Harry Potter is on FIRE!
by Darkboy77
Summary: WARNING:Insane story inside. Do not bump, shake, ingest, throw, or expose to crazy and ridiculous amounts of radiation. ((((((IT... IS... FINISHED!)))))) THE LAST CHAPTER: Voldemort's power is in his... wait, this can't be right... HIS POWER'S IN HIS-
1. The Dream

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or any of his victims. Er, friends. Now, on with the story! No, wait; I forgot the public service announcement.  
  
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!  
  
This story contains pure insanity. If anything not Harry Potter-ish  
happens, then-  
  
WHY THE HECK ARE YOU IN THE HUMOR SECTION!?!  
  
This story takes itself seriously in the sense of spelling and grammar, but  
for everything else, including making perfect sense, this story, sadly,  
does not deliver. Now go give yourself a hug.  
  
Thank you.  
  
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPP!  
  
This has been a false public service announcement.  
NO DUH!!!  
  
It was a relatively normal day at Hogwarts. And by relatively, I mean as normal as it could get in the magic world. No crazy evil snakes slithering around in pipes, petrifying people, no magic sparks flying around, writing swearwords in thin air (It's hard to begin to imagine the physics at work there), and no twins flying off Hogwarts' grounds with chained broomsticks just returned to their owners with a deadly accurate summoning spell that had just about the same long shot of working as this run-on sentence has of being grammatically correct. Yes, it was a relatively normal day. Yes, siree, normal. Nothing strange. Nothing out of the ordinary. Normal. Straight up regular. Yep. Typical. A standard day at a standard magical school. Everything ran exactly according to plan. In fact, on this day, Hogwarts could be looked at as. REGULAR!!!  
  
And then, Harry Potter woke up. _  
  
"Ohh." mumbled Harry, rubbing his forehead. He propped himself upright in his bed. "I had that dream again."  
  
For the past two weeks, Harry had been frequently dreaming that he would wake up one day, go to all his classes, come back into the common room, do his homework, and go to bed. In other words, have a NORMAL day. He really didn't know why, either. He wasn't some crazy fanatic who hated a bit of fun. He LIKED to have some excitement, as a matter of fact! But, as the saying goes, never eat the yellow snow. And as the saying that relates to Harry's problem goes, too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.  
  
Harry fumbled around in the dark for his glasses. He felt their metal frame and heard their familiar clatter on his end table. Jamming them onto his face, he tore open his curtains, and stepped out of the four- poster bed onto the floor.  
  
"Looks like no one's awake." Harry said to himself. All four of his dorm mates were snoring loudly, except for that Seamus kid. Harry didn't like him. No one did. [A NOTE TO ALL SEAMUS LOVERS: For all five of you out there, I am NOT saying that I hate Seamus. I just added that little tidbit for the sake of randomness.]  
  
Harry attempted to cross the dormitory floor, but he tripped over a copy of Hogwarts, a History. "OW! Stupid book!" grumbled Harry. "How'd that even get in here?" Harry picked himself up, and strode towards a window. It was too dark in here, he needed some light. He threw open the curtains, and-  
  
Darkness flowed into the room. Or, to be politically correct, nothing happened.  
  
Harry felt the blood rise to his face. He was blushing. He slapped himself in the forehead. "How could I be so stupid?" he thought. "I forgot to look at the time! It's still night!"  
  
Harry tried to go back to sleep, but for some inexplicable reason, he felt completely rested, as if he hadn't gone to bed at his usual time. He had a dull feeling that it had to do with the small pain in the back of his head, the finger marks on his neck, the empty vial labeled "SLEEPING POTION" laying on its side next to his bed, and the fact that he was still in his school clothes. But he shrugged it off, and decided to take a very illegal and stupid nighttime stroll outside of Gryffindor tower.  
  
Harry pushed himself out of bed, and attempted to cross the floor towards the dormitory door. But he tripped over Hogwarts, a History, yet again. "Grr. STUPID BOOK!" shouted Harry. But he quickly covered his mouth, in an attempt not to wake anyone up.  
  
Harry, very quietly now, tiptoed towards the door, slooooooooowly opened it, tiptoed through it, slooooooooowly closed it, tiptoed down the stairs, tiptoed across the common room, slooooooooowly made his way to the portrait of the Fat Lady, and tripped over Hermione's unusually misplaced copy of Hogwarts, a History.  
  
He went through the portrait hole, fuming.  
  
Yay! The first chapter's over! Now I beg of you. REVIEW! Come on. it's not like it'll cause you any pain. it's only one small click away. one tiny click. one little, minute, diminutive, miniature, petite, itty, bitty, teeny, weeny click away!  
And if that last sentence persuaded you to review, tell me. 


	2. Nighttime Stroll

Okay, on with the insane story.  
Oh, wait, I forgot to put in the disclaimer. Though I doubt the FBI or J.K Rowling will come to my house and beat me mercilessly.  
  
I do not own Harry Potter.  
  
Short and sweet.  
  
Harry stepped through the portrait hole as quietly as he could. He didn't want to wake the Fat Lady, as he feared her shouting out, and alerting someone. He doubted anyone would hear it, but when it's the middle of the night, improbable events seemed much more probable to him. Like the possibility that when he rounded the corner, Filch, Snape, Ms. Norris, AND Peeves would be standing around, there by some sort of evil coincidence.  
  
Just around the corner, Filch, Snape, Ms. Norris, AND Peeves were standing around, there by some sort of evil coincidence.  
  
"Would any of you care to tell me," Breathed Snape through his overlarge nose- "Why we are standing around in this particular corridor?"  
  
"Severus, I've told you already. You know how I don't like repeating myself!" responded Filch.  
  
"Well, you are GOING to tell me, as I don't really fancy standing around here in this random corridor, with seemingly NO purpose!" hissed Snape.  
  
"HSSSS!" hissed Ms. Norris, in response to Snape's disrespectful remark to Filch.  
  
"Shut up, you cat!" whispered Snape, looking around to see if anyone heard. As it so happened, Harry Potter, who was just about to put his foot down at the top of the corridor, heard.  
  
At that moment, Harry realized that he had forgotten his invisibility cloak.  
  
"OH, S-" Harry started to shout, but then he realized shouting out "oh, sharks are so scary and mean, and they make me want to scream, hey that rhymed" at the top of his lungs would not help him at all. He sloooooooowly backed away. And then he heard the howl.  
  
"MRRRROWWWW!" howled Ms. Norris at the top of her cat lungs.  
  
"QUIET, Ms. Norris, please!" hissed Filch. "Not yet, the plan doesn't start yet!"  
  
"No, Filth- I mean Filch- oh, what's the difference!" interrupted Peeves, "I think your ickle catty is trying to tell you that THERE'S A KID OUT OF BED AT NIGHT!" He then started to shriek with laughter.  
  
Harry, his heart almost bursting, ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He had blown it- he couldn't go back to the Common Room without betraying the whole secret of the Gryffindor house to one of the most loathed enemies of Gryffindor.  
  
"Now, come on Peeves." Said Snape. "How could that howl possibly mean- IS THAT A STUDENT RUNNING AWAY JUST DOWN THE HALL!?!"  
  
"I told you, I told you, I told you!" laughed Peeves. He then did a full back-flip in midair, and zoomed of, shouting obscenities and making rude gestures at Snape.  
  
Snape almost went after him, but then he remembered that a student was running away. Drawing his wand, he hurried after this rule-breaker. He was going to get this one GOOD for making a fool of him in front of Peeves. "LUMOS!" he bellowed. But no light came out. "What!?" grumbled Snape. And then he realized the light spell wouldn't work unless he MUTTERED it. He couldn't shout it. He couldn't even whisper it. He had to MUTTER it. "Lumos." He muttered, like Harry had on so many occasions.  
  
Harry desperately ran as fast as he could. He then was struck by the horrible thought that his pursuers would recognize the back of his head. He fumbled for his wand as he rounded a corner, and whipped it out as he nearly jumped down a whole flight of stairs. Panting, he frantically attempted a "distortion charm." Hermione had taught it to him on the first day of school. He could remember their conversation well.  
  
***  
  
"Harry, do you want to learn a distortion charm?" Asked Hermione. "No." replied Harry. "You'll be sorry!" said Hermione, in a very foreshadowing-like voice.  
  
***  
  
Harry gave himself a very firm whack on the head on his head with his wand. He hadn't even learned the charm! That was the last time he ignored Hermione.  
  
The footsteps chasing him were getting louder now. He could almost feel Snape's warm, huge nose breathing a warm, huge amount of air onto him. He needed a place to HIDE! Ducking around a corner, he looked around for places to hide. There was one door at the end of the corridor. Harry breathed a sigh of relief. The Library! He could easily evade Snape and Filch there. He just hoped Ms. Norris wouldn't sniff him out.  
  
"Where'd that piece of filth go!?" shouted Filch.  
  
"I think he went-" started Snape, but Filch cut him off, rather rudely.  
  
"SHUT UP! We are on the verges of catching a rule-breaker, and if you are allowed to break my concentration, they will ESCAPE! So please shut up, and LET ME DO MY JOB!"  
  
Snape, who had never been insulted like this in his life by anyone except for Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, Professor Umbridge, Professor McGonagal, Voldemort, all of the Death Eaters, his mother, his father... okay, just about everyone he ever met, suddenly cooled, to Filch's surprise.  
  
"Okay." He said, in a very cold voice. "I was just meaning to tell you that he went down that corridor." He pointed down a corridor directly opposite of the Library.  
  
"Yes, yes, I was going there!" grumbled Filch. "Come on, Ms. Norris!" they both hurried down the corridor Snape pointed them down.  
  
"Bumbling caretaker." Mumbled Snape. He held his lighted wand out in front of him like a flashlight (no, he wasn't already doing that), and went through the still swinging door of the Library.  
  
Harry potter crept silently through the Library shelves. He didn't dare light his way, as he was sure whoever was chasing him would see.  
  
Suddenly, he heard a distinct noise behind him. He whipped around, his heart beating faster than he ever thought possible. Still turned around, he began to step backwards, away from the sound... and promptly stubbed his toe with a yelp.  
  
He heard the footsteps quickening towards him. He frantically turned around, to see what he had hit. It was a book...  
  
"HOGWARTS, A HISTORY!?!" he screamed in total frustration. "WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS HURT ME!?! WHY!?!" By this time, his pursuer was in the same row of shelves as him. He could see the lighted wand tip...  
  
Harry knew that all his pursuer had to do was shine that wand on his face for a second to identify him. He did the only thing he could... besides running, shielding his face, attacking the pursuer with his wand, overturning the bookshelf, ducking behind said shelf, trying to distract the pursuer with a very wild and very Irish dance, or making a desperate and futile attempt to disapparate. He threw the book. Of the history of Hogwarts.  
  
"Oh!" thought Harry in disappointment right after he threw it. "That book has over a thousand pages. It'll never reach Snape..."  
  
By some miracle, it managed to fly over twenty feet towards Snape. And by some other miracle, Snape didn't move out of the way in time. And by yet another miracle, all one-thousand plus pages came to a crushing landing... on Snape's head. And by no miracle at all, Snape was out cold.  
  
Of course, Harry, being the incredibly stupid kid he was, to be going out on a nighttime stroll like this, didn't think of trying to get back to Gryffindor Tower. He didn't even think of finding a safe place to hide until the coast was clear for sure. He thought of running into the restricted section, where books know when you are out of bed at night scream as loud as they can if you accidentally touch them (Yes, it makes it seem about twelve times more stupid, which it is).  
  
He carefully stepped over the rope dividing the restricted section from the regular section. He felt that odd feeling again, as if someone was watching him. In actuality, no less than two thousand, five hundred and seventy one people were watching him at that moment, but that doesn't matter, as they all died of an inexplicable disease at that moment. They weren't missed.  
  
Harry was caught up in the wonder of all the books, when he realized that he had to hide before Snape woke up. But, there seemed to be no safe places to hide, as all the books seemed to start whispering as soon as he tried to sit down and make himself scarce. He was getting worried now, it looked like he'd have to go back through the main room... and that's when he saw the door.  
  
It was a very beautiful door, actually, with great craftsmanship work done on it. But all Harry cared about was getting inside it to hide. He wondered why he had never noticed the door before. But he couldn't imagine why, he surely must've noticed a door like this, maybe he had forgotten.  
  
Turning the golden knob, Harry went inside. And he nearly yelled out in shock when he found out who was in this room with him.  
  
"No... It can't be..."  
  
Draco Malfoy turned around. His eyes immediately narrowed, and a huge mean look spread across his face. "You... Potter!?"  
  
Ha! I bet you'll want to find out what's next huh!? Or maybe you don't care... 0_0... But if you do, review, and I'll post the next chapter as soon as possible! Okay!? OKAY!! 


	3. Deja vu

I got three new reviews!!!!!!!! ^_^  
But I only have five............6_o  
  
Yeah, whatever, thanks for all who reviewed. And for all of you who have read but haven't reviewed, what's the problem!? I accept anonymous reviews, you know. Just click, send, it's not that hard. ** [Cuts to scene where potential reviewer is about to submit a review, but then fifteen ninjas jump down onto the floor from through the roof. Ninjas start fighting him/her. Potential Reviewer eventually defeats ninjas.]  
  
Potential Reviewer: Wow. That was a horrible coincidence. If I didn't know better, I'd say something like that happens EVERY TIME someone tries to review! [Potential Reviewer starts to submit review again, but is stopped when he realizes his/her mouse is SURROUNDED BY NO LESS THAN 45 MOUSETRAPS.]  
  
Potential Reviewer: You know, for some strange, inexplicable reason, I think I WON'T review. [Potential Reviewer looks around, backs away slowly, and eventually dashes under his/her bed covers to hide in fear.] **  
  
So, yeah, review.  
  
Disclaimer: I DO own Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, AND every character in the series.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
THIS CHAPTER: Déjà vu!  
  
Harry stared at Malfoy in disbelief. Malfoy's face was screwed up in anger, and hand was moving to his wand. As Harry moved his own hand to his own wand, he had that familiar feeling again. What was it? Oh yeah, déjà vu.  
  
Harry stared at Malfoy in disbelief. Malfoy's face was screwed up in anger, and his hand was moving to his wand. As Harry moved his own hand to his own wand, he had that familiar feeling again. What was it? Oh yeah, déjà vu.  
  
Malfoy struck, as quick as lightning, with a stupefy spell.  
  
"Yep," thought Harry, as he rolled to the side, the jet of white light barely missing him, "Déjà vu." He quickly dived behind a sole cabinet in the room to avoid a second stupefy. He felt like he had been behind the very same one not too long ago. Harry only had a second to collect his thoughts, when he heard a cry of- "REDUCTO!" Harry barely had time to shout- "PROTEGO!"  
  
As the cabinet splintered, and the splinters got deflected off his magical shield, he had that familiar feeling again. What was it? Oh yeah, déjà vu.  
  
Harry let his shield down, and stood up, keeping himself directly opposite to Malfoy as they slowly circled the perimeter of the room. He finally had time to notice the room itself. It was circular, which was kind of the reason why they were able to circle the perimeter, and kind of cramped. It couldn't be more than twenty feet in diameter.  
  
"What are you doing here again, Potter!?" asked Malfoy, his voice deathly quiet.  
  
"I should be asking you the same question," Harry responded very coolly, and then went on to say, "except without the again part. And the Potter part. I'll switch that with Malfoy," losing all of his coolness. In any case, he wasn't scared of Malfoy; he had faced him down before.  
  
And that's when Harry saw the vial, glinting for a fleeting moment, in one of the folds of Malfoy's robes. And then déjà vu hit him like a soft, fluffy pillow.  
  
And then it hit him a bit harder, about the strength of a pillow filled with rocks.  
  
And by the time it had finally hit him hard enough, Malfoy was already at his throat, his wand cast aside.  
  
Harry felt fingers apply pressure to the same marks that were already on his neck, and he felt a déjà vu anvil pound onto his head. He... REMEMBERED!!!  
  
Malfoy took out a full vial of the same sleeping potion that was lying at the side of his bed. Harry struggled, but Malfoy's grip was to strong. He felt a pain in his head. He began to panic. He couldn't breathe! As the pain in his head grew worse, he could only hold on to one thought.  
  
"How'd I get back into my bed?"  
  
He suddenly had a flash of a thought of an empty hourglass that had recently been half full with all of the points for his house. But he couldn't imagine why.  
  
Malfoy brought the vial he held in his hand up to Harry's face, still firmly gripping Harry's neck. "You'd better not let a teacher find this one THIS time, Potter!" he said, keeping Harry pinned down with his knees. "They probably were wondering what a vial labeled "SLEEPING POTION" was doing next to an unconscious Muggle lover! Probably thought you were stupid enough to drink it yourself... while out of bed... after hours... which you are..."  
  
Malfoy was busy uncorking the bottle, so he didn't notice Harry getting angrier by the second. He wouldn't let Malfoy feed this potion to him and dump him out in the hallway like he did just a few hours before! Not after he had called him a Muggle lover! Which he was, actually... but Malfoy meant it as an insult... he thought... oh, forget it, he'd count it as an insult.  
  
Harry, using all the strength he could muster, attempted to throw Malfoy off him. But it was no use, if he wasn't able to do it a few hours before, how would now be different? He needed his wand. But it was lying on the floor, five feet away, where it had fallen when Malfoy knocked him over!  
  
And right then, Harry had that familiar feeling again. What was it? Oh yeah, déjà vu.  
  
He looked straight at Malfoy, who had now opened the vial. This had a one to one-million chance of working, and it had a possibility of backfiring. But he took a deep breath, (actually, a kind of shallow one, as his breath was just about gone,) and muttered, "Lumos!"  
  
A narrow but incredibly bright beam of light shot out form his wand. And it distracted Malfoy, for just barely enough time, for Harry to use all of his remaining strength to force Malfoy off of him!  
  
Harry jumped up, grabbed his wand, and quickly scampered out of Malfoy's reach. He heard the sharp sound of glass shattering; the sleeping potion had been thrown from Malfoy's hand.  
  
"No!" shouted Malfoy, with the voice of someone who had just dropped a whole lot of money down a sewer yesterday when they were right in front of a store, about to buy something very expensive. [Hmm... after typing that, I'm beginning to feel déjà vu... ha ha ha... er, yeah.]  
  
"Okay, Malfoy! The jig is up!" shouted Harry, interrupting the author's déjà vu experience. "What is it that you don't fancy me seeing so much, that you'd drug me, throw me out, and then attempt to do it AGAIN, a few hours later!?"  
  
Malfoy scowled. "Like I'd tell you, Potter. It doesn't matter, once you came here, it was over. You'll never find out, now that I know that you know I have a secret!"  
  
"Then how did I almost find out for a second time a few hours after you drugged me?"  
  
"SHUT UP!" and with that, Malfoy disapparated.  
  
"Hey!" said Harry. "I thought you couldn't apparate OR disapparate in Hogwarts! And... I thought you had to be over seventeen to pass the tests in the first place!"  
  
Malfoy apparated next to Harry. "Oh, I forgot. I guess I was so caught up in passing my apparition test a year early that I forgot that we couldn't. Forget that last sentence." and with that, Malfoy ran away.  
  
Shaking his head at the weirdness of the events of the night, Harry walked out of the room. What did Malfoy mean by "it was over?" what was "it?" And, shouldn't he have just searched "the room" for "clues?" Oh well, he'd discuss it with "Ron" and "Hermione" in the morning.  
  
As Harry walked out of the library, he came face to face with a very groggy yet conscious Snape.  
  
"P-Potter!?" exclaimed the groggy Snape. "Y- You- what... get... oh, just get to bed."  
  
Harry sprinted away before Snape could take away any points.  
  
"Oh... and... s-s-sixty points from Gryffindor."  
  
Harry had that familiar feeling again. What was it? Oh yeah, déjà vu. He remembered a sharp pain on his forehead where he had hit himself firmly no less than two times during the night. He also had a fleeting thought of a now EXTREMELY empty hourglass, if that was even possible. But, for the life of him, he thought, as he headed towards Gryffindor tower, he couldn't imagine why.  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: Déjà vu! (Just kidding!)  
  
Oh yeah, and review. 


	4. Deja vu! Just kidding!

Oh, yeah! Almost ten reviews! I swear, when I hit that magical number, I'll cry. And then I'll stop crying, because who cries over ten reviews? Not me. Anyway, I'd like to take a moment to thank EVERYONE who has given me reviews so far.  
  
I'd like to give everyone a "thank you very much," especially-  
  
Okay, moment's over. _  
  
Now, onward.  
  
Disclaimer- Surprisingly, I do not own anyone in Harry Potter.  
  
THIS CHAPTER: Déjà vu! (Just Kidding!)  
  
THIS CHAPTER FOR REAL: Harry Potter... puts on new socks!!!  
  
Oh, and a whole lot of other stuff happens.  
  
Harry Potter woke up. For a second, he thought it was still nighttime, but he saw a few golden rays of sunlight shine through his bed curtain, as was reassured it was still morning. He wasn't really eager to get up, as the dream was still on his mind. [Remember it!? ALL the way in the first chapter!] It had really left him depressed. And he still had that encounter with Malfoy in the back of his head. So, all in all, even though it was a Saturday, Harry REALLY didn't want to get out of bed.  
  
And then Ron tore apart the curtains to Harry's bed.  
  
"Harry, WAKE UP, mate! It's Monday morning!"  
  
"Whaa!?"  
  
"Yes, and not only that, you'd better be careful, as just about all of Gryffindor hates you for losing all of our house points! And if we're late to class, we can just forget about getting any more! We have Potions first! Snape never lets us in late!"  
  
Harry really, REALLY, REAAALLLLLLY didn't want to get out of bed.  
  
But he didn't want to lose any more house points, so he grudgingly got out of bed, pulled on some new socks, and threw on some new clothes. Sleepily picking up his books, (and narrowly avoiding picking up the Hogwarts, a History,) he walked downstairs with Ron.  
  
And that's when the pie hit him square in the face.  
  
Harry's initial thought when the coconut cream pie had first came into contact with his face had been- "Hmm, I wonder what flavor it is!" But then he realized that random pies hitting you in the face are grounds to get angry, not get hungry.  
  
Throwing the pie off, blushing furiously, Harry began to scan the common room for the culprit.  
  
There was no one there but Ron and himself... oh, and the Creevy brothers hiding behind a huge armchair.  
  
Wait a minute...  
  
"Ron!" shouted Harry. "What was that for!?"  
  
"What!? Harry, have you gone mental!? The Creevys have been hitting everyone with pies for the last two weeks! I think they're trying to take after Fred and George... they've lost the most points out of anyone... besides you, of course..."  
  
"Thanks, Ron. Or should I say, Sir Ron Pie Thrower of Coconut Cream Town!?"  
  
"HARRY... Even if that made any sense, I still didn't throw the pie! They did!"  
  
Just then, the bell rang.  
  
"Oh, this is great!" exclaimed Harry. "Everyone hates me, and I still have no idea how they found out while I was asleep, we have Potions class, we're late for said class, and I STILL HAVE SOME WHIPPED CREAM ON MY FACE!!! And to top it all off, I still have that encounter with Malfoy to nag at the back of my head until I find out more! Oh, wait; to REALLY top it off, I missed breakfast! But that's not all; I put my jeans on inside-out! And don't forget-"  
  
"Hey, hold on!" interrupted Ron. "Back up for a second. WHAT did you do with Malfoy last night!?"  
  
"You know, Ron, when you say it like that, it sounds all weird and messed up."  
  
"REALLY! We're already going to lose about all the house points we can ever gain back, you might as well tell me! Did he take a swing at you, mate? That son of a-"  
  
"No, Ron," said Harry, effectively censoring Ron's swear, "He... oh, it's a long story, I'll tell you on the way to class." ***  
  
A few minutes later, Harry and Ron walked into Potions amid a bunch of whispering and finger pointing.  
  
They made it to their seats all right, however, next to Hermione, who looked at Harry very disapprovingly.  
  
They got out their books- and then noticed something-  
  
Snape hadn't taken any points away form them.  
  
He was at the front of the class, holding a bag full of ice close to his head, and he seemingly didn't notice the two boys' late entry.  
  
Malfoy, who, as always, was in the same Potions class as Harry, caught on to this pretty quickly.  
  
"Excuse me, Professor?" he called to Snape.  
  
"Yeah? Er, what is it, Draco?" obviously, Snape hadn't fully recovered from his head injury.  
  
"Potter and Weasley came in late!'  
  
"They did? Oh, well, tell them to read the pages in the- I mean on the board. Now sit down."  
  
Yep, he definitely hadn't recovered.  
  
Malfoy, much to Harry, Ron, and Hermione's amusement, seemed unable to close his mouth after Snape's statement. He kept his mouth wide open, aghast with shock, even as he sat down. He then turned to Harry, his mouth still wide open.  
  
"Catching flies, Malfoy?" hissed Harry just loud enough for everyone except Snape to hear. All of the Gryffindors laughed as quietly as they could. The Slytherins just glared.  
  
Finally, Harry and Ron pretended to read, and then passed notes to each other, and eventually, Hermione, about Harry's encounter with Malfoy last night.  
  
As the bell rang, and everyone filed out of the class, Harry, Ron, and Hermione headed down towards Transfiguration together.  
  
"Harry, I really think you should inform a teacher about this!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
"Yeah, well, what do I do?" snapped Harry. "Tell them 'sorry for being out illegally TWICE in the same night, but there's something that has a ninety percent chance of not being there that they MUST see in the RESTRICTED SECTION of the library? Oh, and sorry for going there, too, please don't take away any more house points?'"  
  
"YES!!!"  
  
"Hermione," said Ron, "You get a bit less sane every year."  
  
"I don't recall asking you, Ron." Said Hermione coolly. "But, Harry, think... if this works, you might be able to GET MALFOY EXPELLED!"  
  
Both Harry and Ron stopped and stared at Hermione at this.  
  
"B-but, Herm..." said Ron slowly, hardly daring to believe Hermione's last sentence, "We don't even know if Malfoy's doing anything illegal! And if he was, how could we prove HE was there?"  
  
"Simple." Said Hermione. "We stakeout. Yes, I said stakeout. Harry, I can camouflage you, since you got your invisibility cloak taken into custody by-"  
  
"I don't want to be reminded." Said Harry. "Just... why are you so eager to break the rules?"  
  
"Easy. I want to get Malfoy expelled too. That little... I'll get him back..."  
  
"For what?" asked Ron.  
  
"Who cares?" said Harry happily.  
  
Harry was just beginning to feel the excitement of Malfoy actually getting expelled.  
  
Just then, a third year in tears dashed by the trio, holding her nose.  
  
"What was that all about?"  
  
Then, they saw them. A mob of people of all ages, with different parts of their body enlarged to five times their size. They seemed to be coming from the hallway that Harry and the gang were just about to head down. This really decreased their enthusiasm of using that particular hallway, of course.  
  
"You know," said Hermione, "Let's go... that way."  
  
"Okay." Said Ron, heading off in a direction.  
  
"No, Ron!" said Hermione. The opposite way!  
  
"Oops!" said Ron. He spun around, and walked on forward.  
  
"Ron, you're going the SAME WAY!"  
  
"Oh!" said Ron, blushing. He went down the corridor to Transfiguration.  
  
"Ron, that's the corridor that we were trying to AVOID!"  
  
Harry shook his head. This wasn't going to be a very normal day.  
  
NEXT CHAPTER: HERMIONE'S PLAN REVEALED!  
  
AND THE REASON HERMIONE WANTS MALFOY EXPELLED REVEALED!  
  
Hey, you, finishing this chapter! Please review! Please? 


	5. Malfoy's Voice

T-t-t-t-twelve reviews!?! [Darkboy77 has heart attack and dies]  
  
I must sound pathetic to people whose stories have OVER ONE HUNDRED reviews, but that isn't the point. As some story whose basic plot I thought of off the top of my head, I think it's doing pretty well.  
  
~!@#$%^&*()_+  
  
SEE THAT MEANINGLESS BUNCH OF SIGNS!?  
  
(Don't tell me they mean anything!)  
  
WHENEVER YOU SEE THEM IN THAT ORDER FROM NOW ON, IT WOULD BE IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO REVIEW!  
  
~!@#$%^&*()_+ ~!@#$%^&*()_+ ~!@#$%^&*()_+ ~!@#$%^&*()_+ ~!@#$%^&*()_+  
  
Not that I'm implying you do it multiple times, or anything.  
  
~!@#$%^&*()_+  
  
Ha... how'd they get there in that order? I... sure didn't type them...  
  
9djalkj 1d 12 ~!@#$%^&*()_+  
  
Sorry, my cat just jumped onto my keyboard. And... uh... my delete button's broken... yeah... so I can't erase what it typed... hey, look! The sign... wow, what a horrible coincidence!  
  
`1234567890-=  
  
Oops, I forgot to press shift. Er... not like I was trying to... uh, write that sign...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his ~!@#$%^&*()_+ing friends.  
  
Harry could not believe it. In just a few moments, when Hermione came down from her dormitory, Harry and his extremely scared and nude self would officially be exposed to everyone in the Gryffindor house.  
  
And then, Harry woke up. (PHEW!)  
  
He looked around for a second, forgetting where he was. Then, he realized that he, Ron, and Hermione were all in that same circular room he was in a few nights earlier. They would have been easily seen if anyone had come in, but Hermione had used a disillusionment charm on all of them. Now, for someone to see them in the extremely shadowy corner they were hiding in, they'd have to literally walk up less than an inch close to them and shine a VERY bright light right onto their bodies.  
  
Just then, Malfoy burst in through the door of the room, holding up his exceptionally bright wand as a flashlight. He quickly scanned the room for anyone, and then locked the door behind him with a silent "Colloportus!"  
  
"Darn!" whispered Hermione. "He's coming this way! Don't move!"  
  
It was true, Malfoy was slowly approaching them. Just a few more steps, and he'd recognize there were three humans there... three chameleon-like humans... chameleon-like humans? What the heck!?  
  
Malfoy turned away from their corner.  
  
Harry breathed a soft sigh of relief.  
  
And then the light shined right on them!  
  
All three dared not to move or breathe. They were found- it was all over!  
  
And then Harry realized Malfoy was looking the other way. Silently motioning this to Ron and Hermione, he told them this under his breath. They all relaxed as Malfoy walked to the center of the room.  
  
He doused his wand light, and put his wand into his pocket. Then, locking his arms to his side, he closed his eyes, and muttered an incantation under his breath.  
  
"Wow..." said Hermione softly, obviously impressed, for some reason. Harry and Ron suspected this was very complicated and powerful magic.  
  
Then, Malfoy finished. He relaxed, and his arms loosened.  
  
"What was that?' whispered Ron to Hermione.  
  
"I don't know." Said Hermione. "But it must be powerful, I felt it. Maybe he's summoning some great power from beyond. That must mean he's about to do something incredible... or terrible..."  
  
And then, the disco ball fell from the ceiling. It stayed suspended about five feet over Malfoy's head, and started spinning and flashing in a great variety of spotted neon colors. Luckily, none of the lights were big enough to catch all of Harry, Ron, or Hermione in their spot.  
  
But that wasn't what worried them at that moment. What really worried them was Malfoy's sanity.  
  
Malfoy started dancing, with a variety of very wild and cool dance steps. Well, cool about 20 or 30 years ago, that is. When he did the funky chicken, Hermione almost cried. When he shook his booty like he never had before, Ron almost threw up. And when he started the moonwalk, to one edge of the room and back, Harry almost fainted.  
  
Harry searched Malfoy's face for any sign of pain or any sign of being controlled. But the look on Malfoy's face just flat-out SCARED Harry.  
  
He seemed to be enjoying himself.  
  
And then, the music started.  
  
Malfoy, finishing his moonwalk in the center of the room, began tapping his right foot along with the beat. Harry and Hermione recognized this music as Techno music, Ron, thankfully, didn't even know what it was.  
  
Malfoy whipped around to look straight at the corner the three were hiding in. They got scared for a second, when they realized Malfoy was looking above them. He still couldn't see them.  
  
"Yeah..." said Malfoy, or rather, SANG Malfoy, in a creepily high voice. Hermione thought she recognized it as a Soprano, but she wasn't sure.  
  
"OW!" screamed Malfoy in an extremely high note.  
  
"Ow, my voice is so HIGH... My voice is just so high... Oh... I'm really a guy... but my voice is just too high... Oh, how do I get by... when my voice is just this high...?"  
  
Ron, now literally white from the shock of this exhibition (though you couldn't see it, he being a human chameleon and all), turned to Harry.  
  
"Yes, Ron, I am seeing what you are seeing." Said Harry before Ron could ask.  
  
Ron turned to Hermione.  
  
"Yes... me too... Ron." It seemed Hermione had actually started crying.  
  
"I don't know why... my voice is so, so high... But one day, says I... I will find out why... I was born with a voice this high... And since I'm so sly... I'll find out one day why... my voice is too, too high! Too, too high, oh! Too, too high! High rhymes with buy! And buy my records, says I! They're now sold in Knockturn alley, though I don't know why..."  
  
Harry wondered if Malfoy was high.  
  
"HIGH!" screamed Malfoy in an extremely high note. "HIGH!" screamed Malfoy in an even higher one. "MY VOICE IS SO..."  
  
All three got ready for the final high note. Harry took off his glasses, in case they would shatter in his face.  
  
"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!" bellowed Malfoy in an extremely, extremely low note. [Didn't see that one coming, did ya'!?]  
  
Then, the disco ball went back up into the ceiling, and the music stopped. Malfoy sat down and breathed really hard, obviously wiped out.  
  
"All I can say is..." whispered Harry, "he has a great voice range."  
  
The other two nodded in silent, mutual agreement.  
  
Malfoy got up, looked around the room once, and then clapped his hands together. "Well, that was nice! I think that one's ready for recording, it is! I'll do it here tomorrow night!"  
  
And then he left, leaving Harry, Ron, and Hermione in silence.  
  
"Uh..." said Ron, breaking the silence, "So... Malfoy... er... has some sort of secret singing and dancing obsession? And that's why he sneaks here into this forgotten room at night? To PRACTICE!?!"  
  
"Yes." Said Harry and Hermione at the same time. They still hadn't gotten over the shock.  
  
Ron then fainted. **  
  
Over the next week, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were now literally scared of Malfoy. They were scared that, at any time, he'd get confident in his singing, and burst out into his "High voice" song. The pain of the experience... they had bad dreams about it each night.  
  
But Malfoy, much to their relief, never did. But even so, the ordeal had impacted on them so greatly, that even Hermione was scared to go to the library nowadays. If she did, she could be seen dashing in and out, not taking a moment to browse.  
  
But today, at breakfast in the Great Hall today, Harry finally felt that he was over it. All he had to do was never go to that "room" in the restricted section for the rest of his life, and he'd be fine.  
  
And then, that's when Dumbledore stood up at the front of the Hall. His white bears shone brilliantly, considering it was hair. And his half-moon spectacles flickered in the light as he spoke. The words that, for that day, made Dumbledore Harry's worst enemy.  
  
"Good morning, students! Or I certainly hope it's been good! But enough nonsense! Today, we have special entertainment for you! DRACO MALFOY, of Slytherin, has asked me for permission to SING in front of you as you eat today! And of course, how could I refuse?" he then stepped to the side for Draco to step out into the center of the Teacher's area. Just about all of the Slytherins clapped loudly, very few others did.  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione all looked at one another with seriousness. They had just gotten over a near heart attack a few seconds ago, during Dumbledore's speech, and their purpose was clear. They had to stop Malfoy from singing!  
  
Hmm, interesting chapter, yes? Well, if you want to find out if Malfoy actually gets to sing, stay tuned to your computer!  
  
Hey, you! About to exit! I said stay tuned! What? You say you can't!? Okay, if you can't stay tuned, at least review.  
  
AND BEFORE I FORGET: Hermione wants Malfoy expelled because she hates him.  
  
Peace! _ 


	6. Chaos Ensues!

Chapter Six, y'all!  
  
I'm writing this the same day as chapter five, so I have no idea if I got any more reviews.  
  
I hope I did.  
  
Okay, anyway, on to the disclaimer.  
  
Disclaimer: ... ... ...  
  
Huh!? The Disclaimer escaped!?!?!? Is that possible!?  
  
Okay, I guess I'll just have to go on without a disclaimer. Nothing's going to happen, anyway.  
  
[Police sirens blare outside the window of the author]  
  
Author: Er... Hey, what a coincidence!  
  
[Author's doorbell rings]  
  
Author: Wow, that's just plain freaky, that all these coincidences are happening right now!  
  
Guy at Door: OPEN UP! This is a guy from the office of copyright- related infringements!  
  
Author: OH SHOOT!  
  
[Author dives under couch, somehow managing to bring keyboard with him]  
  
[Guy at Door breaks down said door, and runs into Author's living room.]  
  
Guy Now Not at Door But in Living Room: HA! NOW I'VE GOT YOU!!!  
  
Author: W-what do you want!?  
  
Guy in Living Room: I want... to have directions to down the street!  
  
Author: ... You mean you busted into my house JUST to get directions to DOWNTHE STREET!?  
  
Guy in Living Room: Yes!  
  
Author: ... Er... go down the street?  
  
Guy in Living Room: THANKS!  
  
[Guy rushes out door]  
  
Author: Accursed idiot.  
  
***  
  
I do not own Harry Potter or anyone else!  
  
Hey, I found my disclaimer.  
  
***  
  
Harry had no idea how he, Ron and Hermione were going to stop Malfoy from singing. But luckily, Hermione most always had a plan.  
  
"I have a plan!" said Hermione.  
  
"Great!" said Harry. What is it?"  
  
"Stop Malfoy from singing!"  
  
"Oh, GREAT PLAN, HERMIONE!" said Ron sarcastically.  
  
"I'm not DONE, idiot!" snapped Hermione.  
  
Harry had noticed that there had been some considerable friction between the two friends lately. He wondered where it came from.  
  
"Anyway," continued Hermione, "we just have to hit Malfoy with a Quietus spell once, and his voice will become ten times softer than it is now! He'll simply think that he lost his voice!"  
  
"Nice plan!' said Harry. "But how do we hit him without everyone noticing!? He's ABOUT TO START NOW!!!"  
  
Hermione grinned. "Harry, that's the best part of my plan. But I must warn you- chaos may ensue." She took out her wand, and pointed it at Harry.  
  
***  
  
Exactly fifteen seconds later, ran out of the Great Hall without calling too much attention to himself. He, according to Hermione, was expected to come back in, screaming at the top of his lungs, "SARB TCELLOC OT EKIL I!!!" And he was not supposed to say a word before he screamed that odd phrase. Harry didn't think that it would work at all, but Hermione said to trust her, there was a part two.  
  
Harry ran back in as Malfoy was just about to sing, and screamed, "SARB TCELLOC OT EKIL I!!!"  
  
Everyone in the entire Great Hall turned to look at Harry like he was crazy. Harry began to feel the sweat drops fall down his face. What happened to the part two Hermione was talking about?  
  
And then, Hermione jumped up, and shouted, "QUIETUS!"  
  
"Wow, what an unoriginal part two." Thought Harry.  
  
Amazingly, no one heard. No one even saw as the jet of light streaked through the air towards Malfoy. The spell hit Malfoy straight in the throat. He fell back, but then got up, and kept on staring at Harry as if nothing had just happened. That meant that Harry must have said something EXTREMELY freaky. So freaky that Malfoy just about lost all of his comprehension skills. So freaky that everyone had lost all of their senses except the one that enabled them to look at Harry. But, for the life of him, HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE HAD-  
  
And then Harry realized what was going on.  
  
"HERMIONE!" screamed Harry, painfully conscious of the thousands of eyes on him. "WHAT WAS THAT SPELL YOU CAST ON ME!?!" However, it came out, "ENOIMREH! EM NO TSAC UOY LLEPS TAHT SAW TAHW!?!"  
  
Hermione and Ron were almost crying with laughter. They couldn't speak, but Harry knew.  
  
"You... you cast a Klat Sdrawkcab spell!"  
  
Of course, that came out "Lleps... Backwards Talk a tsac uoy uoy!"  
  
"YES!" screamed Ron, still roaring with laughter. "A Backwards Talk spell! Harry, think of what you said, but backwards!"  
  
Harry silently worked it out in his mind. The Great Hall slowly filled up with increasing laughter. And then Harry turned to glare at Hermione.  
  
"ENOIM... REH!!!!!"  
  
Ron roared with even more laughter than before as Harry lunged at her. Hermione screamed a shrill scream, and started to run. The whole entire crowd was bursting at their sides, rolling around on the floor as Harry grabbed Hermione and wrestled her to the ground.  
  
"FREEZE!" shouted Snape, tearing Harry and Hermione apart. He reversed Harry's talking again with the same curse, bringing him back to normal. "Thirty points from Gryffindor!"  
  
"We haven't got any bloody points LEFT, you idiot!" shouted Harry.  
  
"Oh, yes. Now I guess you'll lose twenty MORE!" sneered Snape. He obviously had recovered. And he obviously HATED Harry even more for knocking him out, to take fifty points in one shot like that.  
  
The Great Hall was now in chaos, with Gryffindors screaming and yelling at Harry, and everyone else laughing. Hermione shot Harry a look that would melt lead, and then ran out of the Great Hall. Ron was laughing harder than anyone else. He now had to bang his head onto the table in an attempt to stop himself. And Malfoy, who had just tried to test out his voice, realized that he couldn't speak. He began running around, trying to scream "I lost my voice," but it only came out as a whisper.  
  
The teachers were running around, trying to stop everyone, but they had no luck. The Creevy brothers were throwing pies again, hitting just about everyone in the Great Hall. But then, Dumbledore stepped up. All the teachers turned around, and watched the master go to work.  
  
First, Dumbledore got out his wand. "Sonorous!" he said, as he pointed it at his throat. The teachers were all silent. Some covered their ears.  
  
Dumbledore seemed to smile for a second, and then gave Harry his trademark slight wink. And then he stood up, and said, in a voice louder than anyone could have been imagined-  
  
"I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I ALSO LIKE TO COLLECT BRAS! IN FACT, NOT ONLY DO I COLLECT THEM, I'M WEARING ONE RIGHT NOW!!!"  
  
And with that, Dumbledore tore off all of his robes to reveal a very hairy chest and legs, white boxers with red hearts on them, and a neon pink, very lacy brassiere smack dab in the middle of the hairy chest.  
  
All of the students immediately quieted. There was silence for a full minute. During that time, Dumbledore didn't even move an inch. He just stared forward, with his chest stuck out, and a very confident, almost glazed look on his face. McGonagal looked at him with an almost admiring look, to everyone's displeasure. Snape looked as if he was just forced to look at a picture of him and someone he loathed even more than Harry making out.  
  
Finally, the bell rang, and all of the students got their books and then RUSHED out of the great hall. Harry and Ron looked back at Dumbledore as they left, who smiled and waved at Harry.  
  
Harry dashed out of the Great Hall, with Ron at his heels.  
  
***  
  
Ahem, yeah, that was weird. Anyway, that just about ends the first part of Harry Potter's FREEEAKY year at Hogwarts. But, the show (or story) must go on! We still haven't found out what happened to Hermione, and there hasn't even been one Quidditch match yet! And will Malfoy try to sing ever again!? Things, (much to Harry's displeasure) only will get weirder, so stay tuned, y'all!  
  
No, I am not southern or whatever. It's not that hard to fake an accent over the computer. Yo.  
  
Review. 


	7. Quidditch Slaughter

I NOW HAVE TWENTY REVIEWS  
  


* * *

  
I AM A VERY HAPPY CAMPER.  
  
But let's not think that means you have to stop reviewing, ya' heard!?  
  
~!@#$%^&  
  


* * *

  
But a big thanks to those people who have reviewed more than once. Without you, I'd... er, not have twenty reviews.  
  
Now onward! (Hey, that's beginning to be my new catch phrase or whatever. I sound like a military general.)  
  
Disclaimer: I did not steal the strawberries, and I do not own Harry Potter or the sport of Quidditch.  
  


* * *

  
Harry sat in the Gryffindor Quidditch Team changing room, not changing. His mind was on Hermione. She hadn't talked to him for the past week, after his "attack" on her. Ron had told Harry that she had said to him, "If Harry is so insensitive that he'd brutally assault a GIRL, I might as well not know him at all!"  
  
Harry didn't know what that meant, but he got the gist of it.  
  
"HURRY UP, HARRY! OUR MATCH IS IN TEN MINUTES!!!" shouted Ginny, the captain of the team.  
  
Ginny, the captain of the team!?  
  
"Wait a minute..." started Harry. "Ginny, how the heck did YOU become captain!? And why are you on the team, anyway?"  
  
"Don't you remember!?" said Ginny. "I tried out for chaser this year, now that Angelina and Alicia are gone! And Gryffindor's policy is only to have Keepers and Chasers as captains!"  
  
"That's dumb. But why not Ron or Katie!? They're older!"  
  
"But they don't have the CAPTAIN'S SPIRIT!!!" screamed Ginny in Harry's ear. Harry slowly regained his hearing as Ginny stalked away. Why must former nice, loveable students become so evil when they become captains? In a way, Harry was glad Ron wasn't captain. He wouldn't want his friend to catch the "captain's spirit."  
  
He began to change into his scarlet Gryffindor Quidditch robes. Taking up his Firebolt, and pushing all thoughts of Hermione out of his mind, he flew out onto the pitch.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, HARRY!?!" screamed Ginny. "THE MATCH DOESN'T START FOR FIVE MINUTES!!!"  
  
Harry sheepishly turned his Firebolt around and landed at the entrance to his changing room.  
  
Five minutes later, the Gryffindor team streaked out onto the field. They were facing the Slytherin team. But what a team it was.  
  
It had Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle as seeker and beaters, and Bletchley as the Keeper, but for chasers... three very huge and fat guys that Harry had never seen before in his life.  
  
But even more amazing was the commentator. In his debut in commentary, was none other than... some thin, skinny guy from Gryffindor that Harry also never had seen in his life.  
  
But the referee was no surprise, it was Snape.  
  
Ginny looked to the two new beaters, Dean and Seamus, and the other new chaser, Colin. The old ones had landed themselves in the hospital wing after an unfortunate welding accident in Quidditch practice.  
  
"You ready?" she asked.  
  
They all nodded.  
  
"Wait a minute..." said Harry, "What are YOU THREE doing here!? Dean, I thought you liked soccer better, Colin, you're not straight, and Seamus, no one likes you!"  
  
"Hey!" said Colin. "Are you biased about people like me!?"  
  
"No, but I am when they start selling BATHTUB pictures of me for twenty- five cents each!"  
  
Colin blushed. "I, er... thought we were over that now..."  
  
"Yeah, it's weird, but they're surprisingly good." Said Ginny.  
  
"WHAAAATTTT!?!" screamed Harry.  
  
"I'm talking about THEM!" she said quickly, motioning to Colin, Dean and Seamus. "They ARE surprisingly good, to tell the truth.  
  
"CAPTAINS!" yelled Snape form the center of the pitch. "SHAKE HANDS!"  
  
Ginny stepped to the center, and so did Malfoy.  
  
"So, the Weasel family coughed up another captain!" said Malfoy, sneering.  
  
"Shut it, Malfoy." Said Ginny simply.  
  
Snape's whistle cut through the air.  
  
"PENALTY! Unsportsmanlike conduct by the team captain!"  
  
"I JUST SAID SHUT IT!" screamed Ginny in disbelief  
  
Snape blew his whistle twice.  
  
"AND IT SEEMS LIKE SLYTHERIN WILL TAKE TWO PENALTY SHOTS!" shouted the Commentator through his magical megaphone.  
  
"You don't have to shout, Tyrone, we can hear you just fine." Said Professor McGonagall, who was sitting directly under this person whose first (or last!) name, was obviously Tyrone.  
  
Snape released the balls, and the Quaffle was immediately brought to Gryffindor's end. One of the fat guys lined up to take the shot. He stayed suspended in the same place in midair as Snape handed him the Quaffle.  
  
"What's he doing!?" wondered Tyrone aloud. "He's not intending to telegraph where he's going to throw the Quaffle, is he!?"  
  
But that's exactly what he did. Aiming directly towards the right goal, he heaved the Quaffle as high as he could in that direction.  
  
"HA! That's a half-shot! No problem for our own Weasley to get!" said Tyrone happily.  
  
Obviously, Tyrone was going to be just as biased as Lee was.  
  
Ron flew up towards the Quaffle, and readied himself to catch it a full fifteen feet form the hoops. And then the Slytherin chaser, the one who had just shot, flying full speed, seized the Quaffle before it could enter Ron's grip, barreled past Ron, and then put the ball through the now open goal.  
  
"WHAAT!?" screamed Ron. "There must be a rule or something against that!"  
  
"Nope." Sneered Snape. "If you knew how to keep, you'd know to get to the Quaffle faster!"  
  
Snape handed the ball to the same Chaser again.  
  
"Okay, after that cheap goal, Chaser Pudge will get another try, but in vain, of course!" said Tyrone, sounding very offended after the questionable goal.  
  
Ron, concentrating now, stayed back as Pudge slowly aimed the Quaffle. Pudge threw!  
  
And Malfoy blew a very, very loud horn.  
  
"AAH!" shouted Ron and just about all of the Gryffindor team. But the Slytherins seemed to have not heard, in fact, they seemed to expect it. But the Quaffle certainly didn't hear, as it sped straight towards the goal. And the goal didn't hear either, as it stayed directly in its spot as the Quaffle went through it.  
  
"ISN'T THAT ILLEGAL!?!" shouted Ginny to Snape.  
  
Snape sneered. "I seem to have forgotten. Do you have the rule book?"  
  
All of the Gryffindors seethed. If it was an unfair fight Snape wanted, it was an unfair fight he'd get!  
  
"And, Gryffindor's finally off!" said Tyrone. "Here's Bell, to Ginny, to Colin, back to Ginny, Ginny, going past Pudge, past Bletchley, past Connell, what was Bletchley doing way out there, she's a keeper, and, oh, no, the LAST chaser, Wallace, managed to nearly kill Ginny with that evil tackle, and he takes the Quaffle!"  
  
Ginny, however, was not mad, she just smiled, and winked at Colin. Colin winked back, and took out ANOTHER Quaffle from under his robes, to Harry's surprise. Where'd he get it from?  
  
Colin threw the Quaffle to Ginny, and Ginny put it through the goal before Bletchley could get back.  
  
"And... IT LOOKS LIKE GRYFFINDOR HAS SCORED, BUT... HOW!?" shouted Tyrone.  
  
"Penalty!" hissed Snape, his face purple. "I've never seen such disgusting cheating in all of... of all..."  
  
Ginny just smirked. "Is there a rule against that?"  
  
"YES!" shouted Snape. He took out a small, dusty rule book. He pointed to the first page. "Rule number one!"  
  
"Hey, I thought you said you didn't have your rulebook!" said Dean.  
  
"Are you calling me a liar, Thomas!?" replied Snape.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"PENALTY!"  
  


* * *

  
Harry knew that now, the only way Gryffindor would win was if he caught the Snitch very soon.  
  
Actually, when he thought about it, he might have to postpone the Snitch catching for a while, as Gryffindor was down 30 to 790.  
  
And the sad part was that the game had only been going on for ten minutes.  
  
"Well, we can just forget about the House Cup!" said Harry out loud.  
  
"That's the spirit, Potter!" said Malfoy, hovering five feet above Harry.  
  
"Shut up, Malfoy!"  
  
"PENALTY!" shouted Snape.  
  
Harry groaned. That was the seventh penalty he'd gotten. He had gotten three counts of saying "shut up," two counts of having his shadow go out of bounds (Harry didn't even know how Snape knew it was his shadow, because he hadn't been below forty feet for he whole game), one count of raising his fist too high, and the most ludicrous one, where he apparently "looked at Malfoy too menacingly for the sport to allow" (right after that Penalty, Malfoy gave Harry a look so menacing that he almost fell off of his broom).  
  
"And... eh... Wallace puts this one away, making the score... what is it, oh, 8000 to 30. What? 800? Oh, what's the difference!?!" Tyrone was obviously getting frustrated. He had called Snape a dirty cheater (and some worse names) no less than 5 times during the match, resulting in five PENALTIES.  
  
Ron was becoming very frustrated with his performance as Keeper. He thought it had to do with his "deteriorating skills." Harry, however, thought it had to do with the fact that he was now blindfolded and had one arm magically glued to his broomstick. Not to mention that Goyle had his bat trained on Ron, threatening to smash his head if he saved anything. Now, whenever Ron thought the Quaffle was coming, he frantically sped AWAY from it.  
  
The Gryffindor crowd, now thoroughly shocked at the horrible cheating display, had started booing and throwing stuff at Snape. Snape, however, just smiled, and awarded Slytherin even more Penalty shots. The crowd then resulted to name-calling, but this did not help them at all, as Snape then awarded penalties twice as fast. By the time the crowd learned not to complain, the score was 40 to 1,900.  
  
Harry could hardly believe this was happening. At this rate, Slytherin would have enough points to win the house cup three or four times over!  
  
And when he figured that they actually DID have enough points to win the cup three or four times over, that's when he got mad.  
  
"GINNY, CALL A TIME OUT!" he shouted towards the Chaser streaking past him, while dodging a Bludger.  
  
"I HAVE called about, maybe, TWENTY already, Harry, but if we take more than ten seconds, Snape awards Slytherin a PENALTY!!!" said Ginny, stopping in midair, and ducking to avoid the same Bludger. "That pompous son of a-"  
  
"PENALTY!!!"  
  


* * *

  
This was worse than a nightmare. Ginny had stopped playing; she was now in the ground in tears. The Slytherins were now not even trying, except for Crabbe and Goyle, who were keeping the Bludgers away from everyone. Ron was still blindfolded, and he didn't know Crabbe had long since abandoned him, so he was still flying away at the slightest sound of an approaching chaser. Once in a while, he flew the wrong way, and hit a goal post. The Slytherins found this so amusing, that they now routinely tried to make Ron do just that in between penalties. Tyrone was crying just about as hard as Ginny, sending sobs through the megaphone. Somehow, no one had left the game. It probably had to do with the fact that they were so sorry for Gryffindor that leaving now would be a crime.  
  
The torture had now been going on for about half an hour, when Harry saw something that sent a jolt through his whole entire body.  
  
The snitch.  
  
Harry panicked, and looked around for Malfoy. He was all the way at the other side of the stadium, laughing harder than he had since Harry's Backwards Talking incident. If Harry caught the snitch now- it would give Gryffindor a shred of respect.  
  
Actually, it wouldn't, but at least the team wouldn't commit suicide.  
  
He shot towards the ground, sending a gasp through all of the members of the crowd who were still awake. He was a pro at this by now- and Malfoy wasn't even paying attention, it made it five times as easier. He was within arms reach-  
  
And then he got all of the breath knocked out of him.  
  
Crabbe and Goyle had pinned him between them, and were shouting for Malfoy to come and catch the snitch. A boo like never before went up through the crowd- but Snape seemed to have gone temporarily deaf. Malfoy sped straight towards the snitch that was three feet in front of Harry- and not moving.  
  
Harry could not believe it. Now the snitch had turned against them? And then Harry realized it had been tampered with, most likely with an Impedimenta spell.  
  
Malfoy was now ten feet away- he slowed down, he was mocking Harry-  
  
And then Harry was saved by Dean and Seamus. They barreled into Crabbe and Goyle, just barely moving them- but it was enough for Harry to stretch out his arm and grab the snitch by the very edge of its wings before Snape could award any penalties.  
  
"YES!" shouted Harry- the nightmare was over- but then he saw Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy was grabbing the snitch's OTHER wing.  
  
"Who wins!?" was the question raised by Tyler, who had just blew his nose. "It seems that Snape is searching through the rulebook..."  
  
Snape found a page, read it, and then frowned. Taking out his wand to magically amplify his voice, he announced-  
  
"IN THE EVENT THAT THE SNITCH IS CAUGHT BY TWO SEEKERS AT THE SAME TIME, WHICHEVER SEEKER IS ABLE TO KEEP HOLD OF IT LONGEST, HIS TEAM WILL BE AWARDED 150 POINTS."  
  
"GET MALFOY!!!" screamed the Gryffindors, and "GET POTTER!" screamed the Slytherins.  
  
After the dust cleared, and both teams had wrestled each other to the ground, Harry frantically checked for the snitch. He didn't have it! For a second, he panicked-when he realized Malfoy didn't have it either. Where was it!?  
  
Both teams seemed to pause, for just a moment, and then they all inexplicably turned their heads to one spot at the same time.  
  
The Snitch was lying on its side at midfield.  
  


* * *

  
Well, that was an interesting game. But stay tuned! Next chapter, we find out who catches the Snitch  
  


* * *

  
[Actually, we find out who GRABS it off the ground, but that's not the point.]  
  
And yes, I know, Snape is really a cheating *astard.  
  
Review!  
  
You know you want to!  
  
And if you do,  
  
More power to you! 


	8. Everybody was KungFu Fighting

HOLY MOTHER OF GOODNESS GRACIOUSNESS  
  


* * *

  
I'VE GOT OVER THIRTY REVIEWS  
  


* * *

  
I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR 14 REVIEWS IN ONE DAY  
  


* * *

  
Sorry for my outburst, but I just checked my reviews, and I have THIRTY ONE!!!!! Last time I checked, I had twenty!!! I was NOT prepared for that. Even though when I checked, I found out some people reviewed more than once, (I AM NOT MAD ABOUT THAT!) I still almost got a heart attack knowing that I now have THREE pages of reviews! And I was all stoked about ALMOST getting two  
  


* * *

  
On a totally unrelated note, 30 million galleons were stolen from Vault number 475 of Gringotts yesterday.  
  
On an even more unrelated note, one million homeless people all received thirty Galleons, today! Hmm... Could this have anything to do with...? Global Warming?  
  
On a VERY unrelated note, it seems many readers were freaked out by Dumbledore's... eh... bra, and, for some reason, not by Malfoy's episode in the corner- less-room. [Sorry, Aelf- whatever.]  
  
To clear up all of the confusion, Dumbledore only did this so Harry wouldn't become the laughing stock of the school. You see, he DIDN'T choose to wear it in when he woke up in the morning. He magically conjured it onto his chest at that moment before he stood up to quiet down everyone.  
  
BUT... I cannot say anything about the boxers. Or the staring into space for a whole minute. Or the look on McGonagall's face. Or the waving to Harry at the end of the chapter. Or the... wait, I can't write that here. Forget that there was another thing. No, I mean it, don't even wonder what it was. There was nothing else. So forget about it.  
  
ARE YOU FORGETTING!?!  
  
But enough ranting! Let's get to the real reason you came here! Your daily dose of laughter!  
  
Now onward!  
  
WHY HAVEN'T YOU FORGOTTEN YET!?!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, fools! So get off my back, ya' heard!? Alright.  
  


* * *

  
Harry made a mad dash towards the snitch. If he grabbed it- Gryffindor could at least live with the fact that THEY ended their own nightmare.  
  
Harry looked to the side, and saw that Malfoy was even with him in the mad dash. Seeing Harry, Malfoy took out his wand, and launched an expelliarmus spell at Harry. Harry, off-balance, managed to get off the same spell in time, but he didn't hit Malfoy.  
  
He hit the spell.  
  
CRACK!!! Instead of canceling each other out, the spells backfired on their owners. Harry got tossed backwards, and Malfoy got tossed WAY forwards, OVER the snitch, and they both lay sprawled out on the ground.  
  
Malfoy, now struggling to his feet, staggered towards his wand, to summon the snitch, but then he saw Harry rushing for the snitch. Malfoy then abandoned his wand, and met Harry at center-pitch.  
  
Both of the boys stared each other down, seven feet apart from each other, with the snitch in the center, each not daring to make a grab for the snitch, as the other, who was so close, would surely intercept them in time.  
  
"There's only one way to settle this, Potter." Said Malfoy.  
  
"Yes there is, Malfoy." Said Harry.  
  
Both looked each other straight in the eye.  
  
"KUNG FU FIGHTING!!!!!"  
  
"WHAT THE HECK!? KUNG FU FIGHTING!?!" shouted all of the Quidditch players.  
  
"ARE THEY MENTAL!?!" screamed Tyrone. "HARRY AND MALFOY HAVE JUST ELECTED TO KUNG FU FIGHT IN MIDFIELD!!!"  
  
Snape's whistle fell out of his mouth, and he landed his broom, utterly shocked.  
  
Harry got into his offensive stance. He examined Malfoy's defensive one. He was very calm, and his heart and mind were focused, Harry could feel it. Harry slowly moved in, quiet as the wind, and as graceful as a butterfly. Malfoy stayed in his defensive stance.  
  
And then he struck! Amazingly, he changed from defensive to offensive faster than imaginable. Quicker than lightning, Malfoy jabbed at Harry's solar plexus and temple at the same time in one amazing move.  
  
But Harry was trained. Bending backwards matrix-style, with his arms flailing, his back parallel to the pitch, and his legs firmly on the ground, he let Malfoy sail over him.  
  
Then, using all of his leg strength, he kicked himself off of the ground into a back-flip. Everyone in the stadium gasped as he landed RIGHT in front of the now landing Malfoy.  
  
"KIYAAAAA!" shrieked Harry, delivering a few spinning kicks in quick succession. Malfoy back-flipped to avoid all of them by a hair's breadth. [I took that from The Karate Kid, even though it's not Kung Fu! Or is it?]  
  
Then, after Harry finished the last one, Malfoy rolled to avoid a punch, hooked Harry's leg with his own one, and swept him into the air.  
  
Harry quickly pulled his arms in, made his body straight, and spun a FULL 1,080 DEGREES sideways, [Think a triple-axel, but horizontal] landing PERFECTLY, unscathed.  
  
The whole stadium erupted into cheers, and many people conjured up cards with the number "10" on them, for some unknown reason.  
  
Malfoy couldn't hold back him amazement, and Harry took that chance to SLUG Malfoy in the face with all of the strength he could muster. Malfoy went flying, and landed, unconscious.  
  
Snape, coming to life, screamed, "PENALTY!!!" but no one cared. Harry walked over to the snitch, smiled, and grabbed it off of the ground!  
  
The whole crowd burst into cheers, which were soon stopped when they realized Gryffindor lost 2,550 to 200, counting the goal just scored right as Harry picked up the snitch. A 2,350-point loss. The worst one in Hogwarts history.  
  
Ginny was so depressed that she retreated into the showers and locked the doors. Everyone else just moped around, wondering how they'd ever show their face again. But Harry and Ron had another feeling besides depression- anger. Snape had cheated them out of a game, and the rest of the school out of the house cup.  
  
"That... little..." seethed Ron, who went on to call Snape every bad thing he could, using very inappropriate language along the way. Harry agreed wholeheartedly, but calling Snape names wasn't going to help. They needed... PAYBACK!  
  
"Ron," whispered Harry, "I have... a plan!"  
  


* * *

  
The Great Hall was unusually quiet the next day, with everyone all mad about the game. But the Slytherins were louder than ever, recalling some of the worse moments of the game with laughter.  
  
"Two-hundred and fifty plus penalties." Said Ginny, for the umpteenth time. "SNAPE GAVE 250+ PENALTIES!!!"  
  
"Ginny, it's not your fault." Said Hermione reassuringly. "And look on the bright side."  
  
Just about the whole table turned to her in disbelief.  
  
"Er... we, eh, gained 200 points during the match?"  
  
"SO WHAT!?!" screamed Ron. "HALF THE POINTS ANYONE GAINS ARE LOST THE NEXT DAY, ANYWAY! AND BESIDES, WE ONLY HAVE LIKE, NEGATIVE ONE-HUNDRED POINTS NOW!!!"  
  
"Sorry..." said Hermione feebly.  
  
"Ron, calm down!" said Harry. "We have to execute stage one of the plan now!"  
  
"What plan?" asked Hermione, interested.  
  
"Oh, NOW you talk to me?" said Harry coolly.  
  
"Yes." Said Hermione. "I'm not thick, like Ron, and drag arguments out longer than needed. I'm ready to forgive you, and I hope you are, too, because I overheard you talking about your plan last night, and, frankly, it won't work."  
  
"Well, that's great!" said Harry, relieved that Hermione wasn't angry anymore, "But I'd bet money our plan's going to work!"  
  
"Yeah!" said Ron. "You see, when Snape sits down in his chair, he'll sit on that hidden button,"  
  
"You mean the one that's big, red, and not hidden at all?" said Hermione.  
  
"Yes, that one, and when he sits on it, he'll trigger, by magic, of course, a pie to come flying right at his face!"  
  
"And..." said Hermione, skeptically, "how in the world did you get this NEWT-or-higher-leveled magic to work?"  
  
"It... it was NEWT?" said Ron, his face growing pale. "Oh, I thought... well... er... we did it in, like, thirty seconds..."  
  
"Then it's going to backfire." Said Hermione simply.  
  
And that's when the pie hit Harry in the face.  
  
As a few people around him laughed, and Harry wiped the cream off of his face, Hermione smiled.  
  
"All right, Harry, it seems that I'LL have to come up with a plan."  
  
"You mean..." said Ron, in mock horror, "You're going to play a joke on... on a TEACHER!?!"  
  
"Yes." Answered Hermione. "Snape's had this coming to him for years, and with that cheating display yesterday, I'd doubt even McGonagall would punish us if she found out! After we're done with him, he won't ever be able to show his face in Hogwarts again!"  
  


* * *

  
Hmm, what could Hermione's plan be? Something smart, no doubt. But what will Snape's reaction be? Oh, forget it, just review.  
  
YOU BETTER HAVE FORGOTTEN! 


	9. The Gang Strikes Back!

Man, with vacation, and nothing to do, I'm stuck here, writing multiple chapters in the same day. But I bet you readers love that, don't you?  
  
IN THIS CHAPTER: HARRY AND THE GANG GET BACK AT SNAPE  
  


* * *

  
Disclaimer: I own Harry Poter. I also own Harry Porter, Haryy Potter, Harr Potter, and Arry Otter. Not to mention Harry Pottre, Hrary Potter, Harry Pot Ter, and Harry Potterr.  
  
But I do not own Harry Potter.  
  


* * *

  
Harry and Ron went to Potions class in Teddy Bear costumes.  
  
Everyone in the class stared at them in disbelief, and then started laughing out loud.  
  
Malfoy was the loudest, and just barely got out in between tears of mirth- "HA! Potter, you've cracked! So have you, Weasley! You've finally cracked!"  
  
Harry and Ron grew as scarlet as possible, but they sat down, obviously intending to go through the lesson in this humiliating state.  
  
"Potter, Weasley, what is this!?" sneered Snape. "Are you trying to make a mockery of the classroom!? Five points from Gryffindor, and CHANGE your outfits!"  
  
"But Professor, sir," said Harry, sounding surprisingly respectful, "We'd need to go all the way to our tower, and change! These suits are almost impossible to get out of!"  
  
"Yeah!" chimed in Ron. "We'd miss, like, half of your class, if not more!"  
  
"So be it. I'll take an extra point away from Gryffindor for every minute you're not here!"  
  
The Gryffindors groaned, but Harry and Ron eagerly ran out of the classroom. They had just eliminated potions from their schedule for today, and were going to meet Hermione in the common room.  
  
"Y'know," said Ron, "How did Hermione get out of Potions?"  
  
"I dunno." Said Harry. "Maybe she got a note or something."  
  
Harry and Ron entered the Common Room five minutes later, after giving the password, Forks of Joy. Harry thought the passwords were getting a bit weirder.  
  
"Good, you're here!" said Hermione.  
  
"How'd YOU get out of potions?" asked Harry as they sat down.  
  
"N-never mind!" said Hermione, nervously neatening her clothes and wiping her lips, for some strange reason.  
  
"Now, what's this 'super plan' to get back at Snape? You've been all secretive for about three weeks!"  
  
"Well, the potion takes three weeks to make. And I had to sneak about five books out of the Restricted Section to get the ingredients!"  
  
"Wait... YOU snuck books out!? Isn't that impossible?"  
  
"Not if the Librarian happens to be a huge Quidditch fan, even if she doesn't show it! I explained it to her, and then she just walked away, as if nothing happened!"  
  
"Hermione...!" said Ron, impressed. "You're supposed to be a prefect!"  
  
"Yes." Said Hermione, eyes glittering. "Yes I am."  
  
Ron just gaped, but Harry was getting restless. "Hermione," he said, impatiently, "WHAT'S THE POTION!?!"  
  
Hermione smiled a smile that Harry had seldom seen her smile. It was an evil smile.  
  
"Hey, what's that smeared, moist red stuff on the same hand you used to wipe your lips, Hermione?" asked Ron.  
  


* * *

  
The bell to end Potions rang, with Gryffindor house a whole period's worth of points lighter. Malfoy was still making very loud jokes to a gang of Slytherins behind him about Harry and Ron's bear costumes.  
  
"That git." Said Ron under his breath. "He deserves a drop of this-"  
  
"Ron!" said Harry. "There's only three drops in that dropper! We can't risk squirting out too much!"  
  
"But it's a MAGICAL one!" protested Ron. "It ALWAYS gives out one full drop at a time! And only one per squeeze! Snape only needs one!"  
  
"Ron, we are NOT straying from the plan! I mean, our brains are three times as small as Hermione's, she probably has her reasons!"  
  
"Okay." Said Ron, finally giving in. "Only Snape."  
  
Harry and Ron reluctantly walked into the Potions classroom. Oh yeah, and they were wearing pig masks.  
  
Snape was grading papers with a red pen. He looked up.  
  
"Hmm? Who are you? What are you-?"  
  
"EXPELLIARMUS!!!" shouted the muffled voice of Harry.  
  
Snape's wand flew out of his pocket, and he flew backwards. His head slammed against the blackboard, in the same place where the book had hit him, and he fell forward, knocked out.  
  
"Okay, Ron, get the potion." Said Harry.  
  
"I wonder what it does." Said Ron, turning Snape over. "Man, I can't believe we attacked a teacher!"  
  
"Just give him the potion and RUN!!! Hermione said don't stick around! In fact, she said we should join the crowd, if anyone finds out, not isolate ourselves."  
  
"Okay, here goes!" said Ron. He opened Snape's mouth, and quickly squeezed three drops out in quick succession. They all went into Snape's mouth, and he BURPED.  
  
"RUN!!!" shouted Ron. But Harry stayed, hypnotized by the incredible and sickening changes his Potions teacher was undergoing. Ron turned to look at Snape along with Harry, and gasped.  
  
First, his facial features softened, and his nose size reduced. Then, his height reduced by a whole foot.  
  
Third, his whole body took on a more... well, rounded look. His waist then slimmed considerably, and his hips got wider.  
  
Harry stared in horror. He knew what was happening. How could Hermione DO this!?  
  
Last, Snape's chest... well, swelled, and he lost all of his slight facial hair.  
  
Harry bolted out of the room, Ron at his heels, and tried to push that sickening image of Snape after his transformation from his mind. He had no intention to return to Potions anytime soon.  
  
Because Snape had transformed... into... A WOMAN  
  


* * *

  
  


* * *

  
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!" screamed Harry at Hermione in the common room.  
  
"Changed Snape into a woman." Said Hermione simply.  
  
"YEAH, BUT... YOU JUST CHANGED A HUMAN'S GENDER!!! AND STOP LAUGHING, RON!!!" Ron was rolling around on the floor, gasping for air; he had been laughing way too hard.  
  
"THIS IS SO SIIIIICK!!! YOU'RE SICK, HERMIONE!!! RON, YOU'RE SICK TOO! EVERYONE IS SICK!!!"  
  
"Harry, calm down." Said Hermione. "The teachers already know, and I overheard some laughing about it! Everyone hates Snape, we won't get in trouble. Plus, the potion wears away in two weeks."  
  
"I KNOW!" shouted Harry. "BUT THIS IS TAMPERING WITH THE LAWS OF NATURE!!! AND THINK OF WHAT I'LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH WHEN... WHEN I HAVE TO GET TAUGHT BY HIM FOR AN HOUR LESSON!!!"  
  
"What, scared you'll start fancying him?" said Hermione, giggling slightly.  
  
Harry stopped shouting, and Ron stopped laughing. They looked at each other in horror- they had been thoroughly freaked out at the sight of the female Snape, for sure, but still- there had been another feeling there, as they looked at Snape lying on the ground- one at the back of their minds, that they hadn't realized had been there. It was a feeling that Harry had experienced once before in his life, and didn't think he'd feel it again for a long time.  
  
Harry and Ron thought that they might fancy Snape.  
  
Hermione looked at them both, horrified. "I... was just kidding!"  
  
Harry and Ron looked at each other, horrified themselves. 


	10. Ms Snape

I AM MADDER THAN HECK.  
  
My little brother just submitted a story UNDER MY NOSE AND MY ACCOUNT.  
  
I specifically TOLD HIM NOT TO!!!  
  
I just read it while checking my stats, AND IT IS HORRIBLE!!! No offense to him, but it is. I have no idea how he understood the instructions of creating a story if HE CAN'T EVEN SPELL REVIEW. Kind of ironic, don't you think?  
  
Instead of removing it, I have a better punishment. PLEASE READ HIS STORY, AND FLAME IT TO NO END. Its name is "harrypotter". You can find it by clicking on my pen name, and going straight to the story from there.  
  
In fact, go do just that right now. Don't worry; I'll still be here.  
  
And don't worry about hurting his feelings, as HE IS EVIL.  
  
Maybe this will teach him not to submit stories under my name.  
  
Ha! Ha! Ha! Er, sorry.  
  
If you haven't figured it out yet, I DID NOT WRITE THAT STORY.  
  
Not only did that story make me look bad, IT CUT MY WORD COUNT AVERAGE DOWN BY NEARLY HALF. HALF!!! INSTEAD OF 14,000 PLUS AVERAGE WORDS, I NOW HAVE 7,000 PLUS!!!  
  
I really have to protect my passwords better.  
  
Okay, I think I just blew off all of my steam.  
  
Wow, that was some kind of introduction to chapter ten! Anyway, this chapter, being chapter ten and all, will be longer and funnier than ever! Now get ready for the most unsurpassed (in humor!) chapter on all of FanFiction dot Net!!!  
  
***  
  
Harry Potter woke up.  
  
THE END!!!  
  
***  
  
Ha? No!?! Okay, okay, that wasn't the real chapter, unfortunately. This is.  
  
***  
  
Hermione  
  
***  
  
Yep, that was great. The best chapter ever! No, really, that's the real chapter. Bye! And review!  
  
~  
  
!  
  
@  
  
#  
  
$  
  
%  
  
^  
  
&  
  
*  
  
(  
  
)  
  
_  
  
+  
  
~  
  
!  
  
@  
  
#  
  
$  
  
%  
  
^  
  
&  
  
*  
  
(  
  
)  
  
_  
  
+  
  
~  
  
!  
  
@  
  
#  
  
$  
  
%  
  
^  
  
&  
  
*  
  
(  
  
)  
  
_  
  
+  
  
~  
  
!  
  
@  
  
#  
  
$  
  
%  
  
^  
  
&  
  
*  
  
(  
  
)  
  
_  
  
+  
  
Ha ha ha... yeah, uh, I'll bet you expected me to write down here, didn't you? Why? Because I forgot the disclaimer, of course! Wow... well, anyway, here's the real chapter, and the disclaimer.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own many things in life. I don't own $1,000,000; I don't own that horrible "harrypotter" story. And I don't own Harry Potter.  
  
Harry was dreading the trip to Potions the next day.  
  
With Snape now changed into a woman for two weeks, (and a very sexy woman at that,) Harry was worried that he might fall in love with his enemy. He had just about been the whole root in the death of Sirius! There was no way in heck that he could fall in love with him... er, her, and live with himself.  
  
Ron, who just thought Snape, like all Slytherins, was a git, and he couldn't imagine the fight his conscience would have with himself if he had feelings for him... er, her.  
  
Harry and Ron reluctantly walked in through the potions door with Hermione. And then they gasped at the sight they saw.  
  
It was the most gorgeous woman they had ever seen, and the scary thing was, she still resembled the male Snape. Harry and Ron sat down in their seats, trying to avoid glancing at Snape.  
  
"Oh, and what do we have here?" said the female Snape in a female voice, of course. "You've arrived a minute late! I'm afraid I'll have to take five points each..."  
  
Well, at least he hadn't changed that much.  
  
"...If it happens again! Now, on with the lesson!"  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione all gaped, and turned to each other. Did Snape... just LET THEM COME IN EARLY!?  
  
"Now-" said Snape, "I've graded your essays you sent to me!"  
  
The whole class groaned, except for Hermione, of course.  
  
"I've found that many did not do well, so, I graded on a curve! None of you got below an 'Acceptable!'"  
  
The class just stared at Snape in silence. Did he just... help out his class?  
  
"Of course, the best grade in here goes to HERMIONE Granger, who got the only 'Outstanding!' Way to go Hermione! Take 20 points for Gryffindor!"  
  
The class just about had a heart attack. Snape had NEVER given any points to Gryffindor, as far as they knew! This couldn't be the Snape they knew... oh, wait, it wasn't.  
  
"I think..." mumbled Hermione under her breath, "That when his gender changed, his personality inverted! He's now nicer than ever, instead of nastier than ever!"  
  
Harry only listened halfway. His mind- and heart- was on how nice Snape had become. He wouldn't mind going to Potions at all for the next two weeks. Not with that warm, angel-like face staring at him, that sweet voice giving his house points, that great butt...  
  
"AAAHH!" screamed Harry and Ron at the same time. They both knew they had been thinking the same thing.  
  
Harry forced himself to keep his head down during the whole lesson, trying hard not to look at his teacher. "I must not fall in love with her!" he told himself firmly. "This is NOT the real her! The real her, or him, doesn't have a great butt like that..."  
  
"AAAHH!" screamed Harry and Ron again. Snape finally noticed, and came over.  
  
"Why, what's the matter with you two sweet boys?" she asked, smiling.  
  
Ron felt like he wanted to melt away, and Harry's knees just about gave out.  
  
"Well- we- er, t-t-t-t-that is, uh, er..." stammered Harry.  
  
Snape walked over to the boys' desk.  
  
"Now, now..." said Snape, smiling, "Have you two done the work I asked of you?"  
  
Harry and Ron, sweating profusely, both managed a no.  
  
"No? Well, now, we can't have that, can we?" said Snape, giggling slightly. "Well, we'll just have to finish it in extra help. May I see you boys... oh, when...?"  
  
At this statement, Snape put the edge of her seat on Harry's desk, and unknowingly leaned directly over Harry.  
  
Harry attempted to look up into his teacher's... er, what's the word to describe it... oh yeah, face, to discourage himself from looking at his teacher's seat, which was now on his chair, and then he saw the smile. The full, beaming smile that made Harry want to jump up and plant a kiss on Snape's lips right now.  
  
This was too much now. Mumbling incoherently, Harry managed to fall sideways out of his desk, and barely crawl towards the door. When he made it, without looking back, he began a sprint for the Gryffindor Common Room.  
  
"Oh, dear, I wonder what that could be." Wondered Snape aloud. "Well, Ronnie, can you tell Harry that we may have Extra Help tomorrow after lunch? Thank you."  
  
Ron gulped, and managed a weak "yeah" as Snape walked away.  
  
Hermione looked at Ron, and then at Harry's now empty seat, and then shook her head in disbelief.  
  
***  
  
"Man, can you believe that new Snape? He, I mean, she gave us 100 points today!"  
  
"A hundred!?"  
  
"Yeah, and what's even better, Slytherin only got 40!"  
  
"You're crazy!"  
  
"No I'm not! I'm not kidding!"  
  
"No way! You are crazy!"  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"Yes you are!"  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"Then why are you wearing nothing but an old tissue box?"  
  
"..."  
  
These were the words spoken as Ron and Hermione slowly made their way to the common room. Of course, they had Transfiguration next, but they thought they could easily skive that off without notice.  
  
***  
  
Fifteen minutes later, after avoiding half the teachers in the school, numerous traps, and professor McGonagall herself, (man, she was a fast runner!) the two finally arrived at Transfiguration.  
  
Ron and Hermione then hit themselves very firmly in the head.  
  
Fifteen MORE minutes later, they arrived at the Common Room.  
  
"Hermione, YOU skived off Transfiguration!?" asked Harry in disbelief.  
  
"Yes, I did." Said Hermione.  
  
"What's happened to you?" asked Harry in wonder.  
  
"Nothing!" said Hermione nervously, brushing all of the rug lint out of her robes. "What the real problem is... is how we're going to make you NOT make a fool out of yourself in Extra Help!"  
  
"Simple!" said Harry. "I won't go!"  
  
"HARRY!" gasped Hermione. "You'll get a... a... A ZERO!!!"  
  
"So? I'm still averaging between an 'A' and an 'E'."  
  
"Harry... I don't think you understand. Did you ever do averages in math?"  
  
"No, since they dragged me out of school and put me here BEFORE SIXTH GRADE!"  
  
"Well, I have." Said Hermione. "A zero averaged into your grade may bring it down to a Poor... or even a Dreadful!"  
  
"No, most likely a Poor..." said Ron, figuring in his head.  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" screamed Hermione.  
  
Ron shut up.  
  
"Anyway, Harry, you NEED to go to that Extra Help! It's for your own good!"  
  
"No it isn't..." said Ron. "Even with a Poor in this semester in Potions, Harry still cam get by, quite easily, by just..."  
  
"Ron..." said Hermione slowly.  
  
"Yes, Snape? I MEAN, Snape? I MEAN, Hermione? I MEAN, Snape?"  
  
"First of all, that was just sad, and second, WHY DID YOU TAKE THIS OPPOURTUNITY TO GET ALL SMART ON ME!?!"  
  
"AND WHY DID YOU TAKE THIS OPPOURTUNITY TO GET ALL EVIL AND START SKIPPING CLASSES AND YELLING!?"  
  
Hermione blushed. "I... er..."  
  
"Harry and I may make fools of ourselves tomorrow, but we REALLY need to find out what is up with you!"  
  
"Just... leave me ALONE!!!" sobbed Hermione, running towards the girls' dormitories.  
  
"Oh," she said, as she was at the top of the steps, "and don't come to the secret room on the third floor near Defense Against the Dark Arts. Make sure you don't get there by tapping the second statue to the left on the opposite wall with your wands. And..." she said, her voice getting firmer, "DON'T come to that room two days from now at exactly 1:45 in the morning."  
  
"And... why shouldn't we come there?" asked Harry.  
  
"Just a warning."  
  
Harry and Ron looked at each other. They were smart... okay, maybe not, but they weren't dumb... wait, yes they were. But in any case, they knew they'd be there two days from now at 2:54 in the afternoon. Wait a minute...  
  
"HERMIONE! WHAT'S THE TIME AGAIN!?"  
  
"1:45 IN THE MORNING!!!"  
  
Harry and Ron both smiled. They'd be there three days from now at 1:45 in the morning. Wait a minute...  
  
"HERMIONE!!! WHAT DAY!?"  
  
"TWO DAYS FROM NOW!!!"  
  
Harry and Ron smiled. They'd be there- wait... where!?  
  
"HERMIONE!!!"  
  
***  
  
Okay... yeah, nice chapter, yes? Kind of crazy, as usual... Anyway, next one, we find out what happens at the extra help! (Boy, we can't wait for that one, can we? ^_^) and the one after that... well, I'll have to think of it. SEE YA'!  
  
You. Review. Now. Or. Else. I. Will. Have. To. Be. Forced. To. Talk. In. More. Than. One. Word. Sentences. And. You. Would. Not. Want. That. Now. Would. You?  
  
Wait... YOU DO!? Okay, I stopped. Now review. Hey, where are you going!? I said review! No! Bring that cursor back over here... don't press the back button... NOOOOOOOO! Wait... if you review, I'll pay you ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!* ** *** ~  
  
!  
  
@  
  
#  
  
$  
  
%  
  
^  
  
&  
  
*  
  
(  
  
)  
  
_  
  
+  
  
~  
  
!  
  
@  
  
#  
  
$  
  
%  
  
^  
  
&  
  
*  
  
(  
  
)  
  
_  
  
+  
  
~  
  
!  
  
@  
  
#  
  
$  
  
%  
  
^  
  
&  
  
*  
  
(  
  
)  
  
_  
  
+  
  
~  
  
!  
  
@  
  
#  
  
$  
  
%  
  
^  
  
&  
  
*  
  
(  
  
)  
  
_  
  
+  
  
*- That star thingy means there's a note down here!  
  
**-Two stars mean another note!  
  
***-I don't have a thousand dollars. Do not expect a thousand dollars. Just review. 


	11. The Kiss

Hiya, Potter fans!  
  
This is Darkboy77, with another chapter for my crazy fanfic.  
  
I should probably be submitting many chapters today, as I am stuck at home all day. This is my second one so far, and it's not even noon!  
  
Okay, enough talking, more craziness.  
  
Now onward!  
  
Disclaimer: I wish I owned Harry Potter, but I don't, fool! Now go kiss your parent/legal guardian.  
  
They deserve it.  
  
***  
  
As Harry Potter stood under the mistletoe with his teacher, Snape, he had that familiar feeling again. What was it? Oh yeah, déjà vu. He remembered his fifth year...  
  
***  
  
She was much too close now. He could now count the freckles on her face. He could see every tear clinging to her cheek...  
  
And then he had a flashback to his second year...  
  
***  
  
"This is such a weird moment." Thought Harry as he chewed for his life while standing on a 2-inch wide pole 500-feet off the ground.  
  
And then he saw the eyes.  
  
They weren't effective anymore, yes, but they were more beautiful than a cherry blossom in the middle of a freshwater lake. Whatever that meant.  
  
He felt it coming closer... and he had no other desire in the world than to kiss it.  
  
***  
  
"AAAHHHH!" screamed Harry, waking up in a cold sweat. He had just had a dream... but it had turned into a nightmare... unless he was mistaken, he had just dreamed he had kissed a Basilisk.  
  
He had been plagued by dreams of this nature ever since he closed his eyes for the first time. This was not what he wanted. He wanted a nice, peaceful, sleep. Trying to push all thoughts of Snape out of his mind, he let his head hit the Snape. Er... pillow.  
  
The pillow was very soft, kind of like Snape...  
  
Not surprisingly, Harry dreamed of Snape again. But this time, it didn't flash to any other scenes. Just Snape.  
  
Harry, to his surprise, was wearing a tuxedo and a top hat. Snape was wearing a bikini.  
  
"Harry..." said Snape seductively, "Where have you been all my life?"  
  
"I'm here, baby," said Harry in a voice that was much deeper than his own. "That's all that matters..."  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!" hooted the live studio audience crowd.  
  
Harry and Snape got closer... closer... CLOSER... CLOOOOOSER... bumped their heads on one another... got farther... farther... okay, good enough.  
  
"It's time.... Baby..." said Harry. He cradled Snape in his arms. Their faces got closer... Harry readied his lips... it was time...  
  
"AAAH!!!" screamed both Harry and Ron at the same time, waking up yet again in a cold sweat.  
  
***  
  
Harry and Ron both gulped as they stood outside the door to Potions. They just hoped Snape wouldn't do anything that would get their hormones raging. They hoped that Snape would, in fact, not even get up from behind her desk.  
  
As they walked in, Snape beamed at both of them in turn.  
  
Harry almost ran out again, but he had forgotten how to walk, let alone run.  
  
"Why, hello!" she said, still beaming, of course. "I'm so glad you came! Now, you two were on the... Hate Potion, I believe?"  
  
"We were?' asked Ron. "Oh- I mean, yeah, we were."  
  
"Good." Said Snape. "Now, take out your supplies, and then you can start straight off! But remember, DO NOT INGEST MORE THAN EIGHT OUNCES OF THE POTION! IT WILL MAKE YOU HATE THE FIRST FEMALE YOU SEE!"  
  
Harry gave a start. Yes, this was IT! All he had to do was-  
  
"Oh, yes, I forgot!" said Snape. "We're making the diluted version, so the effects will only last for..."  
  
"Please be two weeks!" thought Harry.  
  
"0.00000000000000002 seconds."  
  
Harry and Ron both nearly cried in disappointment."  
  
***  
  
Harry simply could NOT concentrate. He tried to reach for his Crabgrass, (Yes, crabgrass IS in a hate potion!) but then, for some STRANGE, INEXPLICABLE reason, he imagined it turning into a very realistic model of Snape's butt, and he lost the courage to grab it. [Yes, Harry DOES have a sick mind!]  
  
Ron was even worse. Whenever he saw Snape, he accidentally poured out too much... whatever it was, he couldn't concentrate, and, three times, he blew up his potion.  
  
"Tut, tut!" said Snape. "I guess I'll have to HELP YOU OUT!"  
  
At these last three words, Ron turned scarlet, and Harry swelled up with more jealousy than imaginable.  
  
"Now, Ron..." said Snape, slowly picking up a vial of red liquid, "you need to add ONLY three drops of... Ron, are you listening? Hmm, Ronnie?"  
  
"R-R-Ronnie? Yeah, he's okay!" said Ron, sweating. He then fainted.  
  
"Oh dear!" said Snape. She quickly got out her wand, pointed it at Ron, and said, "Enervate!"  
  
As Ron woke up, Snape looked at him with concern. "You need to go to the Hospital wing!" she said.  
  
"Yeah. Okay." Said Ron, stumbling out of the room.  
  
"Well, Harry," said Snape, "I guess it's just you and me, now!"  
  
"R-R-REALLY!?" Harry almost shouted.  
  
"Yes, Harry! I'll help you step by step!"  
  
Harry was so happy, that he wasn't even listening now.  
  
"With me and my Potions skills... we'll kiss that 'Acceptable' goodbye, and I'll bring you up to an 'Exceeds Expectations!' Wouldn't you LOVE that, Harry? Wouldn't you?"  
  
That sentence made Harry's jaw drop. Since he wasn't listening, because his hearing was impaired by a cloud of love, he heard-  
  
"With me... we'll kiss... I'll bring you up... you 'Exceed Expectations'... I LOVE... you..."  
  
"HOT MAMA!!!" screamed Harry.  
  
Snape almost had a heart attack. What the- Harry had NEVER, EVER screamed that phrase in his life! What was this?  
  
Harry's hormones were raging beyond belief now. He wasn't nervous, now... now that the love of his life was in love with him now!  
  
Harry leaped forward, and planted a huge, wet, sloppy, and very unprofessional kiss on Snape's lips.  
  
"WOW!" breathed Harry. "That was a load off my chest!"  
  
Snape could not believe what just happened. But then, she realized... she felt the wet spot on her lips...  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" she screamed. "POTTER... WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!?! MY GOSH, I WAS JUST KISSED BY A STUDENT!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"  
  
What...?" asked Harry, his heart breaking. "You didn't like it...?"  
  
"POTTER!!! HAVE YOU GONE MAD!?! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! THAT WAS SO... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" and then Snape dashed out of the room.  
  
Harry exhaled. He had just freaked out a teacher beyond belief, but at least he wasn't in love anymore, after that display. In fact, he was kind of disgusted...  
  
"OH MY GOODNESS... DID I JUST KISS MY POTIONS TEACHER!?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
And Harry ran out of the room, leaving it empty.  
  
***  
  
Five minutes later, Ron came in.  
  
"Huh?" said Ron, observing the empty room. "What'd I miss?"  
  
***  
  
Wow, that was... interesting. And, by the way, they eventually did get the potion done. Ron got an 'Outstanding,' but, for some reason, Harry got a 'Poor...'  
  
Review this madness. For next chapter: Hermione's secret revealed! 


	12. The Teachers' Secret

This is the third chapter I'm writing today!  
  
I'M BUSTING MY BUTT writing so much, just for your enjoyment, so you'd better be nice and review!  
  
I ALMOST have fifty reviews, so don't disappoint me! Come on, just three more! And to think I was crying over ten... wait, no I wasn't. Forget that I said I was. Aelfswythe (did I spell it right!?) said that this was all because I update so frequently, and even more frequent updates mean even more reviews, right!? No!?  
  
Anyway, more craziness in this chapter. Now onward!  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: I disclaim any rights to Harry Potter. Son.  
  
***  
  
Harry and Ron stepped out of the portrait hole in the middle of the night.  
  
"Wait," said Ron, "What time did Hermione say again?"  
  
"HERMIONE!" yelled Harry.  
  
"1:45!!!" she yelled back, sounding kind of annoyed. It was no surprise, as she had been doing this all day, and into the night.  
  
"D'OH!" shouted Harry and Ron together.  
  
"Would you mind keeping it down?" mumbled The Fat Lady behind them.  
  
"Shut your mouth, you bloody painting." Said Ron.  
  
The Fat Lady shut her mouth.  
  
"You know," said Harry, "Don't you think that there's a REASON Hermione told us not to go there?"  
  
"No way!" said Ron. "We're not idiots! She's probably doing something illegal or embarrassing there! And we'll catch her in the act!"  
  
"That's all great, but there's one problem." Said Harry.  
  
"What?"  
  
"WE JUST LEFT HER BEHIND A MINUTE AGO!!!"  
  
Ron stopped dead. "You know... I DID think it was odd that she would explain a secret of hers to us that deliberately... and then answer questions about it for two days without catching herself once..."  
  
Harry smacked himself on the head. "Ron, we are both total idiots."  
  
"We sure are." Said Ron. "We're even too stupid to take the invisibility cloak when we go out on illegal nighttime strolls like this!"  
  
"Ron, my invisibility cloak was stolen!"  
  
"By who?"  
  
Harry sighed. "It was three days after the 'singing' incident..."  
  
***  
  
Harry was holding his invisibility cloak in his dormitory, when Neville Longbottom ran in and took it, delivered a swift kick to Harry's groin, and then ran away. Harry rolled around on the floor in pain, wondering how and why Neville had become so evil.  
  
***  
  
"And... what happened then?" asked Ron.  
  
"Well, Neville ran away, and-"  
  
"NEVILLE!? We weren't even talking about him!"  
  
"What? You didn't see my flashback?"  
  
"NO, I DIDN'T!!!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
Harry then told Ron about the flashback.  
  
"And then, some wavy lines came, I heard a tingle, and then it switched to the Dormitory, and then I saw a blurry version of Neville running in, and the whole picture was still wavy, mind you-"  
  
"Just... forget it." Said Ron.  
  
They arrived at the statue Hermione had told them about. Tapping his wand on it, Harry stepped back, and watched the statue split apart. They were about to see what Hermione had told them not to-  
  
It was a long roll of Parchment, which stretched from the top of the statue's insides to the bottom.  
  
"THAT'S IT!?" screamed Ron. "As if!!! That's just lame!"  
  
"Wait- I think we should read it!" said Harry.  
  
DO NOT READ THIS. Read the parchment.  
  
"Why don't they want us to read?" wondered Ron.  
  
"I think we should read to find out." Said Harry.  
  
IF YOU ARE READING THIS RIGHT NOW, YOU SHALL SUFFER THE PENALTY.  
  
"What penalty?" wondered Ron.  
  
"We should read to find out!" said Harry again.  
  
THE PENALTY, IDIOTS, IS EXACTLY 450 POINTS FORM YOUR HOUSE!  
  
"WHAAT!?!" screamed Ron and Harry.  
  
The parchment seemed to twinkle, and Ron desperately read for any indication of a way to gain back the points.  
  
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA  
  
This went on down the whole entire parchment.  
  
Then, the statue split apart completely, and slid away, revealing a huge trapdoor where it used to be.  
  
"You know," said Ron, "We should get back to bed."  
  
Suddenly, they heard footsteps around the corner.  
  
Harry opened the trapdoor, jumped in, let Ron come in with him, and then he closed the door. They couldn't see it, but above them, the statue came back together, with the parchment sealed safely inside. Just in time for the teacher to round the corner.  
  
It was very dark in the small, cramped room Harry and Ron ended up in.  
  
"Where are we?" wondered Ron.  
  
"I dunno. Let's check around and see!"  
  
Ron and Harry felt the walls for any sign of well... anything.  
  
"HEY!" shouted Ron. "I think I've found a door!"  
  
Harry and Ron both examined it. Harry thought he could hear sounds from the other side. But they didn't sound dangerous.  
  
"Looks safe." Said Harry. "Let's open it!"  
  
Ron pulled on the bronze doorknob. The door slowly swung open. As the two boys looked into the new room, they gasped.  
  
It had a frenzy, wild atmosphere. There were flashing lights everywhere, and Harry was sure that he saw at least one disco ball. But that wasn't the real sickening part. The real sickening part was that nearly all of the teachers were in there.  
  
BOOGIEING LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW.  
  
And the sound Harry heard- that was music!  
  
Harry and Ron both had flashbacks to Malfoy's dancing experience, and they both nearly threw up.  
  
Dumbledore, who was in the center of the crowd, noticed the two boys.  
  
"Heey!" he said sluggishly. It took a moment for the two to realize he was drunk. "Come in, boys! The water's fine!" Dumbledore, who was nowhere near water, pretended to swim in mid-air.  
  
Harry and Ron tried to back away, but they were seized by a very flush Professor McGonagall. "Boys, boys..." she said carrying Harry and Ron inside, "Don't worry! It's a party! Join in!" she then jumped onto a table in the center of the room, and started gettin' her freak on.  
  
Harry and Ron stared in horror as the crowd cheered for more. They needed to get out of this place!  
  
***  
  
Wow, erm , what a secret! Find out more, next chapter! If you can stomach it!  
  
Review. 


	13. Harry vs World! Or at least the staff

YES!!! 50+ REVIEWS! Man, I thought, very honestly, the most this story would get was 20+! How wrong I am. Just so you know, this story intends to keep going until the end of Harry's year, and right now, we're around Jan-Feb. So there's much more craziness to come! You like that, don't you?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. No, really. I keep saying I don't, SO WHY DO YOU FORCE ME TO PUT THESE THINGIES IN EVERY CHAPTER!?! Wait, you don't. Nomad!?"  
  
Now onward!  
  
***  
  
Harry and Ron could not believe it. As teachers flew around them, most of them drunk, dancing the night away, all they wanted to do was leave.  
  
"Have- haffesh sumuvthat Fire Whiskey!" said Dumbledore, who had just lost his half-moon spectacles. They were currently on the face of Professor Sprout, who was also wearing Professor McGonagall's hat.  
  
As Dumbledore handed them a bottle of Firewhiskey, Harry and Ron both stared at it. They couldn't drink- but a teacher had handed it to them- maybe a little taste wouldn't hurt...  
  
But then, they were distracted by a huge roar from the crowd. McGonagall, who had just been dancing on top of the table- now had her head INSIDE a disco ball, and was dancing crazier than ever.  
  
"Aw, now, we can't have that!" shouted Ron, nearly in tears seeing his teacher with a disco ball on her heads. "Professor- for the love of goodness- take it off! TAKE IT OFF, PLEASE!!!"  
  
The crowd, hearing Ron's shout, started to take it up. "TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!"  
  
McGonagall giggled, and swayed her head, sending crazy lights all around the room. "Oh... okay!" she said, clapping her frail hands together.  
  
"Ron..." said Harry, as McGonagall kept on clapping, "I don't think the crowd means the disco ball..."  
  
"What do you-" Ron's eyes then widened as he understood. "You mean..."  
  
Harry nodded.  
  
"OH, HOLY- HARRY, RUN!!!"  
  
Harry and Ron pushed and shoved their way to the back of the crowd, where they found an even more sickening sight than a drunken, robe-less McGonagall. It was a nude Hagrid in a kiddie pool, with only 37 inches of water to cover him. (It seems like a lot, but we're talking about HAGRID here. Three feet barely goes past his belly-button!)  
  
Ron, who had seen too much of these sickening sights in too little time, immediately threw up. Hagrid noticed, and spoke in an extremely sluggish voice that most likely had to do with the fifteen empty bottles next to him. Or not.  
  
"Yeah..." said Hagrid, "that stuff can really get t' ya', Ron! But you'll get t' stomach fer it soon 'nuff..."  
  
"Hagrid..." said Harry slowly, "PLEASE tell me that there is a good, perfectly moral reason for ALL OF THIS!!!"  
  
Just about everyone in the room turned to Harry. And then they all laughed.  
  
"HA HA HA!" thundered Hagrid, louder than everyone. "Harry, yer a funny one, Y'know that? The teachers have been doing this 'bout every night fer YEARS, Harry, YEARS! It's a real secret, so you shouldn't be here, but..."  
  
Hagrid took a deep swig from the mug he had in his hand.  
  
"Anyways, in 'bout... one minute, we'll be takin' our anti-intoxication potions!"  
  
"Anti..."  
  
"Yeah!" said Hagrid, motioning to the female Snape at the entrance of the room. She waved, looked straight at Harry, and blew a kiss. Harry almost fainted, but then he realized that he didn't love her anymore, and that Snape was drunk. "Snape over thar, she gives us one drop o' those potions, alcohol just vanishes out o' t' body... kinda like magic! Oh, it's time now!" Hagrid tried to get out of the pool, to Harry's extreme horror, but the rubber pool came up with him, and stuck fast to his midsection, to Harry's extreme relief.  
  
Harry turned to the green-looking Ron. "Ron, we've got to RUN! Do you know what'll happen if WE'RE SEEN!?"  
  
"No?"  
  
"WE'LL GET EXPELLED!!! THIS IS WORSE THAN BEING OUT AT NIGHT; IT'S THAT, PLUS FINDING OUT A SECRET THAT'LL TARNISH THEIR REPUTATION FOREVER!!!"  
  
When Ron finally realized the seriousness of the situation, Snape had taken the potion. She looked at Harry and Ron as if they had three heads each.  
  
"WHAT THE... POTTER, WEASLEY... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?! OH, YOU BOYS HAVE DONE IT NOW!!! YOU'VE DONE IT NOW!!!" she said, in an uncanny resemblance of her male self.  
  
As more teachers took the potion, the shouts became greater. Harry was so scared that he couldn't even think. He tried to back away, but was stopped by Hagrid.  
  
"Now, now..." said Hagrid, "You boys have crossed the line, I'm afraid. Nice knowin' yeh."  
  
"LET'S GET THEM AND EXPELL THEM!" shouted McGonagall.  
  
At that, NEARLY EVERY SINGLE TEACHER IN THE SCHOOL RUSHED AT THEM, WANDS OUT.  
  
Harry and Ron both ran like heck, somehow busting through the crowd of angry teachers to get to the door. They dived through, and ducked to avoid a few leg-locker spells. Ramming up through the trap-door, they bolted around the corner, the whole staff at their heels.  
  
"PROTEGO!" shouted Harry. Just in time, as a few jinxes bounced off of the shield as soon as it was formed.  
  
Harry and Ron rounded a corner, only to be stopped by Professor Trelawney.  
  
"I FORSEE EXPULSION IN YOUR FUTURE!" she screamed, kind of hysterical. Harry never knew Trelawney to be violent. He also never knew about half of the other teachers chasing him to be so violent. But he also never knew ANY of the teachers to get drunk secretly at 1:45 in the morning. There was a lot of stuff he didn't know, Harry realized.  
  
Harry and Ron dodged Trelawney, and ducked into a classroom before anyone could see them.  
  
Except for Trelawney, who they had forgotten about as soon as they dodged her.  
  
"THEY'RE IN HERE!!!" screamed Trelawney. Harry and Ron heard many angry voices outside.  
  
"REDUCTO!" screamed Professor Flitwick, blasting down the door.  
  
"You know, that DOES have a doorknob." Said McGonagall.  
  
"No it doesn't." said Flitwick, picking up and hiding the door's broken doorknob.  
  
"Yes it does, you're hiding it behind your back!" said McGonagall.  
  
"Er, excuse me?" said Snape. "I don't mean to interrupt, but THE KIDS ARE ESCAPING RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE!!!"  
  
Harry had blasted down the wall he and Ron were up against with a "REDUCTO," and they were off!  
  
The rest of the staff rushed past Flitwick and McGonagall, still having their argument.  
  
"This... is not a doorknob!" said Flitwick, holding the doorknob out in front of him.  
  
"Yes it is." Said McGonagall.  
  
"Do you see a sign on it that says doorknob?" asked Flitwick with a smirk.  
  
"Yes." Said McGonagall, pointing to the sign on the doorknob that read "doorknob."  
  
Flitwick grew scarlet.  
  
"Where should we go!?" panted Ron, just behind Harry.  
  
"Outside! We'll lose them there!"  
  
Harry and Ron slid down the entire banister to the first floor. Now in the Entrance Hall, they burst through the entrance doors. The cold night air brushed across their face, but they didn't notice it. It's kind of hard to when you're outrunning the whole staff.  
  
The distance was closing, as the teachers were using speed up spells to catch up. The reason they didn't do this BEFORE was unknown.  
  
"THAT'S IT!" screamed Ron. "WE'RE DOOMED!!!"  
  
And then they were saved.  
  
Harry saw it first, its headlights nearly blinding. It pulled up next to Harry and Ron, and its doors flew open.  
  
It was Ron's dad's car, the Ford An-thingy!  
  
"HEY!" said Ron. "Wow, car, look, Harry, it came!"  
  
"Man, this is convenient!" said Harry. "We're saved!"  
  
Just then, a spell whizzed over Harry's ear. It hit the Ford, engulfing it in a flash of yellow light. And then it disappeared.  
  
"No..." said Ron, patting the spot where the Ford had just been. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HOW... HOW COULD THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY WASTE 50-60 WORDS MAKING ME THINK THAT WE WERE GOING TO GET SAVED!?! AND THEN HAVING IT HIT WITH A RANDOM SPELL THAT MAKES IT DISSAPPEAR!? THAT'S JUST PLAIN EVIL!!!"  
  
"We've got them now!" shrieked one of the teachers.  
  
Harry turned around, staring down just about the whole staff. No matter what, he'd get expelled. But he couldn't go down without letting at least one other student know about the secret parties that occurred in the middle of the night. He had to get back to that castle! And to do that... he'd have to fight through the whole staff!  
  
And that's when the extremely convenient and cheap earthquake occurred.  
  
***  
  
Yeah... I'll bet you want to find out what happens, next? Well then review! It's my fourth chapter today, I think I deserve it!  
  
~!@#$%^&*()_+ 


	14. Expulsion

Well, the streak has ended, as this is now being typed a day after my four consecutive chapters. Oh well, it's not like anyone's checking their computer at one-minute intervals to see if another chapter has been posted.  
  
[Scene switches to some crazy fan's house who is checking his computer at thirty-second intervals]  
  
Yep, just as I said, no one checks at one-minute intervals.  
  
***  
  
Wow. I just checked my story, and it's under 1,100 words, which is my goal for every chapter!  
  
Anyway, before we switch to our regularly scheduled chapter, I have to beef up my word count to 1,100+ words!  
  
***  
  
YOU. LIKE. ME. AND. WE. DREAMED. OF. THINGS. LONG. SINCE. PASSED. WHEN. WE. SWUNG. UNDER. THE. ROSE. BUSHES. DO. YOU. BELIEVE. IN. LIFE. AFTER. LOVE. DO. YOU. BELIEVE. IN. DEATH. AFTER. LOVE. NO. I. DO. NOT. YOU. ARE. A. CRAZY. IDIOT. RICE. RICE. RICE. RICE. RICE. ONE. AND. TWO. AND. THREE. AND. FOUR. AND. ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE. END!  
  
***  
  
Curses, not enough words! How in the WORLD will I EVER beef up my word count to one-thousand one-hundred words, EVER!? Well, I guess I'll just have to... hey, it's there already! I wonder how? -_-  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, okay!? Are we happy? Good.  
  
***  
  
The Earthquake lasted for about two seconds.  
  
And then it stopped.  
  
Harry could not believe it. Was EVERYTHING against him!?!  
  
The teachers formed a circle around him.  
  
"We're going to expel you so fast that you won't even have time to say ANYTHING to your friends!"  
  
Harry was desperate now. "RON!" he shouted. "QUICK! GET INTO THE CASTLE! TELL..."  
  
But Ron wasn't listening, he was still sort of sick.  
  
"It's over." Thought Harry. "There's no way I'll get out of this... no way... no way..."  
  
And that's when...  
  
...Harry got caught.  
  
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" shouted Harry as the group of teachers grabbed him and Ron. One summoned all of their stuff from their dorm, leaving a trail of broken glass and bricks behind.  
  
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" he repeated. "YOU MEAN THAT'S IT, I'M EXPELLED!?! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS- MY GOODNESS, THIS IS THE WORST STORY ENDING EVER!!!"  
  
And then Harry and Ron were cast off of the Hogwarts grounds.  
  
THE END!!!  
  
***  
  
HARRY POTTER IS ON FIRE 2!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.  
  
As Harry and Ron flew through the non-Hogwarts grounds air, Harry thought only one thing.  
  
"Well, at least we know there's know way of getting out of this one!"  
  
And that's when Harry landed on the Time-Turner.  
  
And promptly broke it.  
  
"CUUUURRRRRSSSSSEEEESSSSSS!!!" screamed Harry. He turned to Ron. "Well, Ron... what are we going to do?"  
  
Ron, looking considerably less green, stood up. "Harry, we MAY be able to get back into school!" he said. "We just have to find Hogwarts, a History..."  
  
"W-why?" asked Harry nervously. He didn't want to have anything to do with that book.  
  
"Because, even though I never read it, Hermione has, plenty of times! And she said that it has the grounds for expulsion on it... And I don't think out of bed at night is EVER grounds for expulsion!"  
  
"Yeah, but... you know what we saw?"  
  
"SO WHAT!" shouted Ron happily. "As long as we were just witnesses- we didn't do anything, Harry, we're not supposed to be expelled!"  
  
"Yeah, so what do we do, Ron, sneak into the school library with every teacher up?"  
  
"Yes!" said Ron firmly. "It's the only way!"  
  
"Fine." Sighed Harry.  
  
As they both turned to go back into the Castle, they were interrupted by a loud puff of steam and a deep voice saying- "JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, FOOLS?"  
  
Harry and Ron turned, seeing nothing, and then realized that the only other thing there was-  
  
"YES, I AM THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS, FOOLS! NOW, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CLIMB ONTO ME, AND I TAKE YOU AWAY, FOOLS!"  
  
Harry and Ron sprinted as fast as they could away from the train.  
  
"OH NO YOU DON'T FOOLS!" shouted the train. It GOT OFF OF THE TRACKS, and rammed straight at Harry and Ron.  
  
"DIVE!" shouted Harry. He and Ron dived out of the train's path just in time.  
  
"COME BACK HERE, FOOLS! GET IN ME FOOLS!" said the train, turning around.  
  
"Oh, man, Harry, this is messed up!" said Ron, quivering next to him. "I never knew the Hogwarts express to be so alive... and evil... and say 'fool' so much..."  
  
"Ron, we'll have to FIGHT it!" said Harry, drawing his wand. "It's the only way!"  
  
"No way... you mean now we have to FIGHT the Hogwarts express!?" said Ron in disbelief. "Mate, this is... just not normal."  
  
The Hogwarts express charged, and Harry jumped out of the way JUST in time, aimed his wand at the wheels, and shouted, FLIPENDO!!!"  
  
His wand did nothing.  
  
"What!? Oh, right, that's only in the video games. All right, next try!"  
  
"My turn!" said Ron, as the train turned. He stared it down, jumped to the side at the last second, and shouted- "AVIFORS!!!"  
  
Many, many birds flew out of his wand, straight at the Hogwarts express, and died.  
  
"D'OH!" shouted Ron. Harry jumped in for another try.  
  
"YOU FOOLS CAN'T BEAT ME! I'M A TRAIN, FOOLS!!!! WHATEVER YOU'RE GOING TO DO, IT WON'T WORK, YA' FOOL!" shouted the train as it turned around.  
  
"Yes it will." Said Harry, as he stood his ground. "I WON'T MOVE."  
  
"WHAAT, FOOL!?!" screamed the Train and Ron. (Obviously, Ron didn't scream the last part.)  
  
"Yep!" said Harry. "I know that you have to stop! If ya' want to get me to ride you, that that is."  
  
The train was now getting uncomfortably close. Harry could read the stuff on its front.  
  
"HA, FOOL! YOU'RE A FOOL! I DON'T NEED YOU, I CAN JUST TAKE THE OTHER ONE AWAY, AND YOU'LL BE DEAD! ER, FOOL!"  
  
"I don't believe you." Said Harry simply.  
  
And then the train laughed.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAFOOL!"  
  
It was now VERY close... and then Harry realized that it WOULDN'T stop. He shielded his eyes... Ron shouted out...  
  
And then the train hit Harry, killing him instantly.  
  
And then Harry Potter woke up.  
  
"Where am I?" he wondered.  
  
And then he saw the train speeding right towards him, even CLOSER than it was one second ago when he had dreamed it had hit him.  
  
"NO ESCAPE NOW, FOOLS!" shouted the train.  
  
"It's really over," thought Harry, "No way I'll escape now..."  
  
And then the spell hit the train.  
  
It was engulfed in yellow light, and then it disappeared, a lot like Mr. Weasley's car.  
  
Harry, his heart now beating faster than imaginable, looked to Ron. Ron was standing still, looking as surprised as Harry.  
  
Then, they both turned their heads to the same spot.  
  
"HERMIONE!!!" they both shouted out.  
  
***  
  
Ooh, that's a shocker. What's Hermione's connection in all of this, besides being the one who caused it all? (Actually, Harry and Ron, with their small minds, caused it all, but that's not the point.)  
  
FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER, FOOLS! And you'd better be there!  
  
Déjà vu.  
  
Rhymes with review.  
  
Review. 


	15. Infiltration

Gosh, this is probably becoming the most frequently updated story on FF dot Net!  
  
Well, as long as I don't have a life, (or stay on vacation,) I'll update all you want.  
  
Now review all you want, which better be A LOT. I live on reviews. They keep me writing more. Or does me writing keep you reviewing...? Well, enough philosophies, time for the show!  
  
La cucaracha, la cucaracha, enchilada blah blah blah...  
  
Some more words... yeah... la cucaracha... whatever...  
  
THE END!  
  
[Darkboy77 is booed off of the stage]  
  
***  
  
Well, as my singing and dancing career didn't work, I guess I'll just have to stick to writing these Fan Fictions! And here's my best [read: only] one!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Or does Harry Potter not own me?  
  
***  
  
"Yes, Harry, Ron, it is me." Said Hermione. "I TOLD you not to go there, and when you didn't listen, I thought, what the hey, let them be idiots and get in trouble! But when YOU GOT EXPELLED, I couldn't believe how idiotic you were. And then the train... Harry, you were going to GET YOURSELF KILLED, when you could've beaten it in ONE STEP!"  
  
"HOW!?" shouted Harry, extremely aggravated.  
  
"Harry, take one step backwards."  
  
Harry did, and fell into the lake.  
  
Coughing, sputtering, and swearing, Harry grabbed land and hoisted himself upwards. He was completely dry, of course. No one stays wet after jumping into the water with all of their clothes on.  
  
"You mean... all I had to do was sidestep the train, and let it run into the lake!?"  
  
"EXACTLY!" said Hermione. "I'm really glad I followed you! I saved your life with my teleportus!"  
  
"What's that?" asked Ron.  
  
"The teleport spell! The same spell the teachers hit your dad's car with! Sends anything five miles away AT LEAST! Very hard, though, as it's beyond NEWT level..."  
  
"Then how do you know it!?" asked Ron furiously.  
  
"Because, Ron, I am smart."  
  
"Word." Said Harry and Ron together.  
  
"Anyway," said Hermione, becoming serious, "you're right, you have to find Hogwarts, a History, and the closest copy is in the library! All I can say to you is... good luck!" and with that, Hermione ran into the castle.  
  
"Any idea how she'll get back without being seen?" asked Harry.  
  
"Not a clue." Said Ron.  
  
"Think she'll make it?"  
  
"Not a doubt."  
  
***  
  
35 minutes later, Harry and Ron were outside the castle doors.  
  
"All the teachers should be in bed by now." Said Harry.  
  
"Yeah." Agreed Ron. "It's not like they patrol the corridors! This isn't some high-security base! In fact, it should be EASY for us to get to the library!"  
  
***  
  
Inside, the teachers were patrolling the corridors.  
  
"Why are we patrolling the corridors?" asked one.  
  
"I don't know." Replied another. "But it seems Dumbledore wants us to treat Hogwarts like its some high-security base. But all I know is this... it won't be easy to get into the library!"  
  
"Wow."  
  
***  
  
Harry and Ron gasped as they came into the entrance hall, and then quickly dived behind a few Gargoyle statues.  
  
"Did you see all of those teachers!?" hissed Harry.  
  
"I did!" replied Ron. "But I don't think we have to worry. No one can see us behind these two gargoyle statues!"  
  
***  
  
"Hey, who are those two idiots hiding behind those gargoyle statues?" asked a teacher.  
  
"I don't know!" replied another. "Let's leg-lock them so we can find out who they are!"  
  
***  
  
"Uh, they're raising their wands..." said Ron nervously. "Harry, should we run?"  
  
"No, they can't see us!" replied Harry. "Stay absolutely still..."  
  
"Harry, they're coming this way!"  
  
"Stay still... we are invisible..."  
  
"Harry, they're looking straight at us!"  
  
"Stay still..."  
  
"Harry, they're right next to us!"  
  
"Invisible..."  
  
"Harry, they're taking me away! Harry..."  
  
"Okay, Ron, if you are THAT nervous, we'll move."  
  
Harry grabbed Ron by the hand, looked around, and then dashed for a door, leaving the two teachers behind.  
  
"Why did you let them escape?" asked one.  
  
"I just felt sorry for them." Said the other.  
  
***  
  
Harry and Ron were pressed up against the edge of a wall. Filch was around the corner, looking around intently for any students. They needed a way to get past him!  
  
And then Harry saw the barrels.  
  
"Ron!" said Harry with glee. "Get into one of these barrels!"  
  
They both got in, and after a few minutes of work, made holes for their eyes.  
  
"How will this help?" wondered Ron.  
  
"If we just stay still, move when his back is turned, and then stay still before he turns around, we'll EASILY make it past him!"  
  
"Harry, I don't think-"  
  
"Do you have a better plan?"  
  
"Actually, I-"  
  
"Then let's GO!"  
  
Ron made an indignant sound, and followed Harry.  
  
They walked for a few feet, and when Filch was ready to turn around, they dropped onto the floor, and stayed completely still.  
  
Filch glanced at the barrels at the top of the corridor for a brief second, and then turned around.  
  
Harry and Ron sprinted as fast as they could for about 20 feet, and then stayed completely still before Filch turned around.  
  
When Filch turned around, and saw the barrels 20 feet closer than they had been five seconds ago, he yelped in surprise.  
  
"Harry, we've been sighted!" said Ron nervously.  
  
"Impossible! We're completely still!" said Harry.  
  
Filch, after getting over the shock, LAUGHED.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA! You've got to be kidding me, you delinquents in the barrels! If there isn't a barrel in a spot five seconds ago, and then five seconds later, there is one, no matter HOW still it is, I'm not going to think it was already there! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, my, that was the worst attempt in years! But I can't laugh too long! MRS. NORRIS!"  
  
Filch's cat sprang up from out of nowhere, howling as loud as she could. Almost instantly, McGonagall, Sprout, and Hagrid were at her side.  
  
"GET THOUSE DELINQUENTS!!!" screamed Filch.  
  
"Which ones?" asked Hagrid.  
  
"What do you mean, you overgrown teacher- THE ONES IN THE BARRELS!"  
  
"Which barrels? I don't see any barrels." Said Professor Sprout.  
  
"No... no barrels...?" said Filch, his heart stopping. "There were two there a second ago..."  
  
"Argus, I think you might need some rest." Said McGonagall. "Come on, back to our posts."  
  
The three teachers left, leaving Filch all alone.  
  
"I... must have underestimated you..." said Filch. "But mark my words..." he CLOSED HIS EYES and tilted his head towards the ceiling. "YOU WON'T GET BY ME AGAIN!"  
  
And that's when Harry and Ron brushed past him, unnoticed by Filch.  
  
***  
  
"That was a genius plan, Harry, ducking around the corner when Mrs. Norris howled." Said Ron. "Actually, it wasn't, but it worked."  
  
"Don't rub it in." said Harry. "Hey, the library!"  
  
Harry and Ron entered the library.  
  
"Now all we have to do is find Hogwarts, a History, get it, get out, go to Dumbledore and prove our innocence!"  
  
"Should be easy." Said Ron.  
  
***  
  
Five minutes later, Harry and Ron walked out of the library with numerous cuts and bruises, a big, red stripe across both of their chests, and, for some strange reason, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice each. But they had still gotten the book.  
  
"Okay, we have the proof, now all we have to do is go to Dumbledore's office and show him!" said Harry.  
  
"Easier said than done." Said Ron. Dumbledore's office is exactly-  
  
"Three steps from the library." Finished Harry. "They moved it this year, remember?"  
  
"No!" said Ron, sipping his orange juice. "But I'm glad."  
  
"Anyway, most likely, the password will be some candy, so start thinking."  
  
They went up to the familiar gargoyle head, (at least familiar to Harry,) ready to guess the password. But when hey got there, they realized it wasn't necessary.  
  
The door was wide open, as if Dumbledore was expecting them.  
  
***  
  
OOH, A CLIFFHANGER!!! Why am I so excited, I've had, like, ten already. But no one cares, just read my next chapter when it comes.  
  
Yo, you've got to review  
  
Cuz if ya' do  
  
Well, then you  
  
Won't make me feel blue  
  
And you know you do  
  
Not want to make me feel blue  
  
Now get out of here  
  
And review! Review! 


	16. The Laundry Heist

YES!!! I HAVE 70+ REVIEWS!!! And all in one day, too! Thanks, all of you who have reviewed! And thanks, all of you who have reviewed more than once, especially Aelfswythe, (I THINK I GOT IT RIGHT!) ash vault rose garden, Ali and john, who are anonymous, and so I'll just have to use that as their pen names, who have reviewed so many times that I shudder to think how many reviews I'd have without them.  
  
Oh yeah, and thanks wdbydoglvr (wdby dog lover!?),Hermione, and Sirius Lover for Life, along with ash vault rose garden and that Aelf guy for adding me to your author alerts. And thanks Aelfswythe and ash vault rose garden for adding me to the ultimate list, your FAVORITES list!!! Okay, now I'm all teary-eyed, so I'll just stop the thank-yous now. Is "yous" a word? My computer doesn't think so. Well, forget that computer; I'll just go by instinct noe. Wait- that last word doesn't look right. Nohw? No, that doesn't look right either. Okay, maybe I shouldn't forgot the computer. Er, forget.  
  
Those last few sentences, of course, were not serious. I know how to spell now, and I know all about verb-form. So whyy didn't you all got off uv my back, huh!?  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or my scary interpretation of Dumbledore.  
  
***  
  
Harry and Ron hesitantly went inside the open door. They walked up a few stairs, which ended at another door, which was also already open.  
  
The room had no one inside. Harry and Ron looked around- the office had changed some, but not that much.  
  
Sipping their orange juices, Harry and Ron sat down in two chairs that were available. The rest of the chairs were occupied by various types of lady's underwear.  
  
Lady's underwear.  
  
"WHAT THE HECK!?" shouted Ron, jumping up.  
  
Harry picked up a neon pink and very lacy bra that he thought was the same one that Dumbledore had worn at breakfast the other day.  
  
He then examined all of the other items. They had a vast range of colors, shapes, and sizes...  
  
"My gosh, Dumbledore's a freak." Said Ron, horrified. "A freak..."  
  
"Don't say that about Dumbledore!" said Harry firmly.  
  
That's when Dumbledore came in through the open door, dressed in a very businesslike suit, holding a big box chock-full of (what else?) underwear. There were men's and women's underwear alike inside.  
  
"OKAY, FREAK!" shouted Harry, jumping up. "WE HAVE PROOF HERE THAT WE SHOULDN'T BE EXPELLED!" he thrust a sheet of paper in Dumbledore's face.  
  
"Hmm..." said Dumbledore, reading. "It seems you're right. You're admitted back into the school."  
  
"JUST LIKE THAT!?" shouted Ron, unbelieving.  
  
"Yes." Said Dumbledore. He lay the box down on one of the chairs.  
  
"Okay..." said Harry, sounding kind of worried. "What's with all of the..."  
  
"Laundry?" said Dumbledore, smiling.  
  
"Er... yeah..." said Ron, who was kind of sick yet again. "And why did you leave the door open?"  
  
"Oh, I don't have time to open doors! What if someone were to give chase after I-"  
  
"YOU WHAT!?!" shouted Harry, disgusted.  
  
Dumbledore smiled a wide smile. Harry felt kind of sick himself. Dumbledore then pointed his wand directly at Harry's- no, he couldn't be pointing it there- he must be misunderstanding something-  
  
"ACCIO LAUNDRY!" shouted Dumbledore.  
  
Harry felt a tug in a very uncomfortable place, and then his underwear RIPPED itself off of his body, shot out of his pants, and zoomed towards Dumbledore. He caught it, smiling, and threw it into the box.  
  
Harry was in shock. He felt utterly violated, and all he could manage was a weak-  
  
"So... that's what you've been d-doing? Stealing people's underwear?"  
  
"Yep!" said Dumbledore, looking mighty proud of himself. Ron fainted.  
  
"Oh, Poppy will fix him!" said Dumbledore, smiling. "Now, Harry, tomorrow night, you will aid me on the biggest laundry heist yet!"  
  
"NO WAY YOU CRAZY PERVERT!!!" shouted Harry, backing away from Dumbledore.  
  
"Yes way!" said Dumbledore. "Or I will personally expel you!"  
  
Harry could not believe his ears. What the heck had caused Dumbledore to become so perverted!? And evil!?  
  
Ron woke up.  
  
"Okay, Harry, so we start the laundry heist at 8:00 in the morning tomorrow! We should be taking about half of Saturday, so you'll have time for lunch. Be here! The password is 'Holy Utters'."  
  
Ron fainted again.  
  
***  
  
"I can't believe I'm here..." mumbled Harry, walking up to the gargoyle. He told it the password, "holy utters," and entered the office.  
  
Dumbledore was wearing another business suit, and jumped up when he saw Harry. "Oh, good, Harry, you're here! Now let's go! Ready your wand! I'll teach you the 'finer points' of Laundry snatching!"  
  
Harry almost thought of running away, but then he was stopped at the thought of expulsion.  
  
Dumbledore and Harry walked down the corridor to the Great Hall.  
  
"Prime source!" whispered Dumbledore to Harry.  
  
"What does that-"started Harry, but Dumbledore seized him, and made him duck behind a suit of armor.  
  
"Here, look, Colin's coming! And he's walking with- is that Ginny? PERFECT! I can show you how to snatch male AND female laundry!"  
  
"Oh, yippe..." said Harry, wondering how he could not be noticed. Oh, wait, he wouldn't have to worry about that. He was wearing a chicken mask, as was Dumbledore.  
  
"You see..." said Dumbledore, "You have to point AT the laundry, and the only way you're going to get it from a far distance is from behind! So, basically, we wait until they've walked past us, and then we use a summoning spell to summon it!"  
  
"And... why are we doing this?" wondered Harry aloud.  
  
"Well..." said Dumbledore, "I suppose it started in your first year, when I was obsessed with thick, woolen socks... from socks it went to underwear... and, well, by your fourth year, I was obsessed. And now, well, here we are!"  
  
"Okay..." said Harry. He was confused.  
  
"Okay, Harry, WATCH!" Dumbledore peeked out from behind the suit of armor. He pointed his wand directly at the base of Colin's back, whispered Accio, laundry, and Harry heard a sickening rip.  
  
"Score!" whispered Dumbledore, and Harry heard a sickening rip. He also heard angry and confused voices, and then he heard two more rips. "Double score!" whispered Dumbledore.  
  
"OKAY, WHO'S THE FREAK WHO JUST DID THAT!?" SCREAMED Ginny. Harry tried to make himself as small as possible.  
  
"I think it came from over there!" said Colin.  
  
"RUN, HARRY!" shouted Dumbledore, sprinting down the corridor, holding three pairs of underwear, and laughing like a madman. For an old guy, that man could move.  
  
Harry tried to follow, but was frozen by a shout by Ginny.  
  
"HARRY!?" screaned Ginny. "DID THAT CRAZY OLD GUY SAY YOU WERE HARRY!?"  
  
Harry, being the idiot we all love, didn't run. He turned, and attempted to throw the suspicion off of himself.  
  
"Er, no he didn't! I'm not Harry!"  
  
"You sure sound like Harry." Said Colin.  
  
"Uh, well I'm not!" said Harry, in a poorly disguised voice.  
  
"Fine, if you aren't Harry," said Ginny, "then where do I live?"  
  
"The Burrow. OH, WAIT, NO, that's not how I was supposed to answer- er, you do not live in the burrow."  
  
Ginny and Colin looked at each other. "Harry." They both said.  
  
Harry, finding his wits much too late, ran away.  
  
"OH, YOU MAY BE ABLE TO ESCAPE ME!!!" came Ginny's voice that curiously didn't fade away as Harry ran. "BUT MARK MY WORDS: YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE ME! OH, WAIT, THAT DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT- MARK MY WORDS: I SHALL GET YOU BACK!!! BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!!!"  
  
Harry rushed into the Common Room, dashed upstairs, and scurried into his bed. He buried his head under the covers. He didn't even want to imagine what would happen when he faced the wrath of:  
  
GINNY AND COLIN!!! All rights reserved.  
  
***  
  
Well, what an interesting chapter. I'll bet that you want to review so badly, now, RIGHT!? Well, don't hold back! Review! In fact, go back and review all of the other 15 chapters, too! I won't be sad. In fact, I will be HAPPY!  
  
I don't dare say this, but... the ultimate milestone, 100 reviews, is drawing ever near. I didn't even THINK of coming this close when I started... and I hardly dare to think that I will get there, even now. But the people who have been reviewing so far- keep it up, and maybe the dream will become a reality!  
  
No, not the dream of fame, being rich, or marrying a big movie star. The dream of 100 reviews. I just told you about it five sentences ago, people. Learn to listen! Wait- make that learn to read. No, learn to comprehend. What you read. JUST LEARN READING COMPREHENSION, AND BE HAPPY! I sure am. Why? Because I almost have 100 reviews, did I tell you that? 


	17. Colin and Ginny's Wrath!

AND THE COUNT IS: 15 more reviews until I reach 100! Oh, yeah! I'm keeping the chapters coming, so you keep the reviews coming!  
  
Come on... I just need one person to review all of the chapters, and I'll be OVER 100 reviews! But I'm not implying that you do that. [Do it!] For I hate people not reviewing of their own free will. [Forget that dumb Free Will! Just do it!]  
  
So, yeah.  
  
Yo, and thanks Drangonsile for adding me to your favorites list. I just checked my stats this morning! I am now on the list of THREE people!  
  
Anyway, time to start the story!  
  
Disclaimer: I own Harry Pottter.  
  
But not Harry Potter.  
  
[Then, some woman named J.K. Bowling comes up]  
  
Bowling: I own Harry Pottter!  
  
[Bowling smashes me on the head with book entitled: Harry Pottter and the Stone of the Sorcerer]  
  
***  
  
Harry Potter woke up in his bed, totally refreshed. He propped himself up, and promptly got knocked out by a camera.  
  
***  
  
Harry Potter woke up in his bed, groggy and woozy. He attempted to prop himself up, when he realized that he couldn't. It was as if his clothes were attached to the bed. But that couldn't be...  
  
"NEVILLE!" screamed Harry. "DID YOU STEAL COLIN'S CAMERA, KNOCK ME OUT, AND THEN HAVE GINNY TEACH YOU THE ATTACHING SPELL, AND THEN ATTACH ME TO THE BED!?"  
  
"No, Harry..." came the incredibly deep and surprisingly evil voice of Neville. "Maybe Colin knocked you out with his camera... and then Ginny snuck in here, and attached your clothes to the bed! MUWAHAHAHA..."  
  
"Impossible!" said Harry. "That would NEVER happen..."  
  
And then he remembered.  
  
It was two weeks ago, when he had caught a glimpse of Ron's pink underwear...  
  
"WAAH!" shouted Harry. He thought he had forced himself to forget that! But in any case, that wasn't it. Thinking again, he looked around the room for clues. Thankfully, his curtain was mysteriously open, so he could look around without having to get up...  
  
He saw the rubber chicken mask. He saw his pass, scribbled out in Dumbledore's handwriting, to go to his office. He felt the fear, the fear of being recognized. And then he remembered.  
  
"DUMBLEDORE CALLED ME TO HIS OFFICE SO I COULD SMUGGLE CHICKENS FROM HAGRID TO HIM, BUT THEN HAGRID RECOGNIZED IT WAS ME, SO I HAD TO THROW A RUBBER CHICKEN MASK AT HIM TO DISTRACT HIM!" spewed off Harry. "But then, the question is... how do I get my mask back!?"  
  
"Harry, you are pathetic." Harry saw Ron looking through the open space where his curtains usually were. "You told me all about this TWO NIGHTS AGO, and then you go and forget the next morning!?"  
  
"Sorry!" said Harry. "But when someone knocked me out with Colin's camera... hey... wait a second..."  
  
"YES!" said Ron. "Yes, Harry, yes!"  
  
"IT WAS NEVILLE WHO STOLE THAT CAMERA!!!  
  
Screamed Harry, jumping up as hard as he could. Instead of falling back, he RIPPED through his clothes, and then bounded over to Neville's bed. "GET OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE SON OF A-"  
  
"Harry, NO, YOU, NO!!!" said Ron. But Harry was already in Neville's bed, making vicious sounds. "HARRY!" shouted Ron in a desperate attempt to make him stop. "HARRY- YOU'RE IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!"  
  
Harry stopped, horrified. And then he looked down at Neville. Wait- there was no Neville! He had been... TEARING PILLOWS TO SHREDS!?!"  
  
As Harry spit feathers out of his mouth, he noticed that someone was above him... or something...  
  
Harry looked up. Colin's camera floated above him. Before he could shout out, the camera had taken a picture of him in his underwear, with feathers all over him.  
  
"COLIN, GET BACK HERE!!!" screamed Harry, leaping through the curtains. "SO IT WAS YOU!!!" Harry bounded down the stairs into the common room. And at that point, every single person turned around to look straight at him... in his underwear.  
  
"EEE!" screamed most of the girls, and some of the guys, too.  
  
And at the front, were Ginny and Colin, laughing their heads off.  
  
Neville was at the back, just looking evil.  
  
Dean and Seamus looked at Harry with sickening admiration.  
  
And Ron, who had just come downstairs, looked at Harry with pity.  
  
Harry just stared at everyone, horrified.  
  
But then, the worst possible thing happened.  
  
Hermione came downstairs from the girls' dormitory. When she saw Harry, she just gasped, blushed furiously, and then ran back upstairs.  
  
Harry bolted upstairs into his own dormitory, amid hysterical gales of laughter.  
  
***  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione sat down together at the great hall, Hermione, for some reason, avoiding Harry's eyes. Harry was furious and Ginny and Colin for embarrassing him like that, but even more scared of their next stunt. What could it be?  
  
And that's when the storm of owls came, dropping packages, and the school newspaper.  
  
"We have a school newspaper?" asked Ron. "Since when!?"  
  
"Since this year, Ron." Said Hermione, glancing at the first page. Then, she gasped.  
  
"What is it?" asked Ron and Harry at the same time.  
  
Blushing furiously, she handed the newspaper to Harry, and then dashed out of the Great Hall, trying to stifle laughter, for some reason.  
  
"What is...? OH MY GOSH!" shouted Harry, reading the front-page headline.  
  
It read- HARRY POTTER, CHICKEN BOY!  
  
"They've got to be kidding..." said Ron, reading the article in disbelief. But then he saw the picture. "Look, Harry, it's you!" he said.  
  
Harry looked at the picture, and grew scarlet. "COLIN!" he shouted. It was the picture of him in Neville's bed a half-hour earlier, covered in feathers. The picture Harry was still ripping up the sheets, but, to Harry's horror, it looked like he was flapping around. The small article underneath read-  
  
Harry Potter, previously convicted of Underwear-filching and other felonies, was today captured on camera film by a Hogwarts news photographer. He was in his bed, evidently covered in feathers and attempting to fly.  
  
Now, a lot of conclusions may be drawn from this, ranging from an ancient magical spell to just being plain loony. But with this other piece of evidence the same photographer photographed-  
  
Here was a Photograph of Harry's chicken mask. The article continued-  
  
We can safely assume that Harry Potter is attempting to turn into a chicken, making him a CHICKEN BOY!!! BWOCK BWOCK BWOCK!!! CLUCK CLUCK!!!  
  
Here the article ended.  
  
"WHAT THE FLAMEL WAS THAT!?!" screamed Harry, causing many people to turn.  
  
"Did... did you just swear using that philosopher guy that we learned about in our first year's name?" asked Ron nervously.  
  
"YES!" shouted Harry. "I CANNOT BELIEVE... CHICKEN BOY!? THIS IS CRAZY!! NO ONE WILL BELIEVE THAT!!!"  
  
And that's when the bags of Chicken Feed hit him in the face.  
  
"What!?" shouted Harry furiously. "CHICKEN FEED!? WHO THE HECK THREW THAT!?" Harry looked around for the culprit. It didn't take him long to find out who it was.  
  
"Pavarti!" shouted Harry. "YOU'RE the one who I bumped into in the hallway three weeks ago!"  
  
"Okay..." said Pavarti nervously, slowly backing away, and then sprinting out of the Great Hall. But Harry didn't notice. He was scanning the Great Hall for the person who had thrown the chicken feed at him.  
  
And then he saw Malfoy, laughing and pointing. "How's it going, chicken boy!?" shouted Malfoy, hooting.  
  
Harry, madder than a ticked off Blast-Ended Skrewt, got out of his chair, and stomped over to Malfoy. He drew out his wand... people turned to watch the inevitable fight that was going to happen...  
  
And that's when the pie hit him squarely in the face.  
  
Unable to see, Harry stumbled around and fell flat on his face.  
  
The Great Hall erupted in laughter around him.  
  
Harry, now more scarlet than possible, stumbled around, trying to get up, but then he fell back down, causing even more laughter.  
  
And the laughter standing out most of all were the ones of...  
  
"GINNY AND COLIN!!!" screamed Harry at the top of his lungs. He jumped up, and flung the pie off of his face. (It happened to hit and break a Hogwarts window, causing exactly 3 Galleons, 2 Sickles, and 5 Knuts to be deducted from his bank account, but Harry didn't care at the moment. Neither do you, or else I would write a whole chapter's worth about the incident.)  
  
Harry advanced very menacingly towards the duo, making them cower in fear. He was going to hex them so bad... he pulled out his wand...  
  
And that's when he was pulled back by a very angry and manlike Snape.  
  
"Snape!" said Harry nervously. "You changed back?"  
  
"Yes..." said Snape coldly. "It seems my colleagues knew an antidote for my state, yet mysteriously forgot until now... but that's not the point. The point is that you just broke a Hogwarts window, and were about to attack your fellow students," and with a slight sneer he added, "Chicken Boy."  
  
Harry just looked at Snape with a loathing beyond imagination.  
  
"So, Harry, I'm afraid that I will have to deduct 150 points from your house."  
  
"ONE HUNDRED FIFTY!?" screamed Harry. "ARE YOU MAD, WE JUST HAD ABOUT FIVE TODAY!!!"  
  
Snape sneered. "Two hundred."  
  
He released Harry, and added, "And detention tomorrow at eight, in the dungeons! BE THERE!"  
  
Snape left, and Harry thought he distinctly heard him mutter Chicken Boy at least 29 times. Snape leaves very slowly.  
  
"That son of a..."  
  
"TWO-HUNDRED TEN!"  
  
Harry just went back to his seat, his anger beyond imagination. He now had three people on his people to get back list. Ginny and Colin would have to wait; he would get Snape back (again) tomorrow!  
  
***  
  
Oh no, what will Harry's plan be for tomorrow? A very stupid one, no doubt. But funny nonetheless!  
  
Now review, yo! 


	18. Misplaced Quo'tes

For some reason, FF dot Net wouldn't let me log in for about an hour, so I couldn't post!  
  
But now I am logged in, and can write and post all I want!  
  
Now onward!  
  
Disclaimer: I love to eat pizza.  
  
***  
  
Harry arrived at Snape's detention, fire still in his eyes. He was going to get Snape back, no matter how many points it cost. Obviously, Snape being a girl hadn't taught him a lesson. No matter what Snape said- he would get him back.  
  
"Harry Potter," said Snape as soon as Harry walked into the dungeons- "If you attempt to get me back I will referee your Quidditch match tomorrow with Hufflepuff!"  
  
This made Harry lose all of his desire to get Snape back.  
  
"Why would I want to get you back, sir?" Harry asked with mock politeness.  
  
"Because I heard you mumbling 'I've gotta get him back' under your breath as you came into the dungeons!"  
  
Harry cursed. He thought that he had only been thinking that!  
  
"And ten points from Gryffindor for your language!" said Snape, his eyes glittering.  
  
Harry had obviously thought that he had been thinking that too.  
  
"What?" wondered Snape. "Are you babbling, Potter?"  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Harry, confused.  
  
"There! You just did it again! First you said, 'Harry had obviously thought that he had been thinking that too,' and then you said, 'What do you mean? Asked Harry, confused.' It's like you're talking in a way an author of a book would talk about you!"  
  
"No I'm not! Said Harry angrily. Was Snape trying to mock him?" said Harry angrily. Was Snape trying to mock him?  
  
"Potter, I should be asking you the same question!" said Snape furiously. "Whatever this is, it just cost Gryffindor ten more points!"  
  
"No way! Said Harry, offended. I'm not doing what you said!" said Harry, offended.  
  
"Potter, fifty points from Gryffindor! Consider that your detention! Now get out of my sight!"  
  
"Harry was almost beside himself with anger. You must be crazy- I'm not talking like- Harry stopped." Harry stopped. "Oh my gosh! He said. I am talking like that!" he said.  
  
Harry bolted upstairs, and dashed towards Gryffindor tower. He had no idea why he was talking like this, this had to be some sort of a spell, like the Klat Sdrawkcab spell, who could have- and then he stopped.  
  
"GINNY AND COLIN! HARRY SCREAMED!" Harry screamed. "They're the ones who probably did it- and I've got to find the counter-spell! Make that, Hermione has to find the counter-spell! Said Harry." Said Harry.  
  
***  
  
"Ron, why are we sitting around here doing nothing?" wondered Hermione.  
  
"Because it's February 21st. Harry always runs in with a problem that you have to solve on February 21st."  
  
Harry burst into the common room.  
  
"HERMIONE! SHOUTED HARRY!" shouted Harry. "I HAVE A PROBLEM THAT I NEED YOU TO SOLVE!"  
  
Ron looked at Harry like he was crazy, but Hermione gave Harry a significant look.  
  
"It's the 'misplaced quo'tes spell!" said Hermione. "It's kind of complicated; you have to think of our world as a book."  
  
"Yeah?" said Harry and Ron together. However, Harry added "said Harry and Ron together."  
  
"Well, when someone speaks in a book, they have quotes around their words, and then the author adds something like, 'said Hermione.'" Said Hermione. "Well, in the 'misplaced quo'tes' spell, it's like you're speaking as if the author puts the ending quotations around the extra bit like 'said Hermione,' instead of ending them where the speaker usually finishes!"  
  
"Wow, what an unusual spell." Said Ron. "Who cast it on you, Harry?"  
  
"Who do you think!? Asked Harry Furiously. Those two little *astards, Ginny and Colin!" said Harry furiously.  
  
"Harry, what's an asterisk-astard?" asked Ron.  
  
"A what?"  
  
"That's what you called Ginny and Colin. Asterisk-astards."  
  
"No, Ron." Said Hermione. "He was trying to say the swear word, but since the spell cast also makes him talk as if the book he's in would be rated PG, he can't say that word! So, on paper, the censored version of that bad word would look like ASTERISK- A-S-T-A-R-D-S. And since the spell makes him talk like a book, that's what he has to say!"  
  
"Oh." Said Ron. "Man, Harry, you can't even swear? That's unfair."  
  
"Just... stop me from talking this way! Said Harry irritably." Said Harry irritably.  
  
"Okay, okay." Said Hermione. She picked up her wand and pointed it at Harry's throat. "REPLACIO QUOTUS!" she said.  
  
Harry felt a jolt in his throat. "I'M CURED! Said Harry." Said Harry.  
  
"Er, Harry," started Hermione.  
  
"Sorry, Herm, can't talk now! I have to go find those two idiots, Ginny and Colin! Said Harry hurriedly. I'll bet they're in my dormitory!"  
  
"Harry, the spell doesn't take effect for one hour-"  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Said Harry not listening. I just have to go find them!" said Harry, not listening.  
  
As Harry ran upstairs, Ron and Hermione turned to each other.  
  
"Let the idiot find out for himself." They said at the same time. Then they started laughing very maniacally.  
  
Neville came downstairs, looked at them, shrugged, and joined in.  
  
A few first years came down, looked at the three, got scared, and ran away, crying.  
  
***  
  
"Harry looked around his dormitory room." Said Harry. "He saw no one inside but that idiot Seamus and Dean. He would never admit it to himself, but if Dean was a girl, he'd totally date him... her."  
  
To Harry's surprise, Seamus brushed past him, looking highly affronted, and Dean rushed past him, looking at him like he was an alien.  
  
Brushing it off, Harry tore open his bed curtain. No one was there. Breathing a sigh of relief, Harry went back downstairs.  
  
Ron, Hermione, and Neville were all there, laughing evilly. Harry looked at them like they were crazy, and then saw Ginny in a corner.  
  
"GINNY! SHOUTED HARRY!" shouted Harry.  
  
"What is it, Harry?" Ginny said sweetly.  
  
"DON'T YOU WHAT IS IT ME, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID! SHOUTED HARRY, TRYING NOT TO LOOK AT HER TIGHT BUTT!" shouted Harry, trying not to look at her tight butt. "AS MUCH AS HE HATED HER AT THE MOMENT, HE HAD ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE HAD A GREAT BUTT, AND HE JUST HOPED RON WOULDN'T FIND OUT!" shouted Harry for all of the common room to hear.  
  
Ginny just froze in horror, and Ron, Hermione, and Neville all stopped laughing, and turned to gape at Harry.  
  
"You... YOU'VE BEEN CHECKING OUT MY SISTER!?!" shouted Ron, striding over to Harry.  
  
"No, no I haven't, Ron, what gave you that idea!? Lied Harry, sweating. How did Ron find out that he had secretly been trying to catch glimpses of Ginny's butt ever since she came to this school!?" said Harry.  
  
"YOU SON OF A- THIS IS MY SISTER!!!" screamed Ron. Ginny ran away to the girls' dormitory.  
  
"And then Harry realized that the 'misplaced quo'tes spell hadn't worn off." Said Harry, who had just realized that the "misplaced quo"tes spell hadn't worn off.  
  
Ron just looked at Harry like he was an alien, and then ran to his bed.  
  
Harry, very embarrassed now, turned to Hermione.  
  
"Harry..." said Hermione, "You just blew it."  
  
"Yes I did. Said Harry, sheepishly turning away." Said Harry, sheepishly turning away.  
  
***  
  
Well, that definitely was an unorthodox chapter. But next chapter: More Quidditch!  
  
Do you think this story is funny? Do you think it is not funny? Are you undecided? Do you not care? Do you like pie? Do you breathe?  
  
If your answer is yes, no, or maybe to any of the above questions, review.  
  
Help the dream come true!  
  
That's the dream of 100 reviews. Did I tell you about this before? 


	19. Cleansweep Zero

ONLY FOUR MORE REVIEWS AND THEN I HAVE 100.  
  
So come on: PLEASE review!  
  
No, really, PLEASE!  
  
Okay, enough groveling. In this chapter: Quidditch! Again!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, okay!? Good.  
  
***  
  
Harry Potter was ready. He had hours of preparation for this moment, and wasn't about to forget his task. He raised his knife...  
  
And dug into his breakfast.  
  
"You know, I think Harry takes breakfast a bit too seriously." Said Ron.  
  
"I agree." Said Hermione.  
  
***  
  
Harry sat in the changing room, changed and ready to go. He had just patched up his argument with Ginny and Colin, although half of the school still snickered whenever they saw him. Oh, and it didn't help that he was wearing a chicken mask.  
  
"Harry, take that chicken mask off." Said Ginny.  
  
"Yes, Ginny." Said Harry, throwing his mask aside.  
  
As the whole team slid an inch away from him, Ginny got up to give her pep talk.  
  
"Okay, the good news is, Snape's not reffing!"  
  
The whole team cheered.  
  
"The bad news is, Slytherin's tried to sabotage our equipment! And if we're not careful, they'll try to sabotage us! YOU! Yes, you Slytherin hiding in one of the stalls! Get out of here!"  
  
Crabbe grumbled, broke the locker door open, and lumbered away.  
  
"That's my locker!" said Harry, horrified.  
  
"Yes it is, Harry. You'd better check your broom, too!"  
  
Harry checked his broom. It looked regular, had a smooth surface, and all in all, it didn't look sabotaged at all!  
  
Besides the fact that it was a Cleansweep zero, of course.  
  
Harry looked horrified. "A CLEANSWEEP ZERO!? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WENT THAT LOW!"  
  
Ginny cursed. "Harry, they switched your broom with the worst broom that was ever made for QUIDDITCH!"  
  
"Why, does it go less than 30MPH, top speed?"  
  
"NO, but it cam hardly turn, hardly rise, hardly drop, and hardly go straight! Oh, and it has a 27MPH top speed."  
  
Ron looked at Harry with pity. "Mate..." he said, "My brothers' OLD brooms went 45 MPH top speed!"  
  
Harry put his head into his hands. "We've got to find my Firebolt!"  
  
"NO TIME!" shouted Ginny.  
  
"Fine, then can someone lend me their broom?"  
  
"Er..." said the whole team.  
  
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"  
  
"Harry..." said Colin finally, "No one wants to ride a Cleansweep zero. It's the worst broom imaginable!"  
  
"And I got stuck on it." Said Harry, still unbelieving.  
  
"OKAY!" shouted Ginny. "TIME TO GO!!!"  
  
***  
  
Up in the stands, near the scorer's box, was Ravenclaw Terry Boot.  
  
"And, I'm your new UNBIASED commentator from Ravenclaw, Terry BOOT!" shouted Terry.  
  
"Why can't I commentate?" whined Tyler, right under Terry.  
  
"Because you, like Jordan, were BIASED towards your house!" said Professor McGonagall.  
  
"But it's not just that!" said Tyler. "He has to be able to not let his emotions get in the way of fair commentating!"  
  
"And you didn't, mister 'I got five penalties called on me?'"  
  
Tyler just grumbled.  
  
"AAAAANND HERE THEY ARE!" shouted Terry happily. "THE HUFFLEPUFFS, CONSISTING OF... WELL, SOME PEOPLE THAT I DON'T KNOW... ER, THREE CHASERS, TWO BEATERS, ONE KEEPER, AND SEEKER CHO CHANG!"  
  
"I know them." Said Tyler grumpily. "There's... er... never mind."  
  
"AAAAAAAND HERE COME THE GRYFFINDORS! I DON'T KNOW THEM EITHER, EXCEPT FOR RON WEASLEY, AND, OF COURSE, HARRY POTTER, WHO IS RIDING ON HIS FANTASTIC..."  
  
"Don't say it..." grumbled Harry, who was trying desperately not to let his broom go into a nosedive. "Don't announce it to the school..."  
  
"H-his... his... ha ha... oh, hee hee... no... not... a... ha ha... hohoho... heeheehee... C-C-Clean... he he he... HA HA HA... Cleansweep ZERO!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" this went on for quite a while.  
  
Harry nearly cried. That was worse than announcing his broom's name.  
  
"Er... as commentator Boot is unable to continue..." said Tyler, tugging the megaphone from Boot, who was on the ground, unable to get up. "I WILL RETURN! OH YEAH! THE MASTER IS BACK!"  
  
Madam Hooch was at the center of the pitch with all of the balls. "CAPTAINS!" she shrieked. "SHAKE HANDS!" Ginny shook hands with a Hufflepuff chaser. "OKAY!" screamed Madam Hooch, releasing the balls. "One, two..." she blew her whistle.  
  
"AND THEY'RE OFF! Boy, I sound like a horse-race commentator. Anyway, It's Bell with the Quaffle, Bell making some great moves to the goal, but tackled by a Hufflepuff chaser, oh no, he has a clear way... hey, why is Potter not rising?"  
  
"I AM!" screamed Harry. "THIS CLEANSWEEP ZERO RISES SLOWER THAN MOLASES!"  
  
The Hufflepuff chaser made some great moves in an attempt to fake Ron out, but Ron saved the Quaffle in time. Looking down the field, he saw Colin open. Heaving the Quaffle to him, Colin took it, lobbed it over the keeper to Ginny, who put the Quaffle in!  
  
"GRYFFINDOR SCORES!" screamed Tyler. "Terry, would you mind putting ten points down for Gryffindor?"  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA!" came his answer.  
  
"I just have to do everything myself!" grumbled Tyler. "Hufflepuff with the Quaffle..."  
  
Harry, now 11 feet off of the ground, was just starting to get the hang of rising, when he saw something to make his heart still.  
  
A Bludger was speeding straight for his stomach.  
  
Harry furiously tugged at the Cleansweep Zero, but it wouldn't budge, it was already rising!  
  
"What, this thing can't rise and turn!?" shouted Harry in disbelief. He had only one other option. It was that or be knocked out by the Bludger.  
  
Harry jumped off of his broom, sending it flying into the path of the Bludger. CRACK! It splintered. Harry felt a surge of disappointment rise up in him. Gryffindor would NEVER win now...  
  
And that's when Harry landed on the snitch.  
  
"What was that I landed on?" wondered Harry, ready to lift his left foot up.  
  
"HARRY!" screamed Seamus. "DO... NOT... LIFT... YOUR... LEFT... FOOT... UP!"  
  
"What's that!?" shouted Harry. Seamus was so far away. "Lift my left foot up!?"  
  
"NO!" shouted Seamus.  
  
"What, you say? Go? Okay!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Seamus.  
  
"I'm going!" said Harry, lifting his right foot up. "Wait... was that my left foot? Aw, what the heck, it is for today!" said Harry I a prime moment of Harry stupidness.  
  
"GOOD! GOOD, HARRY, NOW TAKE THE SNITCH OUT FROM UNDER YOUR LEFT FOOT!"  
  
"The snitch!?" said Harry, his heart racing. He lifted up his left (or right) foot to search for the snitch under his right (left), and the snitch promptly flew away. And Harry also fell down, trying to lift up two feet at one time.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HARRY, YOU'RE AN IDIOT."  
  
"Yes, I know that I make good peanuts, Seamus."  
  
***  
  
"And, with the score 70-20 Gryffindor, and Harry grounded, it seems that Gryffindor has to raise their efforts to score! Any thoughts, Terry?"  
  
Terry, who had just recovered from his laughing spree, took the megaphone, and surveyed the game.  
  
Then he saw Harry running around on the ground without any visible means of flight.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... OH NO... NOT AGAIN... HAHAHHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
"Whatever." Said Tyrone, taking the megaphone away from a Terry who was falling down onto the ground again.  
  
Ginny, who had heard Tyrone, knew he was right. "Okay, guys, and girls, we need to SCORE LIKE WE NEVER DID BEFORE!!! READY!?"  
  
Her fellow chasers nodded.  
  
"THEN LET'S GO!!!"  
  
"Ginny with the Quaffle... to Katie, back to Ginny... toss to Colin... Colin, coming up the left side... or the keeper's right, I don't know, just don't ask Harry Potter, Colin, he's going to shoot, NO! Faked a shot and threw it to Bell, Bell, faking out the keeper, Bell... BELL SCOR- NO, WAIT, IT... BOUNCED OUT OF THE GOAL!? BUT I DIDN'T HEAR ANY GOALPOST SOUNDS! DID YOU HEAR ANY GOALPOST SOUNDS? I DIDN'T!!!"  
  
Bell, looking very disappointed, regrouped with Ginny.  
  
"Don't worry about it, Katie!" said Ginny reassuringly. "We just have to try harder! Are you ready, Katie?"  
  
"I'm ready! Are you ready, Colin?"  
  
"I'm ready! Are you ready, Ginny?"  
  
"I'm REAAADY! Are you ready, Colin?"  
  
"I'm ready! I'm ready! Are you ready, Katie?"  
  
"I'm ready as Eddie! Are you ready, Ginny?"  
  
"Who's Eddie? Oh, wait, I'm ready. But are you ready, Katie?"  
  
"You already asked. Are you ready, er...?"  
  
"YES, WE ARE READY! NOW LET'S GO!!!" shouted Ginny.  
  
By this time, Gryffindor was only up by ten, but at least they were ready.  
  
***  
  
Harry paced the ground, furious. Now the only way they'd win was if the Snitch flew into his open palm.  
  
Just then, the snitch flew into his open palm.  
  
"HARRY!" screamed Seamus. "CLOSE YOUR LEFT PALM!!!"  
  
Harry closed his right palm.  
  
The snitch flew away.  
  
"HARRY... YOUR BRAIN IS JUST ABOUT THREE TIMES SMALLER THAN NORM! AND NORM'S BRAIN IS SMALL!!!"  
  
"Don't ever compare me to Norm!" said Harry, who had been compared to Norm a lot. He was probably the least liked person in the school, besides Seamus.  
  
Harry, furious now, went back to pacing the ground.  
  
And that's when Hufflepuff's seeker went into a dive.  
  
***  
  
"Oh no... IT LOOKS LIKE SEEKER WHAT'S HER NAME HAS SEEN THE SNITCH! HE'S DIVING STRAIGHT TOWARDS HARRY!"  
  
Harry saw Cho coming straight towards him, and he felt his stomach do a somersault. But that was most probably because he was forced to do a somersault to avoid her. Harry saw the glint of gold just beyond her reach...  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!" shouted Harry, diving in slow motion. His whole body was stretched out in full, his eyes only on the golden prize...  
  
And then he landed a full thirty feel away from the snitch.  
  
"HUFFLEPUFF CATCHES THE SNITCH!!!" shouted Tyler. "Wait... then why am I all excited? My commentator senses should be telling me to cry about now..." and then he looked at the score.  
  
"HOLY UTTERS!" a long distance away, Dumbledore's office opened. "GRYFFINDOR WON 9,950 TO 210!?"  
  
Harry, his heart almost still at this announcement, turned to the three chasers, who were grinning as they descended.  
  
"HOW THE HECK DID YOU SCORE SO MUCH!?!" shouted Harry in disbelief.  
  
"What can I say?" said Ginny, her smile shining with glee. "We were ready!"  
  
***  
  
Harry, returning to the locker room, found Malfoy cleverly hidden in one of the light fixtures on the ceiling, with his Firebolt.  
  
"Did you lose?" he asked.  
  
"No." said Harry.  
  
"Curses!" cursed Malfoy, jumping out of the light fixture, handing Harry his Firebolt. "Foiled once again!"  
  
***  
  
Hey, Gryffindor actually won! And they have enough house points to make up for the negative 10,005 they had (an exact count!)!  
  
Oh, wait...  
  
Anyway, PLEASE REVIEW!!! And after you do, REVIEW AT LEAST THREE MORE CHAPTERS!!! But really, review only if you want to. [Don't listen to the good side of me! Review, even if you don't want to!] Don't listen to the bad side of me. At least my good side isn't stuck in between brackets! [At least I have brackets!] Why would I want brackets? [They're cool!]  
  
WHATEVER! Just review. Only four more reviews until I reach the dream, did I tell you about this? 


	20. Who is Professor Spring?

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY... er, holy... Uh, holy... holy something... Wow, I was screaming so much that I forgot what I was going to say! BUT WHO CARES!? I HAVE GOTTEN 100+ REVIEWS!!! AND ON MY FIRST FANFIC, TOO!!! THIS IS WHAT EVERY NEW FANFIC WRITER DREAMS OF, AND I HAVE DONE IT!!! Okay, okay, breathe... breathe... good.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...  
  
***  
  
THANK YOU, everyone who has reviewed so far. You have made this possible. Okay, I'm going to try to credit all of you. [Deep breath] Okay... [Minimizes screen, goes onto internet, clicks on FAVORITES, and chooses Fanfiction. Net, logs in, and then CHECKS REVIEWS!!!]  
  
Thanks sophiethedevil, alliecatgcevenessence, Ali, wdbydoglvr, Dark Viola, ash vault rose garden, john, random person, Darkboy77 (wait, that's me!), ali-cat-21, Aelfswythe, silvamagic, Sirius Lover for Life, Master of Randomness, brit, Emily-Lyef, (no I'm not twelve), SleepsInOctober (DÉJÀ VU!), irisbud, Fairy Dust, Gertrude, pigg, must resist stupidity impulse, sally, SASUKA, SpicySugar, sam, I, spooflover13, Funny Boy, Tays, Superstar- 18222, kate molly anders, ~*Ari*~, chickadee, Hermione Gardiner, butterbeercap, weirdas, drangonsile, and... oh, that's it. IF I FORGOT ANYONE, THEN YOUR REVIEW PROBABLY HASN'T SHOWN UP ON THE REVIEW PAGE AS OF NOW. Okay, anyway, thanks everyone!  
  
Now onward, to chapter 20!  
  
Disclaimer: Hehehe... I don't own Harry Potter... hehehe...  
  
***  
  
Spring had come to Hogwarts.  
  
He was here to fill in the empty position of Defense against the Dark Arts.  
  
"Professor Spring!" said Dumbledore, beckoning the tall professor into the entrance hall. He wore lilac robes and a black tiara on his head. A crowd had formed to watch the new professor come in.  
  
"What!? Why is a Defense professor coming in NOW!?" wondered Ron.  
  
"Because the position wasn't filled for the first half of the year!" said Hermione.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Ron, have you noticed that we've had no Defense against the dark arts classes for THE FIRST HALF OF THE YEAR!?"  
  
"No."  
  
Hermione slapped herself on the head as Harry craned his neck for another look. He hadn't seen the teacher's face yet...  
  
"I've got to take a look at that teacher's face!"  
  
"Harry, we have him first thing tomorrow." Said Hermione.  
  
"WHO CARES, I can't wait until then!" Harry attempted to push through the crowd, but he kept being cut off by even more curious people. By the time he was done, and burst onto the floor of the entrance hall, Spring was gone.  
  
"He must've passed me!" said Harry. He rushed back to where he came.  
  
"Harry, slow down!" said Hermione. But Harry didn't. As everyone returned to wherever they were, Harry was looking for the black tiara and lilac robes. He thought he saw a glimpse of purple- but that was only a pimp. A PIMP!? What the heck!? Harry would have investigated, but he was too set on seeing the teacher's face.  
  
And then he saw the robes. His teacher was standing at the very end of the crowded corridor Harry was in! "Yes!" thought Harry, casting his glance where the teacher's face should be.  
  
But Harry's view of the teacher's face was blocked by a book that blocked the teacher's small face off in the distance.  
  
"NO!" shouted Harry, diving to the side. He tried to look at Spring's face AGAIN, but, from his position on the floor, a bag strap blocked his view.  
  
"This is crazy!" shouted Harry, rolling over to get the bag out of his field of vision. But then, as he stood up, a spontaneous crowd had formed.  
  
"NOOOOO!" shouted Harry. He barreled through the crowd. It seemed as if god himself was keeping him from seeing Spring's face. He came to an opening through all of the bodies-  
  
And that's when the lighting bolt from the heavens hit him.  
  
***  
  
"Oh..." mumbled Harry from his hospital wing bed. "Where am I?"  
  
"You are in the hospital wing, Potter, once again." Came Madam Pomfrey's voice. Harry opened his eyes.  
  
"You were struck by lightning, Potter, but I have cured you."  
  
"Cured? Don't you mean treated?"  
  
"GET OUT!!!"  
  
Harry rushed out of the hospital wing with his books. Even though he was seriously freaked at getting struck by lightning while inside a magical building, he still needed to catch a glimpse of Professor Spring's face.  
  
"HARRY!" shouted Ron.  
  
Harry turned around. Ron and Hermione were behind him, running towards him.  
  
"Harry, you've got to stop this obsession!" said Hermione.  
  
"I'm not obsessed!" shouted Harry, quickly hiding the notebooks he had with "SPRING" written all over them.  
  
"Harry... we'll all see who Spring is tomorrow!"  
  
"But I can't wait!" whined Harry.  
  
"Harry, do you want to get struck by lightning AGAIN!?" asked Ron.  
  
"No- hey, how'd you know?"  
  
"I'm the government, Harry." Said Ron. "I know everything."  
  
"Yeah, but- hey, you're not the government!"  
  
"Oh, wait-" said Ron, frantically hiding his SWIB (Secret Wizard's Investigations Bureau) badge, "No, I am not the government."  
  
Hermione looked at Ron unbelievingly, and then turned to Harry. "Harry, if you don't want to get struck by lightning again, just play it cool and wait for the next day."  
  
"Okay!" said Harry. "The next day."  
  
***  
  
Harry walked into his Defense against the Dark Arts class. His heart was pounding, and he could hardly breathe. Finally, he could see who his teacher was! The teacher, still in lilac robes, was at the front of the class, with her back turned to everyone. Harry sat in his seat, next to Ron and Hermione.  
  
"Good morning..." said the teacher. "My name is... PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE SPRING!" The same Umbridge from Harry's fifth year turned around, and smiled straight at Harry.  
  
***  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Harry. "Huh? Oh, thank goodness, a dream." He was in his bed, and a few rays of golden sunshine were shining through his curtains.  
  
Golden sunshine!? He was late!  
  
Harry jumped out of his bed, threw on clothes, took them off, took off his pajamas, threw on the clothes he had just thrown off, and dashed towards the door, tripping on a copy of Hogwarts, a History.  
  
He arrived at the classroom five minutes later. The teacher, still in lilac robes, was at the front of the class.  
  
"Good morning." He said, his back turned to everyone. "My name is... PROFESSOR QUIRREL SPRING!" The same Quirrel of Harry's first year turned around, sneering straight at Harry.  
  
***  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Harry. "Huh? Oh, a DOUBLE DREAM!?" he was in his bed, yet again, and the sun was shining through his curtains, yet again. He was late, yet again.  
  
He arrived at the classroom and the teacher had their back turned blah, blah, blah. And then, the teacher spoke.  
  
"MY NAME... IS VERNON DURSLEY SPRING!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Harry. But he didn't wake up. Was he really not dreaming?  
  
He pinched himself. He woke up.  
  
***  
  
"My name... IS MICHAEL JACKSON SPRING!"  
  
Harry didn't know if he should scream or not here. He just knew it was a dream.  
  
He pinched himself.  
  
He didn't wake up.  
  
***  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Harry. If he didn't know better, he'd say that he just had a triple dream. And then the giant disco ball crushed Hogwarts.  
  
***  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH... oh, forget it!" said Harry. He pinched himself very firmly about fifteen times, and then he screamed as loud as he could. He didn't awaken back in his bed. His dream had ended at a quadruple dream.  
  
"Phew!" said Harry, relieved. And then he realized that he was late.  
  
***  
  
"My name..." said the teacher in dramatic fashion... "Is... "PROFESSOR TOM SPRING!"  
  
Spring turned around.  
  
Harry's heart stopped.  
  
It was Voldemort.  
  
***  
  
Well, quite a shocker, yes? But Darkboy77, you may ask, how could Voldemort be in Hogwarts without anyone recognizing him? Well, the answers are found in the NEXT CHAPTER!  
  
Even though I'm completely satisfied, review. 


	21. Tiaras Are Disguises

NOTE!  
  
One, thanks !@#$%^&*()_+ for bringing me well over 100 reviews, and two,  
  
Now that vacation is over, I probably won't get to submit 2-3+ chapters a day. Sorry, thought I had ABSOLUTELY no life, didn't ya'?  
  
But I will try my hardest to submit one a day, and if I get the chance, more!  
  
THE NOTE IS OVER!  
  
Also, it seems like I have received my VERY FIRST flame, from Chavalah Maresca, a jealous writer whose stories have no reviews (His name's under reviews from chapter one). I don't really care about the flame, but I do feel kind of sorry for him. Be dears and send a review to one of his stories, 'kay?  
  
Okay, time to write!  
  
Now onward!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harr[y] [Po]tt[e]r[!]  
  
***  
  
Harry pinched himself very, very firmly.  
  
He didn't wake up.  
  
He pinched himself again.  
  
Nope.  
  
He pinched himself as hard as he could, seventeen times.  
  
Nope, again.  
  
He tried screaming.  
  
"Potter, what's all of the fuss!?" asked Voldemort, in his same high- pitched, cold voice.  
  
"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!"  
  
The rest of the class turned to Harry.  
  
"DON'T YOU SEE!?" screamed Harry. "THIS IS VOLDEMORT!!!"  
  
The whole class fell into a hush, and shuddered, including Voldemort himself.  
  
"My... Potter, you must be mistaken!"  
  
"THIS IS CRAZY!!! DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT THIS IS VOLDEMORT!?"  
  
The whole class shuddered again, and then looked at Harry like he was crazy.  
  
"T-that can't be You-Know-Who!" said Pavarti, shivering. "Harry, are you okay? T-that's not You-Know-Who!"  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" screamed Harry. He gestured to Voldemort's snakelike face. "L-look! He has a snakelike face!"  
  
"So do many people!" said Dean.  
  
"HE PRACTICALLY HAS SLITS FOR EYES!"  
  
"My Grandma does." Said Seamus.  
  
"HE- whoa, Seamus, too much information. BUT HIS SKIN IS JUST ABOUT CHALK-WHITE!!! HE HAS LONG FINGERS! HIS VOICE IS HIGH-PITCHED AND COLD! MY SCAR'S BEEN TINGLING FOR THE PAST DAY, (though I didn't notice it)! AND HE KNEW MY NAME WITHOUT EVER MEETING ME BEFORE! HE'S VOLDEMORT!!!"  
  
The whole class met Harry's words with a dead silence.  
  
"B-but... Harry... it can't be..." said Hermione.  
  
"WHAT!? WHY NOT!?" screamed Harry.  
  
"Because..." said Ron.  
  
"BECAUSE WHY!?"  
  
"Because... of the Tiara on his head!"  
  
"WHAAT!? HOW DOES THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE!?"  
  
"Well... You-Know-Who never wears a Tiara!"  
  
Harry was struck dumb at this statement. "T-tiara...? FORGET THE TIARA!!!"  
  
"Sorry, Harry," said Hermione, "But Professor Spring wears a tiara. Voldemort doesn't. Professor Spring can't be Voldemort."  
  
"Yes, Potter." Said Voldemort. "I'm afraid that the confrontations you've had with the Dark Lord must have racked your nerves a bit. I assure you, I am not Vol- er, You-Know-Who."  
  
Harry just glared at Voldemort. He could not believe he was talking with him like this, in this situation. If Voldemort ever came anywhere near this school, Dumbledore should have caught him right away! Dumbledore wouldn't be fooled...  
  
And then Harry remembered the "laundry" incident, and lost all of his confidence in Dumbledore.  
  
That meant that Harry had to expose Voldemort for who he was. "Take off your tiara." He said.  
  
Voldemort looked taken aback. "Er... what tiara?"  
  
"THE ONE ON THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!:  
  
"Er, I can't." said Voldemort. "Religious reasons."  
  
"WHAT RELIGION!?!"  
  
"Er, good question!"  
  
"JUST TAKE THE BLOODY THING OFF!" shouted Harry, trying to leap at Voldemort. But Ron restrained him.  
  
"Harry, it's the man's religion! You can't take it off!"  
  
Harry just glared at Ron. And then he glared at the rest of the class.  
  
"Do you really believe that he's NOT Voldemort?"  
  
The whole class shuddered, and then nodded.  
  
"YOU... OH MY GOSH, YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS!" screamed Harry.  
  
He bolted out of the classroom. The class fell into silence, yet again.  
  
And then Harry bolted back in, trying to take the tiara off. But luckily, Ron was there to stop him. Harry just grumbled, and stalked back out.  
  
And then he rushed back in a second time for a third attempt, but he had no better success.  
  
***  
  
Harry sat at his table at breakfast the next day, never taking his eyes off of Voldemort, causing him to spill soup on himself five times.  
  
"Harry," asked Hermione, "do you still believe that Spring is-?"  
  
"Yes." Said Harry. "And today, I have a plan to prove it!"  
  
"ANOTHER plan?" asked Ron.  
  
"YES!" shouted Harry. "Now shut up and I'll tell you about it!"  
  
***  
  
Oh boy, another plan from the Master, Harry! Next chapter, we find out what it is!  
  
Review. 


	22. The Plan!

WHOO HOO! 150+ REVIEWS!!!  
  
AND ALL POSITIVE!  
  
Except for the one from Chavalah Maresca, who was jealous that my stories got plenty of reviews and his/hers didn't.  
  
Could any of you please send a review to any of his/her stories (click on his/her name in my review page, in ch. 1 reviews), to stop him/her from flaming innocent humor writers?  
  
Only if you want to, as I think having no reviews should teach him/her good enough a lesson, rather than reviews in pity. I mean, I've asked you about 359 times to review my stories, I don't think it would be wise for me to ask you to review others'.  
  
IGNORE MY NOTES AT THE START OF CHAPTER TEN!!!  
  
Okay, anyway, er... OH NO, I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE NOTES!!!  
  
Noooo!!! Oh, wait- it's not that serious.  
  
Okay, er... uh... yeah... I guess I'll put the Disclaimer out.  
  
Disclaimer: Who am I? Who are you? Who is Harry Potter? One thing's for sure- I don't own him.  
  
***  
  
"The Plan," said Harry, leaning over to whisper to Ron and Hermione, "is that I plan to knock this phony's tiara off!"  
  
"And how?" asked Ron skeptically.  
  
"Do you see those complicated system of ropes and pulleys I set up over all of the tables?"  
  
"No, I don't." said Hermione, looking all over the place.  
  
"Why not, they're... D'OH!" screamed Harry, slapping himself in the face.  
  
***  
  
Twenty minutes later, Harry came back to the table, breathing hard.  
  
"There, I set them up." Said Harry.  
  
"Yeah." Said Ron. "It's amazing how you did that without anyone recognizing you or what you were doing."  
  
"Yes, it is." Replied Harry. "Now, anyway, my plan is, when Voldemort sits down,"  
  
Ron gave a shudder.  
  
"As I was saying," said Harry, distracted by the shudder, "When Voldemort sits down-"  
  
Ron gave another shudder.  
  
"STOP IT! When Voldemort sits down,"  
  
Ron gave yet another shudder.  
  
"Ron," said Harry through clenched teeth, "WILL YOU STOP SHUDDERING!?"  
  
"I-I'll try." Said Ron.  
  
"When Voldemort-"  
  
Ron gave a shudder.  
  
"When Volde-"  
  
Ron gave still ANOTHER shudder.  
  
"WHEN VOL-"  
  
Shudder.  
  
"WHEN-"  
  
Shudder.  
  
"RON!!!" screamed Harry.  
  
"Harry," said Hermione patiently, "Why don't you start from AFTER You- Know-Who sits down?"  
  
Harry sighed. "If I must."  
  
"Good." Said Ron, breathing a sigh of relief.  
  
"Anyway, after he sits down, he'll be in perfect position for me to release this rope!" said Harry, gesturing to a rope that was tied to the leg of one of the tables. "The rope will cause that heavy stone over there to fall, and when it falls, it will pull another rope, which, in turn, will hoist up a hook with a pail full of water!  
  
"Now, the pail will fall sharply when the rock finishes falling, onto the lowered end of a lever with yet another rock on the raised end..."  
  
"Shouldn't the pail fall onto the RAISED end, and the ROCK be on the LOWERED end?" asked Hermione.  
  
Harry glared at Hermione with fire in his eyes.  
  
"Sorry... just... evaluating..." said Hermione meekly.  
  
***  
  
"Okay!" said Harry thirty seconds later, after fixing the lever. "Anyway, when the pail falls on the RAISED end..."  
  
Hermione gave an embarrassed giggle.  
  
"The lever will flip the second stone up, which will then land on a button right behind McGonagall! The button will start a system of ropes which will raise a HUGE hook up, and, when the hook reaches maximum height, it will start to swing freely, like a pendulum!  
  
"Now, the pendulum will get lower and lower, swinging with more and more strength, and when it finally gets low enough, IT WILL SNATCH THE TIARA RIGHT OFF OF VOLDEMORT'S HEAD!!!"  
  
Ron gave a shudder, and then commented on Harry's plan.  
  
"Harry..." said Ron.  
  
"Yes?" replied Harry, prouder than ever, because he came up with this complicated plan that his best friend was about to praise.  
  
"THAT IS THE WORST PLAN I'VE EVER HEARD OF!"  
  
Well, so much for praise.  
  
"I MEAN FIRST OF ALL," went on Ron, "IT'S NEEDLESSLY COMPLEX! BUCKETS OF WATER, ROPES, PULLEYS, YOU CAN'T JUST USE A SUMMONING SPELL TO YANK THE BLOODY TIARA OFF!?"  
  
"And you can't?" retaliated Harry.  
  
"NO, I DON'T MESS WITH PEOPLE'S RELIGIONS!!! AND SECOND, WHAT IF THE WATER DOESN'T LAND EXACTLY ONTO THE PAIL, HMM!? WHAT IF THE ROCK MISSES THE BUTTON!? WHAT IF THE PENDULUM IS ONE INCH OFF!? IT MESSES UP THE WHOLE PLAN!!!"  
  
"Well, sorry!" said Harry. "But it's my plan, and it's going to work!"  
  
Voldemort sat down.  
  
Harry released the rope tied to the table.  
  
"I've gotta see this!" said Ron and Hermione together.  
  
***  
  
The first part worked beautifully. The rope released just fine.  
  
The second part worked perfect, too, and Ron and Hermione watched in amazement as the pail fell onto the lever, and the rock hit the button.  
  
"Ooh!" squealed McGonagall, feeling the brush of the rock on her bottom. She turned and slapped Professor Flitwick.  
  
The giant hook raised, and, by the time it had gotten to the ceiling, it started to swing.  
  
It was gradual, but the silver hook was slowly swinging and lowering at the same time. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all watched as the hook got lower and lower. Soon, it was swinging past the teacher's tables... then the Ravenclaw tables... and soon, it was above the Gryffindor tables!  
  
"It's amazing how no one but us notices this." Said Hermione.  
  
The pendulum lowered! It was directly over Voldemort's head! His tiara wouldn't be on it for long now!  
  
And still, lower!  
  
Louder! Er, lower. [No, not louder. Ignore the louder. I just got caught up in the Poe spirit, is all.]  
  
Lou- LOWER! [Curse you, Edgar Allan Poe!]  
  
"Yes..." said Harry as the hook went past him... "Yes..."  
  
The hook flew over Voldemort's tiara on the backswing.  
  
"On this swing..."  
  
WOOSH!  
  
"Er..." said Harry as the hook came close, but didn't rip of the tiara. "Er... next swing..."  
  
WOOSH!  
  
"Next one..."  
  
WOOSH!  
  
"OKAY!" said Harry, annoyed now. "This one, FOR SURE!"  
  
The hook arched back... Harry got ready for a ripping sound...  
  
BRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNGGG!!!  
  
What!? That wasn't a ripping sound...  
  
And then Harry realized it was the bell.  
  
"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Harry as Voldemort casually got up, moved away, and let the hook pass exactly where his tiara would have been.  
  
***  
  
Ha, disappointing ending, yes? Well, Harry never gets discouraged! Until next chapter, folks!  
  
REVIEW! 


	23. The Lesson

Oh, boy!  
  
160 reviews!? Man, I'm doing well!  
  
Ha, maybe I'll hit 200 soon! Oh well, right now, that can only be a dream.  
  
Anyway, for those of you wondering, this story will soon be over in a few chapters.  
  
APRIL FOOLS!  
  
Wait... it's not April...  
  
Anyway, onward!  
  
Disclaimer: A little to the left... oh, yeah, that's good... oh, wait, I do not own Harry Potter. Are you happy? Good. Now go read the chapter. I'm in the middle of a massage! Oh yeah... good...  
  
***  
  
By the time April had come, Harry still hadn't gotten the tiara off of Voldemort.  
  
And as a rainy April turned into a bright and cheery May, Harry was getting kind of discouraged.  
  
"Harry, it's just not meant to be!" said Ron, on the way to Defense against the Dark Arts with the rest. "Maybe he has some sort of charm on it, I don't know..."  
  
Harry just grumbled. "Okay, whatever." He said in a low mutter.  
  
Harry entered the Defense against the Dark Arts classroom. Over the past few months, he had wondered WHY Voldemort had come. It was to kill him, he was sure, but, thought Harry as an Avada Kedavra curse just barely missed him, he wondered why he hadn't tried yet.  
  
***  
  
"Curses!" cursed Voldemort as his spell missed. He didn't dare try another one, as one of the boy's dim-witted friends was sure to notice. He adjusted his tiara as the class came in; making sure it was on dead-center of his head. He had put a charm on it, of course, so that no one could tell from any of his body features that he was Voldemort. It was a really good spell, too, as none of his features actually changed.  
  
But somehow, that Potter boy could see through it. Voldemort had a dull feeling that it had to do with the connection between them, but then he dismissed it. He knew it wasn't an appropriate time to think of this, but he loved to dismiss things. He had dismissed the good side, he had dismissed deodorant, and he had dismissed the very logical thought that he had just had. But that wasn't what he should be thinking of right now. What he should be thinking of was the lesson THAT WOULD HAVE HARRY POTTER'S DEATH ACCIDENTALY OCCOUR IN IT!  
  
***  
  
Harry walked in to a smiling Voldemort. That smile made him sick.  
  
"Today," said Voldemort, smiling, "We will work with an extremely dangerous solution, the deaaaaaaaa... er, the death- NO, NOT DEATH, I mean, the deaa... uh, death... no, not death... the, uh... the... the DEATHI solution!"  
  
"But Professor Spring, sir!" piped up Hermione, waving her hand in the air. "Sir, that bottle with the solution in it that you're holding has "DEATH SOLUTION" written in huge, bold, red, glowing letters on it!"  
  
"Er..." said Voldemort, ripping off the label and casting it aside, "No it doesn't!"  
  
"Sir," said Hermione again, "The label you just ripped off of the bottle has those words on it, then!"  
  
"SHUT UP, GIRL, OR I'LL SET ALL OF MY DEATH EATERS ON YOUR TWO PUNY MUGGLE PARENTS OF YOURS!" screamed Voldemort.  
  
The whole class was silent.  
  
"See?" said Harry triumphantly. "He has death eaters! He's Voldemort!"  
  
The whole class shuddered.  
  
"Er... No I'm not!" said Voldemort. "My boy, you are sadly mistaken! I didn't say Death Eaters..."  
  
"YES YOU DID!!!" shouted Harry, appalled at the surprisingly weak attempt to throw off suspicion.  
  
"No... I, er... I said Meth Pleaters."  
  
The whole class let out an "Ohhhhhh..." of understanding.  
  
Harry couldn't believe it. "METH PLEATER!? WHAT THE HECK'S A METH PLEATER!?"  
  
Voldemort smiled again, and Harry felt sick. "That's for me to know, and you to find out!"  
  
Harry nearly smashed his head into his desk in rage. How could his class not realize he was Voldemort!? How!? Why didn't they ask what a Meth Pleater was!? What was a Meth Pleater anyway!? Was it real!? Why hadn't Voldemort tried to kill him!? Why was he asking so many questions without even bothering to think them, and make the author say them!? Why was the author even typing them outside of Harry's thoughts!? Why not put quotes around this whole section!?  
  
Why!?  
  
Why!?  
  
WHYYYYYYYYY!?  
  
"WWWWWWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?" screamed Harry at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Because Venus tells pencils to dance." Responded Ron.  
  
"What!?"  
  
"Sorry." Said Ron. "I was just answering your query about my statement."  
  
"What was your statement?" wondered Harry, but Hermione covered Ron's mouth before he could answer.  
  
"You don't want to know." Said Hermione.  
  
"Anyway..." sneered Voldemort, "The most important things about Death sol... I mean, DEATHI solutions, is that ONLY kids who are 16 years old that have jet black hair, green eyes, a scar that's shaped like a lightning bolt, are kind of on the short side, have knobby knees, and have escaped me... ER, I MEAN the Dark Lord at least three times can drink it without any effect being done to them."  
  
"Hmm..." wondered Harry aloud, "who could that be..."  
  
Voldemort looked at Harry in amazement.  
  
"And their name must be Potter." He added.  
  
"Oh, I know who it is! Wait... no I don't."  
  
"HARRY Potter!"  
  
"Oh, that's me!" said Harry, picking up the solution.  
  
"Yes..." said Voldemort... "Drink, fool, drink, and death shall be instantaneous!"  
  
Harry took a big drink of the entire solution.  
  
"YES!!!" screamed Voldemort, happier than he had ever been. "Oh, YES!"  
  
Nothing happened to Harry.  
  
"What!?" shouted Voldemort. "I THOUGHT YOU DRANK THE DEATHI SOLUTION!!!"  
  
"I did?" asked Harry, surprised. "Oh, no I didn't! You just told me to drink 'the' solution. And, what do you know; the MOST HARMLESS SOLUTION IN THE WORLD was lying on my desk. I guess I took it instead of the other one!"  
  
Voldemort just stared at Harry in amazement, and then at the untouched Deathi solution on Harry's desk, next to another empty solution bottle.  
  
The bell then rang.  
  
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Voldemort. "CCCCCUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRSSSSSSEEEEEEE YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU HHHHHHHHAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY PPPPPPPPOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!"  
  
The whole class stared at him.  
  
"Er..." said Voldemort, embarrassed, "Why haven't you left yet?"  
  
"Because only one second has passed since the bell rang, VOLDEMORT!" shouted Harry.  
  
The whole class shuddered.  
  
***  
  
Heh, nice way to end a chapter, yes? Next chapter: Something happens!  
  
Now review, yo. I don't mind if you review the whole chapter, just do it, yo!  
  
Peace! _ 


	24. Nothing Goes Wrong

Ha! Four more reviews! I just noticed something... I just read chapter five for no apparent reason and I said that I must sound pathetic to those whose stories have over one-hundred reviews... and now mine does... so, I guess I sounded pathetic then... oh, whatever, time for the song!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own this song. That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aero plane, Lenny Bruce is not afraid...  
  
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn, world serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs... something... end of the world... blah... DONE!  
  
Okay, I'm not even sure if those are the right words, but what can you do?  
  
Hey, in this chapter, Harry's team makes the Quidditch Cup! Oh boy, that came out of nowhere.  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.  
  
***  
  
"Great news!" screamed Ginny, rushing into the room.  
  
The Restroom.  
  
"D'OH!" screamed Ginny. She went out, and entered the Bathroom, next to the Restroom.  
  
There were girls in bathing suits taking baths inside, just as there were people resting in the restroom. Ginny located Katie.  
  
"WE'RE IN THE QUIDDITCH CUP!" she screamed to Katie.  
  
"Why are you telling me?" asked Katie White.  
  
"Er, you're not the right Katie!" said Ginny, embarrassed.  
  
"Yer darn tootin', I'm not!" shouted Katie White in a very outlaw-like voice. She stalked away.  
  
Blushing red, she located Katie Bell.  
  
"Katie, WE'VE MADE IT!" screamed Ginny.  
  
"YES!" screamed Katie, hugging Ginny. Katie got on her regular clothes, and ran out with Ginny to locate the rest of the people on the team.  
  
***  
  
"HARRY!" screamed the team. "WE'VE MADE IT!"  
  
"Made what?"  
  
"IT!"  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"THE QUIDDITCH CUP!"  
  
"You MADE the cup? Where is it? Why wasn't I allowed to make it? I'm good with nails and such."  
  
The team just stared at him.  
  
"Harry," explained Colin, "we're IN the cup! We are going to play the game FOR the cup!"  
  
"Ohhhhhhh... YES! But what were the standards?"  
  
"Who knows!? We're in it! And all we know is- NOTHING can go wrong! NOTHING! NOTHING! Nope, NOTHING! It's IMPOSSIBLE! NOTHING, not anything, nil, naught, nothing, NOTHING, NOTHING can go wrong! And I'm not kidding, NOTHING can ever, EVER, go wrong! We can get up, go to our classes, climb to the top of Hogwarts, and throw ourselves off of the dang building, and we'd land in a pile of feathers for all of our luck! Yes, my friends, I truly, honestly, sincerely, frankly, openly, genuinely, really believe, THAT NNNNNNOOOOOOOOTTTTTTHHHHIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG CAN EVER, EVER, EVER GO WRONG!!!  
  
And that's when nothing went wrong.  
  
Besides the fact that Harry's teammates all spontaneously combusted.  
  
"You've got to be kidding me." Was all Harry could say after that display.  
  
"We are!" said all of Harry's teammates, jumping out from various hiding positions inside the dorm room.  
  
"What!?" wondered Harry, looking around at the live friends around him.  
  
"Harry, those were just dummies that you just saw!" said Ginny, giggling.  
  
"Er, no they weren't, or if they were, I would be scared, as they moved EXACTLY like real people, talked like them, breathed like them, did everything like them!" said Harry.  
  
"Harry, Harry, Harry..." said Seamus, sighing, "When will you learn not to ask questions?"  
  
"Never. Why are you asking?" asked Harry.  
  
***  
  
Harry woke up on the morning of the Quidditch Cup. He was ready! And, like Colin had said, nothing could go wrong!  
  
"HARRY!" screamed Neville in a surprisingly scared and not evil voice, "ALL OF THE TEAM BESIDES YOU HAS SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED! FOR REAL!"  
  
***  
  
"AAAHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed, waking up from out of his dream.  
  
"Phew! A dream!" Harry got up. He walked downstairs, just in time to see his entire team perform just about the stupidest display to date.  
  
Colin was snapping pictures, not looking where he was going, when he bumped into a shelf. Hogwarts, a History fell off of it, struck him on the head, and knocked him out cold.  
  
Ginny and Katie were just pacing the common room, but when they met, they knocked their heads against each other. They were out cold.  
  
Dean, who had brought a soccer ball downstairs, was trying to get it past Seamus. He kicked a line drive right at Seamus' head, and it struck it, knocking out Seamus. The ball then ricocheted off of his head, and then struck Dean in his own head, knocking HIM out.  
  
Ron just plain tripped on the rug and knocked himself out cold.  
  
"MY GOSH..." said Harry, bewildered, "THE MATCH IS IN A HALF-HOUR! MY TEAM IS IN NO CONDITION TO PLAY!!! WHERE WILL I FIND A TEAM!?"  
  
Neville tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"Well... you can always go to... PLAN B... MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."  
  
Harry gasped.  
  
"Oh no... not PLAN B... NOT PLAN B!!!"  
  
***  
  
Ha, thought there was going to be Quidditch in the chapter, yes? Well, it's in the NEXT chapter! And Plan B is revealed there, too! So stay tuned! And until then, review!  
  
~!@#$%^&*()_+ 


	25. Reserve Team

I got a review from one of the five Seamus lovers.  
  
!?!  
  
Yeah, whatever.  
  
Anyway, the review count is... 31 until 200! Yeah, still far off... but last time I said that, I got, like, 10 more reviews than I needed to get to 100, so maybe that'll work this time.  
  
Or not...  
  
Or maybe it will!  
  
Or maybe it won't...  
  
Or maybe I'll stop babbling and start the story!  
  
Or not...  
  
Ha, I'm so evil.  
  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**!  
  
*(Remember that star thingy, or asterisk? It means a note! And two means that there's ANOTHER note! Not that I'm saying you'll need this knowledge anytime soon, now.)  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own you, me, or Harry Potter!  
  
***  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAND... GET READY... FOR THE HOGWARTS QUIDDITCH CUP!!! THIS IS YOUR COMMENTATOR, TERRY BOOT, (because Tyrone is mysteriously absent,) AND I AN READY! ARE YOU READY, QUIDDITCH FANS!?"  
  
"NO!" replied the Fans. "WE ARE NOT QUITE READY YET! CAN WE HAVE AROUND TWO MINUTES!?"  
  
"OKAY!" shouted Terry. "TWO MINUTES!"  
  
***  
  
Two minutes later, the Ravenclaw team streaked out onto the field.  
  
"AND HERE COMES THE AMAZING RAVENCLAW TEAM, WHO GAINED ADMISSION TO THE CUP WITH THEIR SPECTACULAR PERFORMANCE ON FRIDAY..."  
  
"BOOT!" screeched McGonagall. "I gave you this position under the impression that you were unbiased-"  
  
"FOLLOWED BY THE EQUALLY SPECTACULAR GRYFFINDOR TEAM- WHO SCORED A RECORD-HIGH 9,000+ POINTS THE OTHER DAY!"  
  
"That's better!"  
  
"AND THE RAVENCLAWS COME OUT! FOLLOWED BY THE GRYFFINDORS, CONSISTING OF POTTER... AND- OH NO... PLEASE... HA... PLEASE NO... HAHAHA...  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA... HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..." this, again, went on for some time.  
  
"Oh, GREAT!" said McGonagall. "Now we don't have a commentator! WHO CAN COMMENTATE!?"  
  
"Professor, I think I can!" said a cold, drawling voice.  
  
McGonagall turned around.  
  
"Oh no... not YOU..."  
  
Malfoy sneered. "Is there anyone else?" he asked, while quickly bounding and gagging all of the potential commentators.  
  
"I... guess not." Said McGonagall. "Malfoy..."  
  
"Yes?" asked Malfoy.  
  
"Here." McGonagall handed him the microphone.  
  
"AND YOUR NEW COMMENTATOR, DRACO MALFOY, IS HERE!" shouted Malfoy.  
  
"AND IT SEEMS... Good Lord... IS THAT THE GRYFFINDOR TEAM!?"  
  
"Don't rub it in." thought Harry. He had been forced to use plan B: Reserves. But Gryffindor had no reserves, so they had to go to people who weren't on the Quidditch team.  
  
At seeker, of course, was Harry.  
  
At the chaser positions- Pavarti, Lavender, and... Hermione.  
  
And the beaters were... a second-year, Raymond, and... Tyrone!  
  
And last, the keeper was... Neville.  
  
Malfoy, of course, rubbed it in hard.  
  
"Good! Now those mosquitoes won't bother me!" said Malfoy, casting aside the bottle of Repellent that he had just rubbed into his skin. "Now to tease Gryffindor about their team!"  
  
***  
  
"AND THEY'RE OFF! Potter, of course, with his horrible technique, just missed the snitch fly past him... nice one, Potter..."  
  
Harry scowled at Malfoy. He knew he hadn't missed the snitch, and that Malfoy was just toying with him...  
  
"Harry!" shrieked Hermione. "I think that you just missed the snitch!"  
  
Harry just glared at Hermione.  
  
"And Ravenclaw takes the Quaffle, streaks ahead of the Gryffindors, nearing their goal- where's the keeper!? Oh, Longbottom's nowhere near his goals- where is he? Oh- HAHAHA! He's at THE OTHER TEAM'S GOALS!"  
  
"Get to your goals!" shouted Harry at Neville, gesturing wildly with his hands.  
  
"Huh?" said Neville, confused. But the Quaffle had already gone through the hoop, and Ravenclaw got ten points on the board.  
  
"Ravenclaw scores, not surprisingly..." said Malfoy with a slight sneer. "And... it seems that since the Gryffindor keeper or chasers are nowhere near their correct positions... so, yes, the Ravenclaw chasers come in, take the Quaffle, and score AGAIN! Just pathetic, if you ask me..."  
  
"Malfoy..." said McGonagall with pursed lips, "Could you please try to comment in an unbiased way?"  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHA-!"  
  
"OKAY, OKAY!!! Just... er, carry on!"  
  
"Thank you, professor!"  
  
"Yes, yes."  
  
"ANYWAY," said Malfoy, returning to the game, "In the shock of the century, Gryffindor takes the Quaffle..."  
  
Harry abandoned his search for the snitch to watch the play unfold. Lavender took the Quaffle out from behind the goalposts... threw it to Pavarti... not a very bad throw, not bad, actually... but it bounced of Pavarti's head... it ricocheted towards Neville, by the far left post... Neville lurched out to catch it... and he missed... the Quaffle rolled off of his back into the goal...  
  
"D'OH!" screamed Harry, just realizing that Lavender had scored an "Own Goal."  
  
"HA! AND IN THE VERY WORST PLAY PROBABLY IN HISTORY, LAVENDER SCORES AN 'OWN GOAL!' That's just rich!"  
  
"Darn!" said Harry as Lavender, blushing, took the Quaffle out again. This time, she made sure that Pavarti got the Quaffle. Pavarti threw it to Hermione, and Hermione flew down the field, dodging a chaser.  
  
"Nice one!" shouted Harry.  
  
And then Hermione dropped the Quaffle out of nowhere.  
  
Unable to watch any more of this, Harry decided to search for the snitch. He flew over the whole field, his eyes darting around, searching.  
  
The Ravenclaw seeker was also doing the same, and Harry thought that he saw him dive-  
  
Harry dived too, wondering if the snitch was even there-  
  
And that's when the Bludger hit him directly in the stomach.  
  
"OOF!" grunted Harry.  
  
"Sorry!" shouted Tyrone.  
  
"That's okay..." grumbled Harry.  
  
"I was aiming for your head!"  
  
"WHAAT!?" screamed Harry.  
  
"What? I'm not supposed to hit Bludgers to my teammates?"  
  
"NO, AWAY FROM THEM!" screamed Harry.  
  
"Sorry..." said Tyrone, embarrassed.  
  
"Whatever." Said Harry. He looked at the Ravenclaw seeker- he was looking at Harry, staying still in midair. Obviously, he had been feinting.  
  
"Curses!" cursed Harry, heading off in another direction.  
  
And that's when the Bludger hit him directly in the stomach.  
  
"Sorry!" shouted Raymond.  
  
***  
  
"And... with Gryffindor down, what is it? 60-0, with absolutely NONE of those goals earned, we all know who the cup's going to!"  
  
This was met with boos from the crowd.  
  
"Yes..." said Malfoy with a sneer. "And... oh no, what's this... Lavender with the Quaffle, speeding down the pitch, passes to Hermione- what- why didn't they lose the Quaffle yet!?"  
  
Harry turned at this. It was true, Hermione was streaking down the pitch- no one seemed to be able to stop her- in fact; no one seemed to want to stop her-  
  
And then Harry realized what was going on.  
  
"Hermione... NOOOO!" screamed Harry, but Hermione had already heaved the Quaffle- towards her own goal!  
  
"OWN GOAL, AGAIN!" screamed Malfoy. "AND RAVENCLAW GOES UP 70-NIL!"  
  
"TIMEOUT!" screamed Harry. Harry got his team together.  
  
"Sorry, Harry," said Hermione, blushing scarlet, "but we're doing our best!"  
  
"Yeah!" agreed the rest of the team.  
  
"I know... but it's not enough. So..." Harry reached into his pocket. "Plan C!"  
  
Harry brought a bottle of pills out of his pocket.  
  
"Oh no..." said Neville, worried, "Is that..."  
  
"Aspirin? Yes." Harry took one of the aspirin, and then reached into his other pocket.  
  
"Plan D!"  
  
He brought out another bottle of pills.  
  
"Oh, those are just magical enhancers."  
  
"Yes!" said Harry, handing a pill to everyone in turn. "Eat these! And, for the next hour, you will be the best Quidditch players ever!"  
  
"Whoa!" said everyone at once. Even Harry, for some strange reason.  
  
"But Harry... the penalties..." said Hermione.  
  
"Just shut up and take your pills!" responded Harry.  
  
Hermione was obliged to do just so.  
  
***  
  
"And the Gryffindors take out the Quaffle, and- what's this!? Lavender with a blazing pass to Pavarti- to Hermione, back to Pavarti- back to Herm- to Lave- to P- whoa, HERMIONE SCORES!?"  
  
The whole crowd stayed still, not daring to make a sound for a whole second, and then erupted into cheers.  
  
"After that fluke, the Ravenclaws take it- OW, a Bludger sent to chaser- whaa!? Hermione AGAIN, BEHIND THE BACK pass to Pavarti, PAVARTI SCORES!?"  
  
The crowd cheered again.  
  
***  
  
Harry, now extremely proud, began his search for the snitch again, amid huge cheers from another goal just scored. Since he was all advanced, it didn't take long at all. Finding it hiding behind a goal post, he dived.  
  
Chasing it down with ease, he smiled, knowing the game was won.  
  
Harry reached out his hand, gave a "V" sign for victory, and caught  
the snitch!  
  
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Malfoy, as the crowd roared. Harry pulled out of his dive, his hand up in the air. They had did it- they had won- he was happier than he had ever been-  
  
"STOP!" screeched Malfoy, who had mounted his broom, and was flying out onto the field.  
  
"Where'd you get your broom?" asked Harry, but Malfoy wasn't listening.  
  
"Madam Hooch, Potter and his team were CHEATING!!!"  
  
The whole crowd gasped.  
  
"How so?" asked Hooch, startled.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN!? HE'S ABOUT FIVE INCHES TALLER, AND HAS BUFF BEYOND BELIEF!"  
  
"Oops..." said Harry sheepishly, looking at his equally buff teammates. "I kinda forgot that side-effect of the pills..."  
  
His team looked at him in disbelief.  
  
"WELL THEN..." screeched Madam Hooch, "RAVENCLAW WINS!!!"  
  
Harry felt his heart fall as the crowd cheered, the Ravenclaw team was hugging each other, the world must surely be over, for him to feel this bad-  
  
Wait a second...  
  
"MADAM HOOCH! THE RAVENCLAWS WERE CHEATING!"  
  
Madam Hooch turned around, startled again, as the whole crowd gasped again.  
  
"Look at them!"  
  
Madam Hooch stared at the Ravenclaw seeker.  
  
"He does look familiar..."  
  
"Maybe... BECAUSE HE'S FAMOUS PROFESSIONAL SEEKER TUSK BENNINGS!?!"  
  
"That's his name? OH, I see!"  
  
"YES! RAVENCLAW REPLACED THEIR WHOLE TEAM WITH PROFESSIONAL QUIDDITCH PLAYERS!"  
  
"What!?" Madam Hooch looked closely at each and every player. They WERE professional players! Funny how no one noticed this before...  
  
"FINE, THEN! SINCE BOTH TEAMS CHEATED... NO ONE WINS!" Madam Hooch seized the Quidditch cup, and then moon-walked off of the pitch.  
  
Both teams looked at each other uncertainly.  
  
"Wow." They all said.  
  
***  
  
Well, a kind of disappointing ending, but funny nonetheless. I guess. But who am I to talk!? You review! It keeps me alive!  
  
** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! 


	26. Voldemort Gets UnTiara'd!

Yes, the weekend is here!  
  
As I'm typing these words right now, this chapter SHOULD HAVE been posted about two hours ago, but there was some sort of "server error" on Fanfiction. Net.  
  
Or on my computer, I don't know.  
  
But, apparently, it's over, and I can post chapters! And we all know how you love that, right?  
  
Good.  
  
Da' roof... Da' roof... Da' roof is on... fire...  
  
Da' disclaimer... Da' disclaimer... Da' disclaimer is on... fire...  
  
Disclaimer: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I'M ON FIRE!!! I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER! AAAAHHHHHH!!!  
  
***  
  
"Potter, Weasley, will you PLEASE PAY ATTENTION!?"  
  
Harry and Ron both dropped some money into Attention's cup, and then went on not listening to Professor McGonagall.  
  
"WILL YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!?!"  
  
Harry and Ron paid attention. He was very happy now.  
  
"POTTER!!! WEASLEY!!!"  
  
They listened to McGonagall.  
  
"Anyway, the final exams are almost upon us. And don't forget, in one year, the N.E.W.T. tests will also be upon us. You must remember to STUDY an extra hour AT LEAST each night!"  
  
"But Professor, sir?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Yes?" answered McGonagall, flattered.  
  
"That would be impossible for me! There just aren't enough hours in the day!"  
  
"Hermione..." said McGonagall, "You are probably going to get 5,000% on your test. You've done better and better each year. You don't need to study."  
  
"Oh!" said Hermione, just realizing this.  
  
"Anyway... class dismissed!"  
  
"But the bell didn't ring!" said Seamus as the bell rang.  
  
***  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione were all walking down an empty corridor.  
  
"Why is this corridor empty?" wondered Ron.  
  
Hermione gave Ron a look that would melt lead.  
  
"OH... I don't get it."  
  
Hermione sighed.  
  
"Man, you are SO lucky, Hermione, that you don't have to study!" said Ron.  
  
"Ron, you know that she's just kidding! I have to still study!"  
  
"Not with that walkman, you don't."  
  
"What? What about it?" asked Hermione, holding up the walkman she had in her pocket.  
  
"Hermione, I saw the CD you had in it the other night! IT IS A READING OF ALL OF OUR SCHOOL TEXTBOOKS!"  
  
"Oh, yeah..." said Hermione embarrassedly.  
  
"Wait a minute..." said Harry. "If we're in Hogwarts, how could that walkman work? Electronic stuff doesn't work around Hogwarts!"  
  
At that second, Hermione's walkman stopped working.  
  
"Nice job, Harry!" said Hermione, annoyed.  
  
"Thank yo- hey, who's that?"  
  
All three turned their attention to a shadowy figure at the end of the corridor. Harry noticed the Lilac robes-  
  
It was Voldemort, of course. Harry's eyes flicked up to Voldemort's head for a glimpse of the familiar Tiara- but then his heart stood still.  
  
It wasn't there.  
  
"GUYS... LOOK!" Harry screamed.  
  
Hermione and Ron glanced up at Voldemort's profile. Then their hearts stood still, too.  
  
"Oh... no..." said Hermione, her eyes wide in horror.  
  
"Quick..." said Ron, "I'll get Dumbledore..."  
  
Ron ran off.  
  
"HEY, VOLDEMORT!" shouted Harry.  
  
The tiara-less Voldemort turned around, and his eyes widened. "You! AND YOU!! You shan't live to tell anyone of what you've seen!"  
  
"Yeah, right, Voldemort!" said Harry, drawing his wand.  
  
***  
  
A few corridors away, Ron shuddered. Although he didn't know why.  
  
***  
  
"Harry..." said Hermione slowly, her voice quivering in fear, "You... aren't thinking of fighting him, are you?"  
  
"I've got to, Hermione." Said Harry, feeling braver- or more foolish- than he ever thought he could. In fact- he wasn't truly DEATHLY afraid of Voldemort! He thought it had to do with the fact that he had been being taught by Voldemort for months, but he shrugged the thought off. He turned to Hermione, and took a deep breath. "If I don't survive, I will tell you my deepest, darkest secret!"  
  
"That made no sense."  
  
"I know. Now TAKE COVER!"  
  
Voldemort grinned. In actuality, this is what he really wanted- a one-on-one duel with Harry Potter. He didn't want to kill him instantly with a barrage of Avada Kedavra spells- oh, no! He was too villainous to do something that smart.  
  
Harry stared down Voldemort. Hermione hesitated for a moment, and then gave him a slight kiss.  
  
"WOW, THANKS!" shouted Attention, who, on top of having people pay him, had now received a kiss from Hermione. He ran off, yelling and whooping.  
  
Harry looked at him in disgust, and then turned to Voldemort. He knew that his only chance was to disarm him- any other jinxes would most probably work for about a second or two.  
  
"Potter... I've waited for this moment ever since I've came to Hogwarts... the moment... WHEN I CAN KILL YOU, AND HAVE FUN DOING IT!!!"  
  
He raised his wand, and with a thundering voice, shouted "CRUCIO!"  
  
As the jet of red light sped towards Harry, faster than he ever thought possible, he had that familiar feeling again. What was it? Oh yeah, déjà vu.  
  
***  
  
Ooh, cliffhanger. Don't you love those?  
  
Review and stay tuned! 24 more reviews until 200! 


	27. Dumbledore Saves Harry's Butt!

After about an hour with my other story, back to the main one!  
  
Yay! I have about 188 reviews now, so 12 until 200!  
  
Come on, I know ONE of you who reads this and enjoys is hasn't reviewed yet. So review. Do it anonymously if you must. And review at least 12 chapters. Even if you write one word. Just do it. Please?  
  
Okay, then ONE chapter.  
  
Please?  
  
This story is nearing its end, and I want 200 reviews! Please? (That makes about 1,567 times I've asked you to review)  
  
Now, enough groveling, groveling, cringing, bowing, stooping, and falling!  
  
Time for the story!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own him!  
  
***  
  
Harry's heart was beating at an average of 250 BPM right about now. The crucio spell was nearly right next to him, and he could do nothing to avoid it.  
  
Besides rolling to the side, that is.  
  
Throwing his entire body to the side as hard as he could, Harry Potter just barely avoided the spell. Forcing himself up, he squared off even to Voldemort again, breathing hard, his heart rate slowing.  
  
"Potter..." sneered Voldemort, "I am about to make your life a LIVING HE-"  
  
"You can't say that!" shouted out Harry. "That's really close to profanity!"  
  
"I CAN SAY PROFANITY ALL I WANT!" roared Voldemort. "AND I WILL!"  
  
Harry closed his eyes, ready for the wave of profanity that would surely bring the fic's rating up to an "R"...  
  
"PROFANITY! PROFANITY! PROFANITY! PROFANITY! PROFANITY! PROFANITY! PROFANITY! PROFANITY! PROFANITY!"  
  
Harry stared at Voldemort in disbelief.  
  
"Anyway..." said Voldemort, "With this spell, I shall bring you eternal suffering! Get ready..."  
  
Harry, again being an idiot, closed his eyes, not raising a wand in defense.  
  
"TEAMUS ROSIE TEAMUS BLASTIUS!" screamed Voldemort. [Ever play Sonic Heroes? Then you'll fully understand this.]  
  
Harry unscrewed his eyes, wondering what that spell could mean. And then the worst possible thing happened.  
  
FLOWERS exploded out from Voldemort's wand. That's right, FLOWERS.  
  
Harry stared at Voldemort in disbelief as the flowers brushed against him harmlessly. And no, they didn't release some poisonous gas. They just crumpled onto the ground harmlessly.  
  
Harry, his wand askew in his hand, couldn't even have begun to explain his bewilderment, even if he wanted to. FLOWERS!?  
  
Voldemort gasped. "T-the flowers t-touched you... AND YOU DIDN'T SCREAM IN PAIN!? Curse these bloody flowers; I'm going straight for the win!"  
  
Harry, now regaining his senses, shouted "EXPELLIARMUS!" before Voldemort could raise his wand.  
  
And he effectively knocked himself backwards. His wand flew out of his hand, way beyond his reach.  
  
"CURSES!" screamed Harry. "MY ACCURSED WAND WAS BACKWARDS!"  
  
"You idiot." Said Hermione, shaking her head, despite the incredible danger she was in.  
  
Voldemort picked up Harry's wand, and cast it aside. "HA! POTTER, I SHALL KILL YOU! RIGHT NOW! AND NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU!"  
  
"No!" screamed Hermione.  
  
"Shut up! Stupefy!"  
  
The stunner hit Hermione straight in the chest.  
  
She was knocked out instantly.  
  
"Great, there goes my LAST CHANCE!" shouted Harry in frustration.  
  
"Yes... time to die..." said Voldemort, not killing Harry. "Now... after about one whole minute of talking, I shall kill you! Blah blah, blah blah blah blah... I shall kill you now... blah blah... Now... Blah..."  
  
"Er, Voldemort?" said Harry, barely daring to ask the Dark Lord a question.  
  
"Yes?" answered Voldemort sweetly.  
  
"Why are you saying the word 'blah'?"  
  
"BLAH!"  
  
"You don't have to take it personally."  
  
"Anyway, I've wasted a WHOLE MINUTE talking!"  
  
"Actually, more like fifteen sec-"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"SHUT... UP!"  
  
"But I-"  
  
"SHADDAP!"  
  
"Well-"  
  
"Shut your bottom lip up!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"But? Rhymes with up! Shut up!"  
  
"You-"  
  
"U? Is the first letter in up! SHUT UP!"  
  
"I"  
  
"You should go to www.shutup.com!"  
  
"I actually tried, but-"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"Yes."  
  
After this meaningless banter, Ron came in with Dumbledore at his heels.  
  
"CURSES!" screamed Voldemort. "I've wasted too much time talking! And I've lost my chance to kill Harry Potter! I'm done for! CURSES! I was such an idiot!"  
  
Harry shook his head in disbelief.  
  
Dumbledore smiled. "So, Tom, we meet again." He drew his wand. "I am such an underwear obsessed idiot that I won't kill you, instead I must resort to the excuse that 'there are worse fates than death'. Not if you're evil, that is! But who cares, I'll just duel with you fruitlessly until, by some miracle, something happens that doesn't involve death! This won't happen, of course. So I guess I'll just have to defeat you, not kill you. Which is kind of the same thing. Actually, it's not, but I steal laundry. Why would I care?"  
  
"Uh, I didn't understand that." Responded Voldemort. "But I doubt that it has my death involved."  
  
"Yes." Said Dumbledore. "Now, Harry, Ron, Hermione, GET AWAY!"  
  
Of course, they didn't listen, but Dumbledore seemed not to notice.  
  
"This is the end, Riddle!" shouted Dumbledore, squaring off against Voldemort, that intense power seeming to radiate from his every ancient wrinkle.  
  
"You know, I really should have shot a killing spell at you while your guard was down, but that would be unsportsman- AVADA KEDAVRA!" responded Voldemort.  
  
Dumbledore deflected it with his wand somehow, his guard well up.  
  
As Harry, Ron and Hermione, who had... er, woken up, all drew in a sharp breath, one thought raced through Harry's mind.  
  
"How come no one else has come down this corridor?"  
  
***  
  
Well, this is sort of the climax, I er... think. Anyway, next LOOONG chapter, the battle with Voldemort! And what way does Dumbledore have in mind to defeat Voldemort?  
  
Dude, I'm not kidding. The next chapter will probably take me a few days to write. Sorry.  
  
Anyway, after the next chapter, and then one or two others, THIS STORY WILL FINALLY BE OVER!  
  
But don't worry, I may write a sequel if you want.  
  
And the only way to tell me?  
  
REVIEW! 


	28. The Last Battle?

Here we go again.  
  
HOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLY...  
  
HOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLYHOLY...  
  
HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY...  
  
Dang, I forgot what I was going to say again.  
  
BUT WHO CARES, AGAIN!? NOT ME!!! FOR I HAVE 217 REVIEWS!!! THAT'S OVER 200, FOLKS! AND I CAN ACTUALLY READ THEM NOW!!! WHOOOOO HHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! PARTY TIME!  
  
Five hours later...  
  
*~*~*  
  
Huh? What's that? Sorry, I fell asleep. Oh yeah, PARTY TIME!  
  
Five seconds later...  
  
*~*~*  
  
What a short party.  
  
Anyway, for all of you who thought my story wouldn't make it, which amounts to about -17 people, here are 12 words for you.  
  
WHAT NOW!? OH, YEAH!  
  
Why am I talking to negative 17 people?  
  
*~*~* (Isn't this a cool symbol-thingy?)  
  
Anyway, SORRYSORRYSORRY for taking so long updating. Writing a 3,000+ word chapter does cause this.  
  
Anyway, you've waited for it, so now I'm going to give you the second-to- last chapter!  
  
In this chapter... some stuff happens!  
  
And it hurts! To taunt the ice cream man, that is. I should know.  
  
Disclaimer: What you will hear next is a lie.  
  
I own the character of Harry Potter.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Voldemort examined Dumbledore, took in every detail of his body, from top to bottom. Hatred shone from the old man's every wrinkle. Hatred for the picture of a badly-painted house next to him, that is.  
  
"I hate this picture..." seethed Dumbledore at the picture of a badly-painted house. "Huh? Oh, sorry, we're supposed to battle, right?"  
  
"Yes..." said Voldemort with distinct annoyance.  
  
"Okay!" Dumbledore turned, and crouched down a bit. Harry was surprised that Dumbledore could even crouch. He raised his wand-  
  
Voldemort raised his-  
  
Dumbledore raised his higher-  
  
Voldemort raised his even higher-  
  
Dumbledore raised his higher again-  
  
Voldemort raised HIS higher again-  
  
Dumbledore, HIGHER!  
  
Voldemort, HIIIGHER!  
  
Dumbledore, higher STILL!  
  
Voldemort, even HIGHER STILL!!!  
  
"Why... are... we... doing... this... Tom?" grunted Dumbledore, with obvious effort, as he was as high as he could get, with his arms stretched out towards the ceiling."  
  
"Because..." responded Voldemort, "I... don't... know..."  
  
"YOU IDIOTS!" Harry blurted out. He covered his mouth instantly, but the damage had been done.  
  
Hermione had jumped, surprised at the comment, into Ron, who then fell into the first of a number of stands that were poorly arranged (AND SHAPED!) like dominoes. They all fell down, one after the other, and when they fell down, they all cracked and split. Each one was worth (and NOT insured for) 70 Galleons.  
  
Or 2030 sickles, whichever sounds less depressing.  
  
Oh, yeah, and Dumbledore and Voldemort had (very mysteriously, of course) gone temporarily deaf at the moment. So they didn't hear a word Harry said.  
  
"Can you hear me now?" asked Voldemort.  
  
"Yes." Said Dumbledore.  
  
"Bad."  
  
"Why?" wondered Dumbledore.  
  
"Because of AVADA KEDAVRA!" screamed Voldemort, violently thrusting his wand at Dumbledore.  
  
"Oh, that's why." Said Dumbledore, calmly dodging the spell.  
  
"How do you do that!?" grunted Voldemort in frustration.  
  
"Ha!" said Dumbledore quickly, flicking his wand out.  
  
Very quickly, of course, a mini-whirlwind formed from Dumbledore's wand, and spun towards Voldemort. Voldemort's eyes shone with fear, for one brief second, and then he quickly spun around in a complete circle, his cloak whipping around, and deflecting the whirlwind, somehow.  
  
As the whirlwind reversed back at Dumbledore, he made it stop with a flick of his wand, and threw another spell at Voldemort.  
  
But Harry didn't catch the meaning of this spell, for it bounced off of Voldemort's cloak.  
  
"Heh. You insolent fool!" laughed Voldemort, still clutching his cloak tight onto his body. "You tried to distract me with the whirlwind, so you could cast a spell at AVADA KEDAVRA!"  
  
Dumbledore scowled as he avoided this spell by using his expertly concealed web-shooters to shoot a web at the ceiling and zip away, just like Spider-Man.  
  
[Wait, I don't have rights to him, either! So, I'll just avoid all of the law suits (they cost $300, they do!) by changing his name. Okay, the new paragraph that replaces this one reads:]  
  
Dumbledore scowled as he avoided this spell by using his expertly concealed web-shooters to shoot a web at the ceiling and zip away, just like Spider-Ma.  
  
He shook his head while upside-down on the ceiling. Tom just couldn't play it fair and cast killing curses in a predictable pattern. And then he fell off of the ceiling. Dumbledore's not Spider-Ma, you know.  
  
"What was that spell, the one that bounced off of Voldemort's cloak?" whispered Hermione to Harry.  
  
"I don't know!" responded Harry.  
  
"I'm surprised, Albus!" laughed Voldemort, striding over to the now down Dumbledore. "You know that I would have protected by ONLY weakness better! I wouldn't make my cloak penetrable! In fact- IT'S IMPENETRABLE!"  
  
"Then why do you have a seam right on the front that, if cut, will reduce your cloak to mere pieces of cloth in an instant?"  
  
"Be...cause..." Voldemort's face then grew scarlet, which must have been hard, as he had no color in it in the first place.  
  
"SHUT UP, YOU!" shouted Voldemort. And then his anger turned to wonder. "How do YOU know that that's what my seam leads to?"  
  
"I... must admit..." said Dumbledore, now getting up, and looking very sheepish, "That I had been doing a great deal of examining of your cloak when I thought you were Spring... how could I not have memorized every seam..."  
  
Voldemort looked at Dumbledore in horror.  
  
"Oh? Er, that didn't come out the way I hoped it would, now?" said Dumbledore, responding to the look on Voldemort's face. "Anyway, DIFFINDO!"  
  
Voldemort immediately dodged the spell matrix-style.  
  
Yes, matrix-style.  
  
The same way Harry dodged Malfoy's attack in the first Quidditch match.  
  
He's LORD VOLDEMORT, get over it.  
  
Dumbledore ALMOST cursed briefly, and then flat-out charged at Voldemort.  
  
Voldemort used magic to propel himself over Dumbledore, and when landed behind him, he spun around, and muttered, "LASERIUM!"  
  
Immediately, a golden lasso, made out of pure light, shot out from his wand, snaking towards Dumbledore's legs almost too fast for Harry to see. Dumbledore, being Dumbledore, had a counter-curse for it. He conjured a hot dog up from nowhere, and threw it into the path of the lasso. They both vanished with a crack.  
  
"Wait..." said Harry, interrupting the action, "A HOT DOG!? WHAT THE HECK!?"  
  
"Yes, a hot-dog." Said Dumbledore sheepishly. "Well, it worked! You see, lassos are from the west, and a hot dog is from the east... I think... maybe it's the north... oh, who cares. Opposites? They counter each other? Well... it worked..."  
  
Harry and Voldemort just stared at Dumbledore, Harry just realizing how STUPID magic could be.  
  
Taking this moment of pause to his advantage, Dumbledore aimed his wand at the seam in Voldemort's cloak, and shouted-  
  
"DIFFINDO!"  
  
And then something happened that Harry had been hoping he never would have to see.  
  
Voldemort's cloak fell off, and he wasn't wearing anything under it...  
  
Besides a pair of brown boxers, that is.  
  
A pair of shredded up brown boxers.  
  
With the elastic waistband part shredded up, that is.  
  
And his chest was even harrier, and, surprisingly, more wrinkled than Dumbledore's. Even his stomach had its share of hair.  
  
One share = A WHOLE LOT.  
  
"AAH!" screamed Voldemort, bending down to cover his boxers. "MY WEAK SPOT!"  
  
"Didn't need to know that." Said Ron, covering his eyes. Hermione looked strangely... satisfied... for some reason...  
  
Harry slapped her.  
  
Hermione shook her head, came to her senses, and then looked at Voldemort in horror.  
  
"Yes..." breathed Dumbledore... "I've always known that your one true weakness is your dirty pair of boxers... it's what supplied you with your incredible power, isn't it? And that's why you haven't changed then for all of these years!"  
  
"How... do... you... KNOW!?" screamed Voldemort in frustration.  
  
"Tom, Tom, Tom. You should know that I watched you closer than you could have imagined during your term. In fact, the only student I EVER watched closed than you is Harry Potter."  
  
Harry did not feel safe at that statement at all. He felt rather sick.  
  
"I saw when you came across these boxers. I even remember the white color... how I wanted to stroke them..."  
  
"Wait-" said Hermione suddenly, "Aren't his boxers brown, now?"  
  
"Yes." Said Dumbledore simply.  
  
"EEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!" squealed Hermione.  
  
"Anyway," continued Dumbledore, "I knew that once you tried them on, you received the potential for your extreme power you have now. Yes, you had to go through these extreme transformations, but your pair of boxers is the only thing that kept you alive through all of them."  
  
"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT A MINUTE!" screamed Harry. "ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THE CORE POWER OF VOLDEMORT IS IN HIS BOXERS!?!?"  
  
"Why, yes, Harry, how very perceptive of you!"  
  
"THIS IS CRAZY! CRRRRRAAAAZZZZZYYYYY!!!"  
  
"Why yes, Harry, how very perceptive of you!"  
  
Harry just shook his head in amazement.  
  
"Now..." said Dumbledore, "Time for my greatest laundry snatch of all..."  
  
Voldemort's eyes widened.  
  
"Not if I can help it!" he shouted.  
  
Dumbledore smiled. "ACCIO LAUNDRY!" he shouted.  
  
Voldemort used his wand to deflect the spell, (these guys are really good at that!) and then shouted "Protego!"  
  
Dumbledore frowned.  
  
"Ha! A weak spell such as the summoning one will NEVER get through my shield!" laughed Voldemort.  
  
"But a strong one such as the shield-breaker WILL!" said Dumbledore triumphantly.  
  
Voldemort nearly, almost, virtually, practically, just about, but not quite cried.  
  
"PENETRAGO!" bellowed Dumbledore.  
  
Voldemort's shield broke with a very loud snapping sound that somehow DIDN'T alert anyone, anyone at all, to come to the corridor that the two most powerful wizards in the world were battling in.  
  
Voldemort, actually scared now, threw hasty killing curses at Dumbledore. However, they seemed to be curving away at the last minute. Harry thought it had to do with the fact that Dumbledore was concentrating harder than imaginable and had his wand out, flicking it whenever a curse came, but he brushed that thought off.  
  
"Tom, it's OVER!" shouted Dumbledore. "And you know it! Very soon, you'll be in Azkaban, awaiting a trial which you can never win, and I'll have your boxers under my pillow to comfort me at night!"  
  
"NEVER!" shrieked Voldemort, throwing out curses twice as fast.  
  
Dumbledore, now overwhelmed, spun around in a dramatic fashion, and then- his clothes spun by themselves, and then fell to the ground, Dumbledore nowhere in sight!  
  
For a horrible moment, Harry thought Dumbledore was naked, but then he reappeared behind Voldemort, wearing his regular clothes again.  
  
Harry looked from the clothes STILL on the ground, to the clothes Dumbledore was wearing, which were the exact same, and then shook his head. He didn't want an explanation.  
  
"Harry," said Dumbledore, giving Harry an explanation, "The ice cream man does not like to be taunted. He is actually very... well... confused, having to deal with those accursed fumes in the truck..."  
  
"What fumes?" started Harry, but then he regained his senses. "Wait- WHAT ARE YOU EXPLAINING?"  
  
"You didn't want to know how to get the ice cream man on your side?"  
  
"NO! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT, I WANTED TO KNOW HOW YOU ESCAPED WITH YOUR CLOTHES IF THEY ARE STILL ON THE GROUND... WAIT, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT-"  
  
"Oh!" said Dumbledore. "Well, Harry, I am in a very fierce battle, and I cannot answer such trivial questions, though I would love to. I'll answer them after this is over."  
  
Harry just stared at Dumbledore in amazement.  
  
"And... you could answer ice cream questions?"  
  
"Yes." Said Dumbledore with a smug grin on his face.  
  
Harry just shook his head again, and sat down.  
  
"DIE!" shouted Voldemort, suddenly coming to life.  
  
"For someone who can't even finish his own sentences before he attacks," said Dumbledore, dodging a new curse just thrown by Voldemort, "You sure do a good job of letting others finish theirs!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" screamed Voldemort.  
  
Dumbledore stopped, and his eyes widened- in fear. Harry, Ron, nor Hermione knew why he had become so worried all of a sudden-  
  
And then, that's when ALL OF VOLDEMORT'S DEATH EATERS APPARATED BY HIS SIDE.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" screamed Harry, Ron, and Hermione at the same time.  
  
"Oh," said Dumbledore, relieved, which was the last thing the trio was feeling at the time.  
  
"OH!? OH!?!?!?" screamed Voldemort. "THESE ARE MY DEATH-EATERS, ESCAPED FROM AZKABAN! I PUT SPELLS ON THEM SO THAT THEY COULD APPARATE WHEREVER I WANTED THEM TO, EVEN IN A PLACE LIKE HOGWARTS!!! I USED THAT SPELL FOR THIS MOMENT, WHEN I WAS SURE THAT I COULD NOT FINISH YOU OFF (not that I'm weaker, of course, but we're about equal) WITHOUT HELP!!!!!!!"  
  
"That's corny."  
  
"SHUT UP!!! THESE ARE SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN ON THE PLANET!!!"  
  
"Besides all of the Presidents, Prime-Ministers, Queens, Kings, and Stan Le, of course."  
  
"The Queen's not a man- I mean, who's Stan Le?" inquired Voldemort.  
  
"He created Spider-Ma."  
  
"Word."  
  
"But-" started Mr. Malfoy, making a wild gesture-  
  
"Oh, shut up!" said Dumbledore, irritated. He waved his wand, and all of the Death-Eaters fell back, and landed onto the floor, out cold.  
  
"No..." whispered Voldemort, looking around at his fell Death-Eaters. "DUMBLEDORE, THAT'S IT!!!! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!! AND WHEN I DO, I'LL KILL HARRY POTTER!!! AND THEN I'LL KILL HERMIONE AND RON (how do I know their names?)!!! AND THEN, I'LL PROBABLY KILL THIS WHOLE SCHOOL!!! AND THEN I'LL KILL ALL OF BRITAIN!!! AND THEN, I'LL KILL THIS WHOLE HEMISPHERE!!! AND THEN, I'LL KILL ALL OF THE OTHER ONES, TOO!!! AND THEN, I'LL KILL EVERYONE WHO'S LEFT, INCLUDING MY DEATH EATERS, BECAUSE I NEVER LIKED THEM, ANYWAY!!! THEN, I'LL BE THE RULER OF A COLD AND EMPTY WORLD, AND I'LL PROBABLY REGRET NOT HAVING PEOPLE TO TORTURE, BUT HEY, I'M BLINDED BY MY ABSOLUTE HATRED NOW!!! AFTERWARDS, I'LL... I DUNNO; BLOW UP THE MOON OR SOMETHING..."  
  
"Accio Laundry." Said Dumbledore lazily.  
  
And that's when Harry heard the ripping sound.  
  
And that's also when EVERY FREAKING PERSON IN THE WHOLE SCHOOL RAN UP INTO THE HALLWAY WHERE THE BATTLE HAD BEEN GOING ON FOR THE PAST TEN MINUTES.  
  
McGonagall was the first one to see the totally nude Voldemort. She blushed furiously, and then fainted.  
  
So did many, many, many other people.  
  
"Alas..." said Dumbledore quietly, pocketing the dirty old pair of boxers, "I'm afraid... Tom... that it's over."  
  
Voldemort just gasped at Dumbledore, lost all of the remaining color in his face, and then fainted.  
  
"Hey!" shouted a whole lot of random Aurors that had been randomly walking down a random hall in a random magic school for no good reason. "It's You-Know-Who! And a whole lot of other people we just put in Azkaban! We should arrest them!"  
  
"I don't know..." said one. "Arresting them, especially You-Know-Who would just about end all of the remaining stability of the Harry Potter series... if someone were to write books about him, of course..."  
  
"Just arrest him."  
  
"Yes, Mr. Stan Le."  
  
*~*~*  
  
PHEW! THAT... WAS... TIRING! Anyway, ONE MORE CHAPTER, and this story is OVER! Just one more... one more... one more...  
  
Review. 


	29. The Normal Day

THE... LAST... CHAPTER!!!  
  
Okay, the previous chapter being the true finale, this is sort of an epilogue, a short one, just to close out the story.  
  
Okay, thanks for all of your reviews! Trust me, I NEVER, IN ANY OF MY WILDEST DREAMS, THOUGHT THAT I'D GET 200+ REVIEWS. I HAVE ACHIEVED MY GOAL. I CAN NOW DIE.  
  
Wait- scratch the dying part.  
  
No, really, how many OTHER stories in the humor section of Harry Potter have over 200 reviews? Can you name five?  
  
STOP. I know you can name five, don't get all smug about it.  
  
AND ONE MORE NOTE: If you TRULY, TRULY, TRRRUUULLLLYYYYY want a sequel, tell me in THIS CHAPTER. If I get enough reviews asking for one, (read: three or more,) then I will write one.  
  
Disclaimer: Okay, I'm about to try something that has never been done before.  
  
I... OWN... HARRY... POTTER!!!!!!  
  
The hardcover book, that is.  
  
THE SHORT EPILOUGE STARTS... NOW!  
  
Harry Potter woke up. The day started with him getting into a purple jumpsuit, break-dancing to all of his classes, and kissing Snape no less than three times. He also aced all of his exams with a 1,012% on each one.  
  
And then he woke up, again.  
  
"What a strange dream..." thought Harry. He then started his REAL day.  
  
The day consisted of him wearing regular clothes, walking to all of his classes, and kissing Snape no less than zero times. He also did average to great on his exams.  
  
As Harry came back to his dormitory at night, his eyelids heavy, he dropped onto his bed, and allowed his head to hit the pillow. Harry soon drifted off to sleep.  
  
That is, he almost did, until he realized something.  
  
HE HAD EXPERIENCED A NORMAL DAY.  
  
And that's when all chaos broke out.  
  
The disco ball fell from the ceiling, and started spinning and flashing a variety of colors. A whole lot of people dressed in 70's dance suits flew into his dorm, and started moon-walking across the floor.  
  
Then, the wall exploded, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, packing heat and a whole lot of California Government papers, stomped through the rubble. He looked at the moon-walkers, and then open fire on them.  
  
The moon-walkers all dodged the bullets expertly, but they were thrown to the floor when Spider-Ma bumped into all of them, just thrown inside the dorm by The Inedible Hulk.  
  
Spider-Ma shook his head, and stood up shakily. "Who are you?" he asked Harry.  
  
"I..." started Harry, but at that second, The Inedible Hulk broke down another section of the Dorm wall.  
  
"Bloody disco ball!" grunted the Hulk, speaking English (that's ENGLISH English, or British, or whatever) for some reason. He punched out the disco ball, stopping the swirling colors, and eliminating all of the light.  
  
With everything now dark, everyone seemed to stand still, (maybe because they WERE actually standing still,) and not move at all. And that's when the theme music started.  
  
It was three notes, each being played twice in a row before moving to the next one, and they were repeated over and over. Harry, with a jolt, recognized them immediately.  
  
[For any of you piano junkies out there, the notes are G, F#, and F. Played out, they would be G, G, F#, F#, F, F, F#, F#, G, G, F#, F#, F, F, F#, F#, over and over again. And at a fast speed.]  
  
No one knew what to expect next. Besides Batman swinging in on a Bat- Cord or whatever, with Robin at his heels.  
  
"Holy darkness, it's dark!" shouted Robin.  
  
Batman could be heard sighing in exasperation at Robin's lameness.  
  
"Whatever, we just have to find someone to beat up. Hey, you-"said Batman, motioning towards the huge, indistinguishable shape beside him, "are you evil?"  
  
"Heck no." said The Inedible Hulk.  
  
"Good." KAZOWIE! Batman punched the Hulk, and somehow, it resulted in this impossible sound effect.  
  
"WHAAT!?" roared The Hulk, (who is inedible, of course,) and with a SWIPE, swiped at Batman.  
  
DUCK! Batman ducked.  
  
VAMOOSH! Robin attempted to punch Arnold, but with a KASCHOP, his fist was stopped with a block.  
  
CRUSH! Batman swept-kicked The Hulk, resulting in a sound that did not resemble a crush at all. But who cares?  
  
"How can they even see?" wondered Harry, as The Hulk, with a very fitting POOF, knocked out Batman.  
  
"NO!" shouted Robin with a very appropriate NO sound effect. (Yes, its lame, I'm implying that Batman sound-effects are LAME, you idiot! I'm just kidding about the idiot part, of course.)  
  
All the moon-walkers, very frightened now, ran away.  
  
"Wow." Was all Spider-Ma could say. He ran away, with The Hulk, who could be eaten by nobody, right at his heels.  
  
Arnold Schwarzenegger just walked away, very menacingly.  
  
Robin carried Batman away, looking oddly satisfied.  
  
And Harry was left all alone in the dark, wondering why his dorm-mates weren't awake.  
  
"Man." Said Harry, disappointed. "I almost had a normal day!"  
  
He then looked at his glow-in-the-dark watch that he had mysteriously received yesterday. It was 12:07 PM.  
  
"HEY!" screamed Harry. "IT'S TOMORROW! I HAD A NORMAL DAY! YAY! THAT WHOLE CHAOS EXHIBITION WAS POINTLESS! MY DAY WAS... NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRMMMMMMMAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!"  
  
"Shut up, Harry." Said Ron, who was able to sleep through a fight scene, but not a scream.  
  
"Yes." Said Harry, walking to his bed, and tripping over Hogwarts, a History.  
  
As Harry pondered the irony of this event, Professor McGonagall came in.  
  
"Harry..." she said, "This is totally random, and I don't' know why I'm telling you this directly and not anyone else, BUT THE SCHOOL IS ON... FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"Well, that was unexpected." Said Harry.  
  
THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! AND THAT'S THE... BEGINNING!? NO, IT'S...  
  
THE END!  
  
IT... IS... FINISHED!!! Thanks for reading, folks. And remember, if you want a sequel, review THIS CHAPTER and tell me!  
  
THANK YOU ALL for reviewing. Trust me- I have read EVERY SINGLE WORD of your reviews, and you are all recognized by me. Okay? Okay! Now, let's say it, although you didn't want to...  
  
GOODBYE!  
  
This is Darkboy77.  
  
PEACE! _ 


	30. Yes I AM Updating This

Thought I'd never update this, huh?  
  
This isn't a chapter, but a note.  
  
Remember WWWWAAAAAAYYYYY long ago when some jealous guy flamed me? Chavalah Maresca or something?  
  
Well, he's learned his lesson, and has apologized. So no more telling him off.  
  
Really.  
  
But a whole author's note chapter is boring! And illegal. So I'll just put something funny in.  
  
_____  
  
You are so fat, that when you get on a scale it says:  
  
"!?!?!?!?!?!?"  
  
Thank you.  
  
_____  
  
Harry Potter is so dumb, that his IQ has less than zero digits.  
  
Thank you again. _____  
  
HI. I AM A FULLY FUNCTIONAL ROBOT COMEDY UNIT. SO, A ROBOT WALKS INTO THE THREE BROOMSTICKS, AND DESTROYS ALL ORGANIC LIFEFORMS!  
  
HA, HA, HA.  
  
WHAT? IS ANYONE OUT THERE? IS THIS VOICE AMPLIFICATION DEVICE FUNCTIONAL? ARE ANY ORGANIC LIFEFORMS CURRENTLY RESIDING OUT IN THE "CROWD?" MY HEAT/ORGANIC SENSORS TELL ME THAT YOU ARE, IN FACT, OUT THERE BUT NOT MAKING A SOUND! 


End file.
